Thoughts on closets and convenience

Tuesday evening I got a spanking. I haven't talked about it here because I wasn't sure yet how to talk about it and say what I meant. I screwed up. I didn't mean to, but it happened. After juggling some things around with bills, I went to Walmart on Friday and spent about $240 on groceries and other necessities. We hadn't bought groceries in a while and we were out of almost everything, plus we've had a birthday party planned for this Saturday for Jack. When I got in the car and looked at the bank account I realized that we were actually going to end up about $18 short when the electric bill came out in a few days.

It was snowing pretty hard right then though, so I decided to go ahead and head home. The party is supposed to be dinosaur themed, and I had planned to make stuffed dinosaur tails for the kids as party favors and had purchased two large bags of stuffing for that purpose. So anyway, on Monday I took back the stuffing and deposited the money in the bank to cover what we had out. 

Tuesday when Nick came home we lay down on our bed for a few minutes since Morgan was graciously making dinner for me that night. I pulled up the bank account to make sure my deposit from the previous day had gone in and was shocked to see that we were showing over $200 overdrawn. I said a rather bad word, which got Nick's attention, and he asked me what was wrong. I was frantically scrolling through the transactions and realized with my stomach dropping that a $212 bill payment transaction I thought had already cleared before I went to Walmart in fact didn't clear until Monday night. My deposit covered that transaction, but now there wasn't enough to cover the electric bill, which was showing pending and causing the overdrawn total. The really terrifying thing was that it was just pending and and hadn't actually been paid yet, so not only were we looking at a fee when it processed, but the bank might actually decide to return it, possibly causing our power to be cut off. 

To say Nick was furious is an understatement. As I was desperately searching the transactions to see if it had somehow posted twice (it hadn't), Nick got up, and I heard the lock on our door snap into place. He told me to get up, and it was with a sense of amazement that I realized he was going to spank me. I hadn't been punished in over a year. The whole concept of domestic discipline has been much on my mind lately, perhaps because we reached our 13th anniversary with it on New Year's Eve, but every time I wanted to ask him about it I couldn't find the words or the nerve to do it. I assumed it was a thing of the past, and when I thought of it, it sat there in my heart like a small heavy thing with no way to remove it. 

It wasn't something that actually even occurred to me when I saw the bank balance, but I got to my feet without conscious thought and followed him into the closet. Our closet is very large, really big enough to be a decent small office, and our chest of implements sits under the window at the back of it. When I had thought about where things like this would take place in this house I assumed it would be the closet. It sits above the garage and puts two doors between us and the kids, so it's really the only place to go where they might not hear a spanking being given. He shut the closet door behind us, his belt in hand, folded over twice. He herded me back to the chest and I sat down on it to face him. 

There was a quick brutal lecture about paying more attention and being more careful and taking more responsibility, but I didn't have anything I could say in my defense other than I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, it was an accident. He told me to get up and turn around, then to bend over. I bent over and put my hands on the chest and lasted 10 licks before I couldn't stay still. He made me bend over again, and again I made it through 10. He told me I'd better turn back around and be grateful this was all I was getting, and he gave me 10 more. When it was over he left me there and went back to lie down on the bed. Sniffling and crying a bit, I followed him and crawled into bed with him, and we stayed there until dinner was ready. 

Since then he's not mentioned it. Thankfully, the electric bill was paid, although we were charged an overdraft fee, and the account is still overdrawn. I don't know where we will get the money to cover it. I'm praying about it, and I would appreciate it if you would too. 

I don't know exactly what this means for DD for us. The spanking hurt, a lot. My bottom is still  tender in a couple of spots. But I have carried it in my heart like a secret treasure. He loved me enough to do it. I'm genuinely upset that I screwed up and lost track and put us in this situation, but I am grateful that he chose this as the way to respond to the situation rather than silence and anger. The whole thing from discovery to spanking couldn't have been more than 10 minutes. Having a place to hand to administer the spanking in private even with kids in the house was a new experience for us. In the old house our bedroom had a huge open space in the front wall that overlooked the living room, so a punishment was something that might have to wait days or even weeks until we had the house to ourselves. Looking back, I think that maybe made discipline much more of a burden for him because it was something he had to remember and have on his radar for far longer than he wanted to have to worry about it. And frankly we didn't get all that much time alone - he didn't want to spend what time we did have on spanking. 

I wonder if it might be more convenient for him now, and if so, if it might be something he's more inclined to use in our marriage. I think it would be a good thing for me to be able have stress and attitude dealt with on an as needed basis. I've tried hard to be a better housekeeper here than I was at the old house, and I've done better I think, but there are times still that I need that reminder and refocus. Perhaps it was just too much of an investment before. Or perhaps this won't happen again for another year. Perhaps it won't happen again at all. I don't know. But it meets a deep need in me, and perhaps I can hope. 

His provisions

Hi guys. I don't know that there's anyone around anymore, but I thought I'd pop in and post. Once upon a time I used the blog to regularly talk about life and the way God was blessing me. Then life got in the way, and although He's definitely still blessing me, I haven't posted in a long time. So I thought I would try to get back into that habit. A few quick updates first: we've been in the new house for about 6 1/2 months now, and we still love it. Jack is in preschool, Daisy is in 1st grade, and Morgan is a sophomore in high school. Domestic discipline has been more or less non existent for the better part of a year. There was a quick stress relief spanking back at the beginning of August, but it's not something we ever talk about, although I miss it.

It's been a really rough few months financially. Nick's paycheck has taken a hit numerous times from factors outside his control. But God has been good as always. When the tires on my car got too worn for safety, God provided a buyer for one of Nick's bikes. And He gave him the grace to let it go. My parents bought me a heat press for my birthday/Christmas, and I've been able to pick up a few orders for custom shirts/onesies. They've also slipped us a twenty a time or two, and even $100 once.

I've also gotten to sell a few felt play sets, which provided some much needed gas/grocery money.

Nick took a vacation in mid-October, for which we had been planning for months to take the kids camping. When the week arrived though, there was no money whatsoever in the bank, and no way to buy supplies or rent a spot. Enter my mom and dad: they live on 21 acres, 12 of which are wooded. They invited us to come up and camp there, so that's what we did. I admit, at first we thought it would be kind of a lame substitute for the week we had planned, but it turned out to be awesome. Nick built a great fire pit with a cinder block oven over it, and we had amazing campfire dinner packs put together by my mom. We roasted marshmallows and hot dogs and made hot cocoa, and my brother and sister-in-law brought my two year old nephew to have dinner with us and my parents. This was Jack and Daisy's first time camping, so it was nice to be relatively close to civilization, and it didn't cost us a thing. In fact, it went so well that my parents have decided to create a permanent camping area back there. And on the last night all three kids decided to sleep in my parents' house, so Nick and I got to have a very rare night all alone! Believe me, we didn't waste the opportunity!

At the end of that week our church took a trip to the Ark Encounter Museum in Kentucky, and we didn't have the money to go, so (without us asking) they paid for both the hotel room and the tickets.

On the way out of town to go on that trip we got rear ended in a Chick-Fil-A parking lot. No one was hurt, and the kid who hit us had only been insured for 4 days. He'd been driving for longer, but his mom thought his dad had added him to his insurance, and he thought she'd added him to hers. The damage was superficial, and we own the car outright, so we were able to just cash out on the accident. That paid for tires for Nick's truck, which by that point had gotten so bad that he'd had to replace one with his spare.

Believe it or not, a little over two weeks later we got hit again. It was just me and the kids this time, and again, no one was hurt, although this was a much scarier wreck. A drunk driver hit a car beside us hard. That car then bounced off a car to their left, and then back into us, on their right. The drunk driver went to jail, and we got to drive away yet again. The driver didn't have insurance (or a valid license for that matter), but fortunately we have uninsured motorist coverage on our policy, so now we are waiting on another check.

Today - well today we are waiting for God to show up again. That insurance check was actually supposed to come in today, but I called the agent to find out when I could pick it up, and he told me that it looks like it will be another couple of days. So right this minute I don't know what we're doing for dinner. But I have a photography order that has been uploaded to the clients for them to decide how large of a disc they want to order, and I'm in the process of making a custom shirt order for one of Nick's cousins, so either one of those things may come through before the day is up. Or someone may show up with dinner. Or we may get something unexpected in the mail. Or any number of things could happen, but I know God already has things covered. I'll keep you posted!

God has been so good to us in other ways too. As I mentioned, Jack is in preschool now. It's actually a setup where a teacher who retired from the Christian school I went to (and Morgan went to through fourth grade) teaches in her home a couple of days a week. Daisy went to her the year before she started kindergarten, and she was reading by the time the preschool year was up. We really wanted Jack to get to go too, but she had changed her format from one day a week (which is what Daisy did) to two days a week and taken on a few more students, and we couldn't afford it. My parents had actually covered Daisy's costs, but they didn't have the money to pay for the two day a week curriculum she is currently offering. Right before the year was to start, the teacher contacted my mom and told her she wanted to teach Jack at no charge! There were a number of reasons for her decision, but God has blessed her generosity - her class has since grown from two (with Jack) to five now. Jack is learning so much, and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he's reading by the end of the year too.

Nick was able to get his hunting license a few weeks ago, which he didn't think he was going to be able to do, so he's going to get to do some much anticipated duck hunting with Grant this year.

A few months ago we found an ad on Craigslist for some free office furniture. Okay, let me back up a little. About 6 years ago Kelly and Grant gave us an old tanker desk that was in their basement when they bought their house. It sat in our garage until we put our house on the market, at which point we put it in storage. Nick told me that if and when I ever got a craft room I could have it for a craft desk. A month or so after we moved in, Nick painted it the most gorgeous shade of light turquoise, and it's now the crowning jewel of my craft room. Every time Kelly came over she gave it long, wistful looks. It was in good shape when they had it, but it was pretty ugly, and she couldn't believe how amazing it had turned out. So when we found the ad on Craigslist and came home with FOUR free vintage tanker desks, a giant wooden desk, and a big kitchen table, I knew I wanted to return the favor to her. So we refinished one of the tanker desks and painted it her favorite shade of coral and gave it to her for her birthday. She was thrilled!

One of the remaining tanker desks will stay in the garage as it is for Nick to use, The other two will eventually be painted and moved into the craft room to replace the rather rickety wooden ones currently holding my sewing machine and serger. The giant wooden one is in the process of being turned into a cutting table, complete with an inset yardstick and a metal channel for my scissors to run along. The kitchen table will eventually sit in our dining room, once we build a replacement for the leaf that's missing and do some refinishing on it. I've also got an awesome metal shelving set that my mom bought me that will eventually be painted and hold tons of stuff in the craft room.

So anyway, those are some of the awesome blessings God has been showering down on us!

So, an update

Life has been...full. Some definite frustrations, but some huge blessings too. Around October 5 we got an offer on the house. A very low offer, but the first one we'd had after 5 months and 85 showings. We countered and they countered and then a slightly better offer came in, which was still about $5,000 lower than we wanted to sell for, but we accepted it. 

The inspection was on the 12th, and it turned out to be really bad news. The buyer backed out without even negotiating for us to fix anything. The biggest issue was that there was foundation damage that we didn't know about. Like almost $10,000 worth, which we obviously couldn't afford. 

So we regretfully let all our family know that we would be taking the house off the market when our realtor's contract expired at the end of the month and apparently staying here indefinitely. 

Then Nick's sister Kate found out what was going on, and she and her husband offered to send us the money to fix the foundation. So our agent contacted the guy whose offer we didn't accept, explained the whole situation with the first buyer backing out and the foundation issues and the impending repair. And he matched the first guy's  offer, so we were back in business. 

The foundation repair, which came with a transferable lifetime warranty was scheduled to be complete November 2. In the meantime the second buyer's inspection was completed. The foundation repair company we hired is the top name in our region, and they obviously stand behind their work, but the guy doing the inspection also works for a rival company, and he told the buyer that he would do the repair work a different way. So, on the day that we were having thousands of dollars worth of professional, guaranteed work done, the second buyer backed out. 

So that's where we are now. We've raised our price by a little to try to recoup some of the value of the repair work, and we've also put in new countertops and backsplash in the kitchen. And we're back to showing again. It's very frustrating, but that's how it sits right now. 

But at least the house is in the best shape it's ever been in since we've owned it, so if nothing else it's a better place to live. 

And obviously God is providing. He's even blessed us with some just plain fun stuff lately. I got some really cool craft stuff for my birthday in October, and I also had a couple of photography jobs that paid me enough to upgrade my Silhouette craft cutter, something that's been on my wish list for a couple of years. We got to upgrade our phones, and the agent we dealt with put us in a much cheaper plan that not only allowed us to get way better phones than we had hoped for (I'm typing this on an iPhone 6s Plus), but we were also able to give Morgan my old phone and get her a line since she was apparently THE LAST high schooler on the face of the earth without a cell phone. AND our purchases qualified us for a $100 iPad mini, which Nick bought me for Christmas. So we have been blessed for sure. 

I will say that I've had a bit of a struggle since we lost the last contract on the house with staying as much on top of things. Up until then we were all doing fabulous with keeping the house spotless. We had to - we were averaging 17 showings a month, so we never really had time to let it get dirty! But the loss of the contract(s) was disheartening to say the least, and we kind of lost momentum. Not that it wasn't still miles better than it used to be, but we had a showing a few days ago and it was more of a mad rush to get things ready than it should have been. And I've entered my usual Christmas rush, unwisely shifting my priorities like I somehow do every year. Last night (Monday night) I stayed up all night working on some craft projects that I legitimately needed to get done, but Nick was unhappy when he got up and found that I hadn't been to bed. Tonight I got taken upstairs for a bit of a lecture about keeping the house ready for showings and using my time wisely and obeying my bedtime. Then I had to bend over the end of the bed and he gave me a hard spanking with his belt. Prior to the spanking I had just come down from my shower, so I had already taken off my pants, but he let me keep my panties up. It was only 20 licks with the belt, but I was very repentant by the end. My poor bottom is quite out of practice and I can't take what I used to be able to. I'm just glad he didn't make me get out the Cracker Barrel paddle. It's the only one we have that isn't packed away right now. 

Anyway, I was absolutely in bed by 2:30 tonight, and it's time for me to turn out the lights and call it a night. 

What happened then...

So my last post went up just after midnight on a Friday. Friday morning when Nick got up for work, he read it. My posts get auto emailed to him when they go live. And he was maybe a little extra affectionate, a few pats on the butt and a bit more attention as I got Daisy up and ready for school. But he didn't mention it. And honestly, I didn't expect him to, not then anyway. But I thought we might talk about it that night. We didn't. Nor the next night. Finally on Sunday night, he said, "I read your post." "Yeah?" "I know you've been under a lot of stress lately, and I haven't been very good about dealing with it." And that was it. That night we went up to bed and he got on his iPad and played a bit, knowing he and the kids were off for Labor Day the next day and we could sleep in.

I thought maybe he would bring it up, or even act on it, but he didn't, so I tried talking to him about it. I tried explaining some of the feelings I was trying to work through in the post, and what I needed from him (basically piss or get off the pot). And he acted as though I literally wasn't there. Not so much as an acknowledgement I was speaking. So I turned over and went to sleep. At that point, yes, I was hurt, but in a dull kind of way that just felt like something I had known for a long time was being confirmed. I wasn't pouting or working myself into a crying rage. I was just tired, in more ways than one, so I went to sleep.

The next day we were supposed to spend the day at Kelly and Grant's house. I was quiet and a little subdued, but I wasn't sulking or trying to have a bad attitude, and I was friendly and sociable throughout the day. What thought I gave to the whole DD situation was brief and not too deep and mostly centered on whether I should write him an email or just put it in a blog post that this part of our relationship didn't seem to be worth pursuing any longer. I wasn't exactly angry, just resigned a and a little sad. It was a long day with a lot of little kids running around, and by the time we got home, I was worn out. Jack and Daisy were both asleep, so we put them and Morgan straight to bed, and we both just kind of vegged out on the couch for a bit. Finally I headed up to bed to read for just a few minutes, already dreading getting up early the next day to get Daisy off to school. A few minutes later Nick came up and I heard him rummaging around in his closet, but I didn't think anything about it. When he walked around to my side of the bed and I looked up to see him standing there holding his belt, I was genuinely startled. And I got really angry. He started telling me that I'd had a terrible attitude all day, and that he was going to deal with it. Frankly I just wasn't having it. I had spent basically weeks by this time accustoming myself to the idea that he had moved on from this, and his complete lack of response the night before had more or less confirmed it for me, and here he was turning everything upside down.

He pulled the blanket and sheet off of me and told me to turn over, and I flat out refused. Several times. He warned me that he could make me, and I more or less invited him to do so. Within the next couple of seconds I was face down in my pillow, and he was basically wearing me out. It wasn't a particularly long event, but it did break through my anger, and I was hardcore ugly crying before it was over. And the crying went on for a very long time, far longer than the spanking itself would account for. I was just working through a ton of built up stress and fear and sadness. I would like to say that the evening ended with him holding me and letting me cry it out on his shoulder and then maybe some sweet time reconnecting. Unfortunately we both had to be up the next day, and he was maybe less inclined to be patient with me than he might have been if we'd had more time and had I not fought him so much on the whole thing. He basically told me to turn out the light and go to sleep, and I was left feeling more or less exactly like the hassle and irritant I'd felt like for so long.

Now, before anyone, Nick included, thinks I have nothing but complaints about him and what happened that night, I don't. Whatever the execution, it was something I badly needed, and by the next morning I was feeling much better and more evened out. It helped, it really did. And I know that I really, really needed it to be something I submitted to whether I thought I wanted it or not. I think maybe we were both so out of practice with it that we were clumsy with each other's feelings. But he did the hard thing, and that was what I needed him to do, and I'm grateful.

I don't know if this means that this is something we're doing again now or if it was an anomaly. He hasn't wanted to talk about it, and I'm reluctant to push a conversation to ask for fear of making him think that I didn't appreciate it or that I'm too needy.

Something he did mention the other night was that he felt like I maybe portrayed him a little unfairly in the last post when I mentioned the various ways he has of blowing off some steam. He thought it sounded like he's off playing all the time and just leaving me with the kids and never coming home. That's not how it is at all. He does something maybe once or twice a week. He's done the soccer golf thing on a couple of Sundays recently. He went on an overnight hunting and fishing trip Friday night, and he's at the gun range with my brother right now. But he also came home last night to keep an eye on the kids while I had a Norwex demonstration at the house. And there are certainly weeks when he doesn't do anything relaxing at all. He has a three day weekend every other week, which means that the weeks in between he works 6 days of 7, and the 7th day is spent mostly at church. And this past Sunday he cooked both lunch and dinner without even being asked.

He hasn't been doing the DD side of things, but he has tried to relieve stress for me where he could. It's just that there's not always a good way to do that other than spanking it out of me. This is just an especially stressful time in our lives between tight finances, having our house on the market, and trying to find another house. For instance, in the 11 days since my last post, our number of showings has risen from 60 to 72, and we have another one tomorrow. And that's not even counting the three that got cancelled in the last week. So we don't really get much of a break. And as we talked about, the things he does for stress relief are mostly very inexpensive or free (with the exception of the hunting trip, which he took on a side job specifically to finance), and there's just not a lot of things like that that would be relaxing for me. I really enjoy crafting, but that's not really an option right now with most of my stuff in storage and no good place to use what I still have here. I would absolutely LOVE to spend a day thrift store hopping, but we don't have any room in the budget right now. The same thing with just a girls night out. None of this is his fault in any way shape or form, and I don't want to imply that it is.

I don't really have any answers here, but I know this season will pass. Eventually the house will sell (or it won't, and we'll eventually take it off the market and stop having strangers parade through it every day). Eventually Jack will potty train, and finances will get a little better and the lawnmower will get fixed (did I mention it threw a rod through the block? It did.) Eventually I will have some sort of a place to craft and we will get to take a vacation and life will stop putting us through the wringer. Eventually. And even if that takes forever, we have God and each other, and we will make it.

A Year

We are still working on selling the house. It's an exhausting and frustrating process, and I'm tired. Today was our 60th showing. 60th. And we have another tomorrow, and one on Sunday, another on Monday. We lowered our price by $10,000, something we didn't want to do, but we felt that so many showings with no offers was telling us it was the right move. We also found another house that we would like to buy, but if course ours has to sell first, and we have to figure out the financing based on our new lower selling price. This is the fourth house in a year that we've tried to buy. I know God has a plan and a time. I'm just getting worn out.

So the title of this post doesn't refer to the year we've spent house hunting. What it refers to is the longest DD drought we've ever had. Sunday will be one full year since my last punishment. And I'm frustrated. And sad, and hurt, and weary, and angry. I have asked him multiple times if he's just done with it, and he always says no, it's just something we haven't done "lately". But "lately" seems like a flimsy term for this situation. This feels like he just doesn't want to bother with it, but he also doesn't want to be the bad guy who admits he just doesn't want to do it anymore. He doesn't want to have that conversation or shoulder the guilt for bowing out of a responsibility I've shouldered him with. Or maybe he thinks that if he "officially" stops spanking, I'll stop deferring to him and treating him as the Head of the Household. The thing is, I don't treat him that way because of any DD dynamic. I treat him that way because I believe that is the plan for marriage God has laid out, and our whole family is happier for it. 

Being honest, I don't do a whole lot to piss him off these days. The house has been clean for four months. The laundry is always done. I have dinner waiting almost every night. But I'm functioning with a high level of stress. I have no outlets left. Most of my craft things are in storage, and what is still here has to be pulled out of closets and set up on the kitchen table to be used. And the entire time I'm having a mini panic attack because it's causing a temporary mess that needs to be put away. My laptop is excruciatingly slow, which makes my photography unenjoyable. I have a craft blog that I was very active on for a while, but once we went to market with the house, the combination of the slow laptop and the inconvenience of doing projects in a space that needs to be always neat has kept me scarce over there. I've tried having some craft days with girlfriends, but with kids on hand and no good place to spread out, it's always been more trouble than enjoyment. Money has been tight, so we've not had any sort of date night in months, and we didn't get to take our annual trip to Texas for the same reason. 

Nick has plenty of stress to deal with too of course, but he has a few outlets. He goes fishing just about every chance he gets. And this past Sunday he went and played Foot Golf (like golf, on a course, but with a soccer ball and really big cups) with some of his friends. He sometimes goes to the gun range, and he has a gym membership. 

Daisy has also started kindergarten, and while she loves it and is doing great, any change of routine is stressful for a while. I'm up before Nick every day now, and with Jack home with just me all day, he's right on top of me all the time. Not that I don't love having one on one time with him, but he can be a little intense. On top of that I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to potty train him. And yes, he's three. 

I admit, it all gets to me, and it's less rare than it should be that I lose it and just have a really bad attitude. I fight much more than I should with Morgan, who started high school this year, and I'm frequently impatient with all three kids. These are the times I need him to discipline me. There was a time in our lives when he would see me spiraling and would make a time and a place to get my attention in a big way and help me reprioritize. I'm not going to lie, the actual physical experience of a spanking is one that I both dread and fear, but not so much that I don't also crave the peace it inevitably brings. 

And I feel abandoned. I feel so very hurt that he basically said "This thing is not my thing, but it's your thing, and because you are mine and need this, I will do this for you." And then he just...quit. And not just that he's quit, but that he's done it without allowing me the certainty needed to really mourn its loss and move on. This last year has felt to me like he just really doesn't care at all that this is a genuine need that I have that can only be met by him and is therefore going unmet. Perhaps he's trying to starve it to death. If only it were that easy. I've prayed so many times that God would take this part of me away if but isn't something that can be a valid, functioning part of our marriage. I would love to not need this, but I do. It makes me bloom. It leaves me thriving and capable. Or it withers and wearies me when it's absent. 

Please understand that I'm venting here, the only place I can do it. Nick is truly a wonderful husband. He's faithful and loving, and he works hard every day so that I can stay at home with our kids. And if he wants to dispense with domestic discipline, I can live with that, I really can. But I need to know, so that I can lay it to rest and learn to let go. 

Cocooned

It never really goes away, you know. That insatiable need, that mild to raging obsession that is always lurking there at the corner of whatever you're doing. I wish that it did. I wish that I could flip a switch and fade it from my psyche, but the very fact that my mind has already haplessly seized on the word "switch" and imbued it with a startlingly fleshed out story line gives lie to the notion. And it's nothing new, this discipline-obsessed incubus that chatters in my ear at every turn. It's been over 6 months since the concept of discipline remotely related to anyone past middle school in this house, and the buzzing in my head has reached a bleak and mournful pitch. 

I hate this. I hate the fact that I can't master this need for mastery, that it pulls at me at every turn in a room where there is no place for it. It's ridiculous, this deep seated longing for boundaries and a regular occasion to smash up against them. And it seems patently unfair, when the man I love with all my heart can't hear the bellowing whispers of this need. And why on earth should he have to? I am not a child. I don't need someone to remind me to go to bed at a reasonable hour, to tell me to remember to eat before I feel shaky with the lack of it, to manage my time so that I'm not constantly running out the door 10 minutes late. So why oh why are these things that I struggle with, and struggle more with in feeling obscurely hurt that no one is stepping in to make me get out of my own way? I'm neither incapable nor a fool, so what exactly is the problem?

And if I am neither incapable nor a fool, neither am I petty enough to act out in a way that is harmful to my marriage. Certainly there are small rebellions, sneaking a lidded drink up to bed when we agreed to keep food off the new carpet, a quick trip to the thrift store while I'm meant to be running out for ground beef, maybe one more round of Trivia Crack when I should really turn out the lights and go to sleep. And each harmless act carries with it a delicious thrill of what if... But I'm not spending the house payment on a new craft cutter, flirting with other men, taking up smoking again. I'm far too in love and filled with a genuine, bone-deep gratitude for what I have already to fire randomly at our marriage in hopes of drawing a response. I love this man, and he is good to me.

What frightens me the most about this need is its insistence in the face of starvation. Go without sex for long enough, and you will, eventually, all but stop needing it. The lack may tell in parts of your life, but it won't haunt and mock you after a while. There is no such relief for me and this commonly bizarre cry for discipline. The clanging bell in my head rings loudest for punishment, not play. While I certainly enjoy an occasional sexy spanking, I can generally take them or leave them. It's genuine chastisement that makes my gears turn, although that arousal comes well after the event, and stoutly depends on the punishment being both real and effective. It seems there's a sixth love language that fits me like a glove. 

I have made it a point to be purposeful in my sexual thoughts, to cast only my husband in my fantasies, and for the most part this is easy. I have no desire for other men, and the best sexual scenario for me in any situation involves only him naturally. But when I feel untended and burdensome, it's because the real life experiences are long MIA, and it becomes hard to get the highlight reel to load. I have to fight the urge to go skipping through the offerings of the internet, a trap I have cause to know too well. Those pictures and stories are usually sordid, and even if they're not, even if they are sweet and modest and heartwarmingly genuine, they aren't mine and his, and they don't have a place in a heart and mind that is desperately grasping to fill a need that is meant only for him. 

I don't have any answers here. I know the instinctual advice is to push communication. Surely just talking things through will solve the issue. Except it won't. It has not and it will not. That's not pessimism, it's realism. He was not made for this, even if he was somehow made for me. And that he was made for me is something about which I have no doubt. But it rarely occurs to him that I might need discipline unless I have done something to make him really angry, and I'm am unwilling to pay the greater, long-term price that comes with being intentional about such a thing. The quandary therefore is this: why would he want to punish me for being a loving, capable, generally well behaved adult? And why would I choose to be anything else when I am, after all, neither incapable nor a fool? When the stress builds and I find myself lashing out, I'm brought to heel with little more than a quiet word. The automatic urge to push, to provoke, crumbles in the face of the realization that he's right of course, and why am I being so unreasonable anyway? It's not fear that backs me down, but inconvenient maturity.

I have no time for games. I don't want a pretend punishment with a wink and a leer. And for many people that is just what they need. But it feels false and pointless to me, a waste of time. I need to feel genuine love and purposeful caring as an impetus to the act, a pointed desire and intention to steer me right. But I've been a good girl all my life, and most days I feel too guilty to fall apart and make all the poor decisions, simply because I know better. How could I dare to be so thoughtless when he has given me all the other desires of my heart? And so I feel the inevitable curling inward, the quiet cocooning against a prodding quest that has no easy grace.

Holiday fun

Hi, guys! Just popping in for a minute. Thanksgiving was wonderful! The food was wonderful, and it was such a sweet time with family! I'm actually just about done with Christmas gifts, if you can believe it. I was able to do some careful shopping, and I was able to get some really great buys, so I'm having to make very little this year. 

God has been taking care of us as always. Sunday on the way into church, we were discussing in the car how we were going to be able to make it through the pay period since Nick had just gotten paid two days earlier, and we were already at the end of our money just with bills and both needed gas in our vehicles, not to mention groceries. We just prayed about it, and when we got to church, our head deacon handed Nick an envelope with his name on it. Inside was an unprecedented, VERY much unexpected check for $750. The church had decided to give a one time Christmas gift (of varying amounts I think) to several of the people who serve in our church, including our piano player and her bass player husband, our youth pastor, and Nick, who runs our sound booth for every service and creates all the CDs and DVDs for our media ministry. This is not necessarily going to be an every year kind of thing, but it was such an incredible blessing this year!

I've also gotten several photo shoots recently, and just tonight Nick got a job for some mechanic side work. God is so very good to us, and I need to get back to posting regularly so that I can share (and later remember!) just how very much He blesses us!

Tonight was Nick's work Christmas party, and while it wasn't the best year by any means, it was still really nice to have a few hours out kid free with him.

Last night I went up to bed a bit early because I had to get up early today for our Ladies Craft Meeting at church. I was still awake though a little while later when Nick came up, and I was pleasantly surprised to feel him curl  around me and began to explore. Next thing I knew, he had flipped me onto my stomach and was giving me a very hot spanking, followed by equally hot sex. Good night indeed. :)

I'm off to bed for now. Have a great night, all!

Catching up, and a birthday spanking to remember.

It looks like it's been over a month since my last post, and you can blame Jamie and Claire. Well, partly. I may be halfway through Drums of Autumn, the fourth book, which means that I have devoured approximately 2700 pages in the last 3 1/2 weeks. But, honestly, I can't blame them entirely. 

I finally found the kids a new pediatrician, something I've been trying to accomplish all year, so I had to deal with well visits and immunization catch ups for Jack and Daisy. Quick(ish) summary: last fall our longtime pediatrician group quit taking our insurance. We decided to go with the one Robert and Faith use, but they wouldn't see new patients till the New Year, so we were in limbo for a bit. When I was able to schedule an appointment finally, they set it for the 3rd week of January for Jack to get his 24 month immunizations. Then both he and Daisy got really sick, and they agreed to see them both early the next morning at 8 AM. But that night they spiked scary fevers, so we took them to an urgent care office. They both had double ear infections and strep like symptoms, and the urgent care place wrote them prescriptions. So first thing in the morning I called the peds office to cancel the appointments, but they didn't turn their phones on till 8:30, 30 minutes after our appointment (weird, right?), and the answering service said they could not get them a message. So I called back when they turned on the phones in the office and explained the situation. The nurse was super understanding and assured me they wouldn't count it as a no show since they were unavailable to be notified. And they told me that they would call me the day before to remind me of Jack's previously scheduled appointment, still several weeks out.

Right before that appointment, our pipes burst, and we spent two days cleaning everything up. The next day (Friday) was his appointment, but I thought it was on the coming Monday, and they never did the reminder call. So on Monday morning I called to confirm the time, and they told me that we had missed the appointment, and they would not see Jack at all as a patient, because this was our third no show. I explained again the situation with the original appointments and told them that I had been assured that these would not be considered no shows since I had done my best to let them know before my appointments. She agreed to ask the doctor to reconsider in light of the extenuating circumstances, but I've never been able to get her to call me back on it, despite bringing it up during every visit with Daisy (who oddly enough could still get appointments). Daisy only saw the nurse practitioner, so I never actually met the doctor. Anyway, I finally had enough and changed to the pediatrician Kelly and Grant use, and we LOVE them!

So when I took Daisy to her well visit a couple of weeks ago, it turned out that one of her ear piercing sites was infected. They had to get the earring out so it could heal, and it was terribly painful and traumatic for her (and me watching!). (But the doctor and nurses were fantastic). The plan was to get it re-pierced after it healed, but she ended up being so afraid of it getting infected again that she's opted to wait until she's older. Ah well, at least when she does get them redone she'll have plenty of earrings on hand, because she got about 40 pairs for her birthday.

So what else? Kelly's birthday was the 29th, and I made her a couple of pairs of earrings. Will's birthday was the next day, and I made him a Dopp kit. Then Daisy's birthday was the 5th. Five years old! I can't even believe it! I made her several pieces of jewelry (but no earrings lol), and we bought her a baby doll that looks just like Grant and Kelly's baby girl Madison. 

We also got her a couple of other things, but we didn't give them to her till the 11th, when she had her very first official birthday party! We've always done little family celebrations, but this was the first one with friends invited, and it was awesome!

All the girls attendees got to adopt a baby doll and take home lots of dolls accessories besides, and the boys all got stuffed animals. It was a pretty cheap party to put together, and she had the time of her life!

My birthday was Friday, and it was a pretty good day! Usually my birthday kind of sucks, but not this year. My friend Ann stopped by to see me and brought pumpkin spice lattes and donuts, and Nick had some gorgeous flowers delivered! I got some cool craft supplies, some clothes, and a gift certificate for a manicure. Yay! And my parents even kept all three kids so Nick and I could go out for a birthday dinner.

And Sunday night...I got a birthday spanking! The last time I had a birthday spanking was 2007! But this year I got up the nerve to send Nick a text telling him what I wanted out of it, and I hit send before I could chicken out. Here's what it said:

So here are my thoughts on a birthday spanking. I know it's a silly and sometimes sexy little tradition, but I think that's not what I need. I think I need something that is more of a course setter for the year to come, something to help me refocus and recommit. So I am happy with 37 (or 38 as the case may be), although if it goes farther I may not be completely opposed. But I'm thinking maybe the spencer paddle (or maybe that's a mistake) over jeans, at least as long as I can cooperate. And holy crap I'm almost 11 years into this, when the heck am I going to stop feeling so shy and awkward trying to talk to you about it? Sorry, I'm a huge dork.

That was Saturday, and one reason I sent it then was because I knew one of Morgan's friends was spending the night that night, so he wouldn't be able to do it right away. I needed some time to acclimate myself to the idea. Sunday night though we sent the kids to bed at 9:00, and I went upstairs to shower and to spend some time in the 18th century with my Kindle while Nick watched a show I wasn't interested in. 

After the show went off, he joined me upstairs and asked if I was ready for my birthday spanking. Of course by then I had totally chickened out, it having been over a month since my last spanking, and knowing that I had basically told him I wanted this to be a rather more serious experience. I did a bit of reasonable arguing, and told him that after all, I hadn't actually done anything, so we could really just skip it. Fortunately he refused to let me back out of it, telling me that either I could take my birthday spanking or he could come up with a few good reasons why I actually deserved a hard spanking and punish me for those. It's true enough that he had a few of those to hand, so I wisely opted for the birthday spanking instead, and he told me to get the paddle. I balked at this, because well, by now I was truly nervous, but he insisted, and when I asked which one he wanted, he asked me did he need to read the text to me. So, resigned, I pulled out the Spencer paddle. 

Per my text, he allowed me to keep my jeans on, but he seemed quite determined to make it a memorable experience. He spanked hard enough for me to lose count, but he said he stopped at 38. Then he said, "Unless you wanted TWO to grow on -" and gave me an extra hard swat that had me squealing and twisting. Then he let me do a bit of complaining about how terribly hard he'd spanked me and how much my bottom hurt, but I went on a bit far, and, not quite half playfully he decided another session wouldn't come amiss, and he spanked me again, this time even harder. 

He then had the nerve to go on about how easy he'd been on me "pants still on, not that many, and not all that hard." He was teasing me a bit there, watching my reaction, especially to the "not all that hard" part, and I actually had to shove my face into the pillow to keep from protesting his assessment. I've no doubt at all though that had if I had opened my mouth to disagree I would have found myself getting spanked again. 

After the birthday spanking was over, he said, "Okay, that's the birthday spanking, now for your punishment."

"What?!" I yelped, whirling away from him.

"Well, I did tell you to put away the laundry on the chair downstairs, didn't I? You weren't supposed to have it there in the first place, and you said you would put it away last night, but it's still there, isn't it?"

Yes, sir," I admitted grudgingly. "But you just spanked me, and my bottom is really sore! Please don't punish me right now!" I could see then that he was teasing me again, at least about spanking me for it right then, although he was serious enough about the laundry. He told me he wasn't going to spank me for it that night, and he told me to take my pants off. At that point things took a rather delicious turn, but those memories are just for me and him.

Today my bottom was quite sore and a little bruised, and sitting was painful in a very good way. It was just exactly what I needed. Just before we went to sleep I asked him if he was really going to spank me again the next day for the laundry, and he told me that depended on me. If he came home and the laundry on the chair was still there and the dirty clothes upstairs had not been carried down, he would give me a spanking, sore bottom or not. Needless to say there was nary a sock in sight when he got home today. :)

A New Addiction

So it was only a few days ago that I was introduced to the Outlander series. I had heard of it in passing, but it honestly didn't sound interesting to me. Then I read a post by Rogue where she mentions it along with showing an art poster depicting a rather interesting scene from the first book. Needless to say, my interest was piqued, so I did some research and thought perhaps checking out the TV series would be worthwhile. Fortunately we have Starz on our cable package, and I was delighted to see that there were already 6 episodes available. I really wanted to watch the series with Nick, but he didn't seem too interested. Fortunately he gave it a chance for me, and after the first episode we were both truly hooked. We watched the first 4 hours last night and the next 2 hours tonight. And now we're trying to reconcile ourselves to the fact that we have to wait till Saturday for the next episode. I'm holding out very little hope that any of the books will be available any time soon at our library, so I'm thinking I may need to head to our used book store sometime soon to trade in some old books for a used copy of as many of the series as I can find.

Nick's heritage is Scottish, and when he was a kid his grandparents took him to the Highland Games every year. I admit, Jamie and Claire have me quite stirred up with fantasies about my own rugged Scotsman, and I've let Nick know I'll have him in a kilt before it's done. :) 

As I've not read the books yet, I'm not sure, but I think the episode where Jamie spanks Claire for running away must be coming up relatively soon. I know that at the very least it's been filmed already. And yes, I'm looking forward to it, although I'm a little nervous to watch it with Nick. Not because I'm afraid it will stir him to reenact it :), rather the opposite actually. I'm afraid it may appear abusive, when what I've read of the scene doesn't come off that way to me. It seems to me that she ended up with a much longer and harder spanking than she had to because she refused to cooperate, something I've done myself many times, and I think she deserved every lick (as did I). I just don't want Nick to see something like that and it make him feel like that sort of thing is brutal and it maybe color his view of spanking in our own relationship. That's probably a silly fear almost 11 years into DD, but the last spanking I got ended probably before it should have because he felt like he was being too hard on me. Truthfully, I was rather unhappy in the moment, but even at the time I knew I needed more, and I wasn't even tender 5 minutes after he stopped.

Anyway, I'm off to see if I can find a source for his clan's tartan. :)

A Forever Home

Guys, I know it's been ages. Life has been so busy, but very good for the most part. On August 26 our sweet Daisy girl asked Jesus into her heart, which has been the BEST news!

She's such a precious girl, and I'm so proud of her. Today after church she decided she wanted her ears pierced (something she's been toying with for a while), so we took her and got it done, and she was SO brave!

I got spanked last Saturday morning. Housework stuff again, although there way have been some other stuff mixed in there. He woke me up digging in the toy chest for the doggin bat, and within a few seconds I was over his knee with my panties down. I can't say I was terribly cooperative, but it was a rather rude awakening.

We have had to deal with some drama with Morgan recently. There's this kid who goes to her school. We'll call him Joe. Joe is 13, but he's major trouble. He's been an on again/off again boyfriend to Morgan's best friend Allie, and just through his interaction with her he's proven himself to be manipulative, mean, unfaithful, and a liar. In fact, there have been several occasions where we've curtailed the time Morgan and Allie spent together because of Joe's influence on Allie. Well, last week we found out that he had been grabbing Morgan's breasts on the bus, despite her telling him to stop, and also spreading some nasty rumors about her when she wouldn't agree to some explicit requests he made of her. We immediately contacted the school about the breast grabbing, and because there were witnesses, they suspended him for 5 days. She's riding the bus while he's on suspension, but we plan on driving her in and picking her up once he comes back. I would appreciate everyone's prayers though that he doesn't try to harass her any further (and also that her friend Allie will finally see the light about him!).

There's another matter that we seriously need and would really appreciate your prayers on. Okay, (somewhat) quick back story: A bit less than 5 years ago, a few months after Daisy was born, there was a house that came up for sale. This house was much bigger than ours, and it was located just above my parents' house (a positive for us). We loved just about everything about the house - the style, the room, the lot. It was also originally built by a contractor as his personal home, and he went far above and beyond the requirements for making the house well built, sturdy, and well insulated. It was a foreclosure, so there was the thought that maybe we could get it for less than it was worth, which would have to be the case for us to afford it. I remember walking around the yard, holding hands with Nick and telling God that we would really, really love to have this house, but that it would absolutely have to be His doing for it to happen.

It turned out that there were a couple of problems. First of all there was something wonky with the way the title was filed, causing some issues with buying it. Then the bidding went completely out of our range at that time. But the guy who bought it was a title lawyer who was able to untangle the title issues, and we thought, well, maybe this is God's way of clearing the way for us to buy it down the road. So we kind of put it out of our minds. 

A year later, the guy sold the house to his father-in-law, who is in real estate, and also happened to be the guy who bought my Papaw's farm from my mom after he died. He lived in the house for a couple of years, and he did some landscaping we would have wanted to do, and put in beautiful real hardwood floors. Then last year he offered to sell it to us for a great price if my mom would write off the balance of the money he still owed on the farm. Beyond the fact that my mom just couldn't afford to give away what was basically her retirement to help us get the home of our dreams, we would have never let her do that. So we let it go again.

But now the guy wants to retire and move back home to the county he's from, and he wants to be out of the house by the first of the year. And he's interested in selling it to us. And he is willing to buy our home from us to use as a rental property as part of the deal. And we want this SO SO SO much. And God has worked some serious miracles in the past few months to put us in a much better position to be a contender for this house. But there are so many things that will have to go just perfect for this to happen. First of all, he's going to have to come down on the price by a good bit. Which sounds like a huge obstacle (and it is!), but we happen to know what he has in the house, and if he would just come down to that, then we could afford it. He claims that he will be happy to get back out of it just what he has in it. The problem is, he's kind of inflating the number he's giving us for what he's spent on it, and although we know better, calling him on it is not going to work in our favor. He also has to agree to buy our house for a decent price, which we're not too terribly worried about. 

And there are things that favor him in doing this deal with us. Like he will get a rental property out of it, and he also won't have to worry about selling his house on the open market (which is not so great right now), possibly delaying by months or longer his plan to move back home for good by the new year. But he's a guy who likes to make money (not criticizing), and this deal would not be a real moneymaker for him.

We would benefit by far more than he would. Not only would we be be getting our dream home, but we also wouldn't have to worry about getting our current house market ready, although there are a few minor repairs we would take care of anyway. But a cash buyer (which he would be) means no inspection process and having to fix every ding and scratch. It would also put us very, very close geographically to my parents, which is not such a huge deal now, but likely will be in the coming years when they will start to need assistance on a day to day basis. My mom is not in great health as it is, and I would like to be convenient to her should she need me to be, a likelihood I don't like to contemplate but can't deny. It will also make it easy for Nick to mow their yard for them when the time comes. 

This would be our forever home. As it sits it has the same number of bedrooms and bathrooms our current house has, but there's a huge finished basement the size of the rest of the house, already plumbed out for another bathroom and just waiting for us to turn it into a master suite, a laundry room, a bathroom, a craft room (!!!!!) and a small guest bedroom, all of which we could do with minimal cost and the help of my father-in-law the carpenter and my dad the former plumber.

This is not an impossible deal, but it will definitely be God working if it goes through, and we know that if it does not happen the way we're hoping, it's because He has a better plan. Worst case scenario, it doesn't happen and we stay in our current home, for now or from now on. And it's warm and solid and cozy, even if it is a bit cramped. We are so very blessed either way. So what I'm asking is for you all to pray that God's will be done here, and that if that plan does not include us getting this house, that Nick and I will be filled with peace and contentment and the assurance that He is still in control.

In about 17 hours we have a meeting with this gentleman, and hopefully we will know then whether or not we need to let this dream go. We're going to lay out for him what we hope to do and what we have to have to make that happen. If he doesn't agree, then we have to walk away. Please, if you are a praying person and don't mind do so, set an alarm on your phone for 7 PM EST and send up a prayer for God's sovereign will over this meeting and the whole situation. Love you guys!

July so far...

Did everyone have a nice 4th of July? Ours was quite lovely. We actually went to my parents' house the day before for a cookout, and it was a lot of fun having all 6 of their grandkids under one roof, especially since 5 of them are 4 years and under. :) Of course they're all together every week at church, but it was nice to have them where they could get down and play and make lots of noise. The actual 4th we went up to Nick's grandparents' cabin on the lake. It was wonderful! We had great food, fishing and swimming, and when it got dark, some of us went out on the pontoon boat and watched the fireworks going off all over the lake. 

I've really missed the cabin. We spent our honeymoon there, and every June for years we would go back for a family June birthday party and then stay for several days to celebrate our anniversary. For the last three years Nick has used his free week of vacation for church camp, so we've not gotten to stay for the week since 2010, and in 2011 we just had a weekend there. This was the first year at least as long as we've been married that they've not had a June birthday party, which was sad.

This year he gets 3 weeks vacation, and we were so looking forward to having a week there again. Unfortunately, since Nick's grandfather passed away, his grandmother has been getting more skittish about life in general, and she told us at Easter that she didn't think she was going to let anyone stay up there anymore. When Nick's dad opened the cabin up for the season there were some plumbing problems that had appeared over the winter, and I guess she's paranoid that someone will tear something up and Nick's grandfather is no longer here to fix things. This is disappointing to be sure, but we're hoping and praying that she will come around. 

Saturday we took the kids to the mountains and just walked around and had fun as a family, which was such a precious gift. God has been so good to provide us some financial ease recently, and it was wonderful to be able to have time with family on all three days and not have to scramble for money for gas or food to take to the celebrations.

Another blessing was that my parents found a killer deal on an upgraded washer and dryer a few weeks ago, and they passed their old set on to us. Obviously it was used, but definitely an upgrade to our washer and dryer, both of which were close to wearing out entirely. We were hoping to make it to next income tax return time so that we could buy a new set, so this was a real blessing. It's actually made laundry a much more pleasant chore. :)

I did end up getting a spanking after all. He planned to get to it Friday night after the kids were in bed, but he fell asleep on the couch. Then he planned to handle it Saturday night, but we got home late, and when he was ready to do it and go to bed, the girls were still awake (although they were in bed). So he decided that he would set the alarm early and do it before church. He was quite prepared to wake me up and paddle me (a rude awakening indeed), but his alarm also woke the girls up, and they came piling upstairs (saved by the bell!). 

Finally Sunday night the stars aligned and he took me upstairs to meet my fate. Forty or so swats with the Patty paddle from Cane-iac over my jeans might not sound so bad, but 4 months is a long time to go between spankings, and I was definitely on fire from the start. But it was exactly what I needed, and I've rediscovered my motivation for housework since lol. Now if I could just rediscover the same motivation to get to bed on time!

Anniversary Week

How's everyone doing? It's been a busy couple of weeks for us. After camp I had to get 4 photo sessions finished, as well as an Etsy order filled, and several birthday gifts made, some of which I'm still working on.

Mine and Nick's 16th anniversary was on the 26th, which was a Thursday. He had to work that day, and that evening we had a memorial service to attend for a friend from church who lost his battle with cancer earlier that week, so there wasn't really any time to celebrate. But after the memorial service, my mom and dad did take both Morgan and Daisy home with them, so we took Jack and went and had a lovely dinner together.

The next day Nick told me to meet him after work for a surprise. I took the kids shopping at a Burke's Outlet and found a cute outfit to wear on our date for a great price. Then I dropped the kids off at my parents' house and headed out to meet Nick. He surprised me with a yummy dinner of fish tacos and an art class! It was one of those places where you all paint the same thing and follow along with the instructor, and you can bring food and drinks to enjoy while you paint. I did one of these classes a couple of years ago with a girlfriend and had a blast, and I'd mentioned several times how much I wanted to do one with Nick, so this was an awesome surprise! The instructor offered an option to split the painting with your partner so you didn't take two mostly identical paintings home to the same house, so I painted the left side of the scene on my canvas, and Nick painted the right side on his. The painting we did was loosely based on Van Gogh's Starry Night, which I've always loved. We'd love to do this for our anniversary every year if we can. How cool would it be to someday have all those paintings to represent our years together?

Theoretically, there's supposed to be a spanking in the near future, but honestly I think he may have tabled it. He first mentioned it a couple of weeks ago, and I think maybe by this point he's decided not to do it, which is fine with me!

We've got VBS coming up in a few weeks, and I'm in charge of crafts again, which should be fun. And after that we go to Texas! Yay - I can't wait! Anyway, I'm off to bed. Have a great 4th of July!

The past couple of weeks...

So just a quick post to catch up on the couple of weeks. Let's see...Kelly's baby shower was the 9th of this month. I had planned all kinds of things to make for her. Unfortunately for my timeline (but not for our church), we had revival at church the week before, which kind of killed any crafting time I had. The revival was over Friday, but I had some errands to run Saturday and Nick was also working, so I didn't get any real time at the sewing machine until that night after the kids were asleep. One thing Kelly had actually requested was one of these:

Source

I made one for both Faith and Melanie a few months ago, and they loved them, so I did one for Kelly too. Then I started on some burp cloths. A few months ago my trusty iron that I got for my wedding quit on me. I was going to go buy one, but my mom, frequenter of estate auctions, had several, so she just gave me one of her extras. It had been working great, so when I plugged it up that night I was expecting no trouble. But when I took my fabric to the ironing board several minutes later, it was stone cold. No amount of turning it off and on or cord wiggling or new outlet trying could coax the least bit of heat from it. So I found myself heading to Wal-mart at 1 AM to buy a replacement. I went back and forth and finally decided on one of the least expensive models. When I got back home and opened it, I was most irritated to find that the whole tip of the iron plate was broken off! I couldn't see myself making another trip, so I just used it as it was and decided to return it the next day.

I did the carrier handle cushion, two burp cloths, and three skirts. Nick, who had fallen asleep on the couch, woke up about 4:30, just after I finished the first skirt. I told him my whole iron saga, and he didn't seem terribly upset that I was still up. He headed up to bed, and I told him I would be up shortly. Unfortunately, shortly turned into 6:30. 

The next day at lunch Nick asked me what time I'd come to bed, and he wasn't happy with the answer, especially since we had all ended up oversleeping and missed church that morning. (Not entirely my fault I don't think. It was Daylight Saving Time change weekend, and he overslept too!) But I didn't realize I was in trouble until that evening.

Nick runs the sound booth during our church services, so it's rare for us to get to sit together. Occasionally we will shoot each other short texts (generally not during the preaching). This was the conversation we had:

(Me) So sleepy...

(Him) Maybe if you went to bed at 2 instead of 6:30...

(Me) Possibly

(Him) Probably

(Me) I'm unconvinced.

(Him) Later I'll show you.

(Me) Nah, I'm good.

(Him) Too bad. It's already been earned.

(Me) You're no fun.

He didn't get a chance to do it for a couple of days, but finally Wednesday night at bedtime he had me come up with him. There was some lecturing, and I did plenty of assuring him that I was sorry and that I understood why I have a bedtime and why it doesn't work for the family for me to stay up all night, but there was no real question that I would be getting a spanking. He got a new tactical belt for Christmas, and he decided to try it out. It was the first time I've ever been spanked with a nylon belt, but it was very thick and stiff, and every bit as painful as leather. It was also very loud. I don't know how many licks I got, but enough to make me very glad when it was over. 

Source

The good news is that Kelly loved all her stuff. I was also able to make her a few of the other things on my list (before bedtime!) and take them to her at church Wednesday. All the pictures of the stuff I gave her at her shower include her in them, so I can't post them here, but I did think to snap a picture of the items I made later: another skirt, two pairs of shoes, a nursing scarf (the gray fabric) and a diaper clutch (to keep a few diapers and a small case of wipes in for quick changes on the go).

Friday I got to go to Melanie's house along with Kelly and one of her friends, and Melanie taught us the basics of crochet. It's something I've wanted to learn for ages, and it was a lot of fun having some girl time. 

On Saturday Morgan had her first soccer game. They lost, but only by one point, and her team is quite good this season. Afterwards we went to McDonald's and let the kids play on the play equipment. Jack and Daisy had a blast, and of course Morgan was too cool to play on it, but was gracious enough to climb up in there to keep an eye on Jack for us. Morgan has been struggling lately with some teen angst issues, and they've been manifesting themselves in some unhealthy ways. She's started doing a bit better, but I would really appreciate your prayers for her (and us as we parent her!). 

Saturday afternoon I did three month pictures for Brandon and Melanie's baby boy J, and it was exhausting! Fortunately my sweet husband fixed dinner for me. :)

Sunday night there was huge drama. Daisy...cut her hair! And I don't mean a little bit. She basically butchered it. Nick flipped out. He was furious! I wasn't thrilled about it either, but well, it's kind of something a lot of three and four year olds do at one time or another. I called Nick's stepmom (who does our hair), and she agreed to come and try to fix it the next day. When she saw it, she was kind of taken aback, but I told her we knew it was going to have to be pretty short, so she waded in. There were spots that were less than an inch long, so she ended up with a pixie cut, almost exactly like Maggie Gyllenhaal here, but a little shorter around the ears:

Source

Guys, I wish I could post a picture here, because she looks so freaking CUTE! I was resigned to it because it was better than the cut she gave herself - I didn't expect to love it! She has these big huge Disney Princess eyes like Katy Perry, so she still looks very girly, and with her dimples she looks like a mischievous woodland sprite, or a miniature Audrey Hepburn (although Audrey didn't have those dimples)! I'm sure we'll let it grow back out, but for now I'm glad we were forced into a cut we would've never had the nerve to get on our own!

Today Elizabeth came over for a while. She had laundry she needed to do and no money to do it (they use a laundromat), and I needed help unburying my kitchen table (which is going to get me spanked again if it's not done by Friday). So I let her use our washer and dryer, and she helped me clean. 

I've got so much stuff to do in the next few weeks! A list:

Skirts (2) for craft exchange

Shoes for craft exchange

Ring for craft exchange

Pillow Cover for craft exchange

Acorn Pillow for craft exchange

Pack gnome figurine and ribbon for craft exchange

10 xl pom poms for cupcake liners/garland

Make cupcake garland

Make 15 makeup bags

String washers for washer necklaces

Make 15 Rosettes for necklaces

String Rosettes

Make 15 Leather Bow Barrettes

Make brush pouch for nail brushes

Make pillowcase shirt for Morgan

Finish J's pictures

Easter bunnies for Logan, A, and J

Make shirts into short sleeves for Maddox

Leather envelope, Knot Bracelet and leather barrette and bracelet for Kit

Mail Easter stuff for Maddox and Kit

Make Daisy's Easter dress

Mother's Day gifts - stitch markers, dish cloths (crocheted)

Order of three pillow covers for Faith.

Anyway, I'm off to bed so I can get some rest and got some of this stuff done!

Chugging along...

It's been a while since I've posted, but it's just been so busy! We were snowed in, oh forever. Well, not really snowed in, but Morgan was out of school for almost a week straight, she had a friend overnight for several of those days, and it got a bit cabin-feverish. We did get our income tax return in on the 7th, which has been nice. We paid my parents back everything we owed them (for Daisy's dental work last year), took care of a few bills, and were able to get some things we needed. I'm planning to have another crafting slumber party for Morgan's birthday this year, so I got pretty much all the crafty supplies I needed for that. I also got to get an external lighting set up and a nice backdrop, which will be great for my photography! Nick had a few things on his list as well, such as his handgun carry permit, his next ASE testing registration, some new running shoes, and a new backpack. God always, always provides for us, but it's always fun when He provides a little extra. ;)

Monday night I got spanked. He told me Saturday night that it was coming. The plan was for it to happen Sunday night, but school was out for President's Day the next day, and Morgan had a friend spend the night. Nick didn't feel comfortable doing it with company in the house (nor did I), so he let me know he would deal with it the next night.

Monday night after all the kids were asleep he asked me to join him upstairs. I followed him up, then went into the bathroom to pee first. When I came out he had the Cane-iac Jr. with holes paddle in his hand.

The issue at hand was, as it always seems to be, the housework. I know it comes back to this time and time again. I've come to accept that it will probably always be somewhat of an issue for me, and though I really do make an effort, there will always come times when I need to be refocused and re-motivated. That was certainly accomplished with this spanking. I have no idea how many I got (well less than 100 I would think, but beyond that I can't guess). I do know that it was really, really hard to take right from the beginning, and I was no good at all at staying put for it. Finally, after telling me to bend over again 4 or 5 times Nick pulled down my jeans and panties. He told me that if I could stay put I would get 5 more, but if I moved again it would get a lot worse. Those last 5 were especially hard, and I've got a pretty bruised and sore bottom still a couple of days later.

But I feel better for having been spanked. I feel reconnected to my husband, and safe within his boundaries, and I've been getting more accomplished around the house. It's still far from perfect, but I'm working on it.

After the paddling we made love, something that doesn't always happen after a punishment, and he took his time making sure it was good for me too. Since then I've felt lighter and happier and just closer to him. 

Well that's been our last few weeks - how about you guys?

Staying Afloat

Guys, this month, and thus this year - it's been HARD. I mean crazy stressful! Let me see, a few of the high(low)lights:

A couple of weeks ago, when pretty much the whole country was frozen, our pipes burst and pretty much flooded the garage. Our washer and dryer are out there, and we have an old playpen out there where I try to keep all the laundry waiting to be washed. Unfortunately, the day before, Morgan and Daisy decided to "clean" Jack's room, and I don't even want to talk about why there were so many clothes on the floor in there, but they took every single piece of clothing, including some of Jack's new stuff from Christmas that had been knocked down from where I had it stacked until I could clear drawer space, and threw it all out into the garage on the floor in front of the washer and dryer. (I know my sentences are too long. I'm seeking help for it.)

So all of that stuff was soaked in extremely frigid water, and I had no idea how to stop the leak. Morgan and I started hauling all the wet laundry into the bathtub downstairs, and since Nick was at work an hour away, I called my dad. He came immediately and went into the scary crawl space under the house and turned the water off. By this time Nick was on his way to Wednesday night church, so my dad had me call him to come home instead. He came on home, and between the four of us (me, Nick, Dad, and Morgan) we got the pipes repaired (Nick and Dad) and all the laundry up and the water shop-vacced out of the garage (me and Morgan). That was the 8th. 

The 11th Daisy's best friend was having a birthday party, so I whipped up a few hair bows for a birthday gift, and we headed out the door to Chuck E. Cheese. It had warmed up drastically by then, so I was wearing flip flops (which I kind of live in) when I stepped out onto our wet front porch. My feet shot out from under me, and the right one jammed up under the bottom of the porch railing. I nearly passed out, but I kept it together, and once I could breathe and manage to stand, I went inside to change so that we could leave.

My foot was actively throbbing all day, and by the end of the night I was concerned that I might have broken the...top...of it (whatever that's called). I don't have health insurance, but I do have several nurse friends who convinced me via Facebook that I really needed to get it x-rayed. The kids were all in bed by then, so someone needed to stay with them. I called my mom to see if she would come sit with them so Nick could drive me in case they gave me something that would prevent me from driving myself home. Instead my dad came down and drove me across town to the hospital. James works there as a surgical tech, and he smoothed the process for me a bit, getting me fast tracked, bringing me a pillow and something to drink, etc. X-rays revealed that it was just badly bruised and swollen, which was good news except for the fact that I could have just stayed home and avoided the ER bill. Better safe than sorry, I suppose.

Both the little kids had been sick all weekend, so my dad and I took them both to the pediatrician on the following Monday (the 13th). Can you tell my dad is my hero? He went to 3 different doctor's visits with me this month. This was a horrible visit, both kids feeling terribly bad and violently opposed to any sort of examination. It turned out that they both had double ear infections.

Daisy had gotten her referral to a GI doctor the previous week and seen her on Friday, the day before the birthday party. It was really more of a consult, and the doctor set up an appointment for a lower intestine barium scan the following Friday. She also sent me home with a little plastic vial and instructions to collect a stool sample. This was not something I was looking forward to, but we do what we have to for our kids, right? Unfortunately she was not producing anything to uh, sample. I stalked this kid for 5 days. Finally, this past Wednesday, she yelled at me to let me know she was ready. While I was "collecting" and pretending I was in a happier place, Jack managed to get hold of not just my Macbook, but a cup of tea that I didn't even know was in the room (it was Daisy's).

Morgan came home from school just then to find him sitting on a soaked couch, splashing away in the puddle that surrounded my laptop. The lid on it was closed, so she grabbed it and yelled to me to tell me what happened. I was a little tied up, so I made sure she had gotten it away from him and finished what I was doing. When I got in there it really didn't look like anything had gotten inside it, so I set it aside while I cleaned up the tea. It was a couple of hours before I had a chance to mess with it, and when I tried to turn it on, nothing happened. Opening up the case revealed that tea had definitely gotten inside. That was really just the end of my rope. That day I had dealt with sick kids (Jack had thrown up - on me - more than once), collecting poop, piles of laundry, and fighting siblings. Plus I was supposed to meet a photography client in two days with a CD of her pictures (which I needed my Mac for), and an Etsy client wanted a custom pillow cover (which I also needed my Mac for). To make things worse Nick and I were snapping at each other, because he'd had a crappy day too (not as crappy as mine I daresay). I took it to the computer repair place I use and it's the logic board - $900 to repair.

This past Friday I took Daisy in for her barium test. She had to drink this awful chalky liquid, but she did pretty well. When I woke up that morning my right eye was kind of red and crusty. This is what it looked like then:

Two days later I was in all kinds of agony, and it looked like this:

Sorry the second one looks kind of insane. I was trying to get it as open as I could because I was texting it to my cousin, who is a nurse practitioner and was kind enough to call me in a prescription for some antibiotics. I was finally able to put my contacts back in today.

Today I got thrown up on twice (once yesterday and several times earlier in the week). Yeah, it's been a little rough.

BUT, there have been good things too. Some of them really good. I got a call one day last week from our water company telling me someone had paid our bill for us anonymously. It didn't take too much investigating to figure out it was my parents. :)

James showed up Tuesday and handed me $50 to help offset the cost off all the co-pays and prescriptions.

I called my mom Thursday morning to ask if she could stay with the kids so I could take my computer to the repair shop to see if it could be saved. She showed up a couple of hours later with a relatively inexpensive but brand new and fully functional HP laptop, all for me, courtesy of her and my dad. I was able to use it to fill my Etsy order and get it to the customer on time. They've also bought both food and medicine several times for my little family this week.

The computer repair place said my hard drive is still good, and they can move all my data over for $89. I'll pick it up this Friday and most of that cost will be covered by the CD order.

My photography client was incredibly cool about the whole situation and didn't mind waiting another week for her CD. I still had all of her raw files on my camera as a backup, so I hadn't lost them either way, but I would have had to re-edit all of them, and with the pinkeye I couldn't stand to look at a computer screen for more than a few minutes.

We were able to fix the pipes for less than $1 since my dad had a couple of pipe pieces that fit, and all we had to buy were a couple of copper joints. And we got all the wet laundry washed before it mildewed.

Daisy's lower intestine scan came back clear, and her stomachaches have become fewer and farther apart, so now we're just waiting on her next doctor visit.

So there have definitely been blessings too.

That said, I'm wound a little tight these days, and I'm feeling a little unmoored relationship-wise. We've been a bit in survival mode around here, and my very contagious pinkeye has just been the latest thing to keep us from getting close. The truth is, I miss my husband, and I miss very much feeling the comforting bounds of his authority. The day after my last post he apologized and told me that he'd known what I needed but hadn't felt like dealing with it. I can't say that that didn't hurt a little, but he was trying to stay afloat himself. I guess I've just been doing and taking care of so much at home myself lately that I'm missing a reminder that he's in charge and I actually don't have all the responsibility myself.

He's going to be staying home from work tomorrow because he's gotten sick himself in the last few days, so I don't think there will be any sort of discipline forthcoming, but I will be glad for the time with him, even though I hate that he's not feeling well.

Anyway, I'm off to bed. Thank you all for all your thoughts and prayers!

A super long dear diary post all about the last month.

I've been trying to get here to post for a few days now, and I'm finally getting a moment to sit down and do it. This post will probably be long and filled with details on gifts, so feel free to skip if it doesn't interest you. But I try to get all this stuff down because it serves as a record of our lives for me. :)

December is always busy for me, and this year was no different. I had a couple of different sewing jobs - five different winter skirts with matching hair bows, and a hem on a formal dress for the same customer. It was for a girl I graduated high school with. She has a 13 year old daughter who's pretty severely autistic, and the formal was for a special needs pageant (which she won in two categories I'm pleased to report). The skirts were because, at her physical age, it's hard to find clothes in her size that are appropriate to her developmental age. She's very much into things that most 5 year old girls are interested in, so it was fun to watch her reaction when I delivered the skirts made from material she chose. She was thrilled with them all, and her mom was equally happy.

I also had a couple of photo shoots, one for Brandon and Melanie's new baby boy, and one for a customer I've done several previous shoots for. And I had several Etsy orders too, including one on the 21st that had to be made from scratch and received on the other side of the country by Christmas Eve. 

And of course there were all the Christmas gifts to be made. Probably the most time consuming were the Christmas stockings I made for nearly everyone in our families, and well as Brandon, Melanie, and their new baby. My mom helped with cutting out the pieces since it's hard to spread fabric out to cut with a toddler running around, but I did the sewing, as well as hand painting the names on all of them. I think they turned out fabulous, and everyone loved them. 

Besides the 26 stockings, I also made: 5 shirts (2 applique and 3 stenciled), 5 stuffed whales, 9 corn bags (flannel pouches filled with cracked corn - stick them in the microwave and they make wonderful heat/therapy packs), 7 pairs of earrings, 10 necklaces, 12 wine glass charms, 2 zipper pouches, 1 skirt, 7 scarves, 2 blankets (one for new baby Liam and one for Morgan), 1 bracelet, 24 stamped note cards, a taggie security blankie, a bunch of baby bows/headbands, peanut brittle, candied pecans, 2 paracord bracelets, 4 paracord key fobs, 20 or so wax and cotton fire starters, and 2 pillows. I also ordered 9 personalized photo calendars for the guys and Nick's grandmother, and I think I almost worked harder on them than on the stockings. But they were a huge hit, and I will be doing them every year if I'm able. It will be easier next year, because I already have all the dates saved and can just update with new photos.

Nick and I never do much for each other in the gift category at Christmas just due to time/money constraints. But he did get me a $40 gift card to Joann's (yahoo!), and I got him a sweatshirt, made him a calendar and one of the paracord keyrings, and tracked down Youtube videos of all the songs on an album he wanted, then converted the audio tracks to mp3s for him. 

With my gift card I was able to order a jewelry tool I've had my eye on forever (can't wait till it gets here!) and buy some fabric and other sewing goodies. I made myself two awesome infinity scarves out of some of the material, and I've gotten multiple compliments on both of them. :)

Our Christmas celebrations went as follows: my cousin's house for my extended family on the 21st, my parents' house on the 23rd, Nick's aunt's house for his extended family on the 24th, our house Christmas morning, then his dad and stepmom's house after we were done at our house. 

From us the kids got:

Morgan - a blanket, 2 necklaces, 3 pairs of earrings, a scarf, a corn bag (she and Daisy sleep with them literally every night), a pillow, a Loom Bands set (found on Amazon for about $4 a few months ago!), and several shirts from Aeropostale that my mom bought on Cyber Monday for a great deal and gave to me to give her. Mom also made her a couple of pillows and a set of curtains for her room and sent them to our house for her to open.

Daisy - a skirt, a scarf, a necklace, a corn bag, a toy camera, a stuffed whale, a Foofa shirt (that turned out embarrassingly lame I think, but she loved it anyway), a like new Butterfly's doll that I found at the Goodwill for $1 (total score - they sell these dolls at Cracker Barrel for $20. She wanted one for months before we finally got her one back in August while we were on vacation), two Disney Baby Princess dolls (found for a great price at Aldi of all places), and a toy vacuum cleaner that was actually a hand-me-down from my cousin's little boy.

Jack - a whole bunch of toys handed down from my cousin. She did this for us last year also, going through all her son's toys right before Christmas to get rid of the ones he wasn't playing with and passing them on to us to help fill out Jack's gift list. I also got him a Plex beanie baby, and made him a matching Plex shirt. The beanie baby was a sort of hit, but he went nuts over the shirt, which cracked me up. He's worn it several times since Christmas, and every time he's tried to help put it on and proudly pointed at the applique on the front for anyone who would look. :) He also got a toy camera like Daisy did.

In other places, the kids got lots of clothes and shoes mostly, although my mom did get them all some non-clothing stuff. Morgan got about 6 scarves, which she loved, and Will and Kate sent her just a crazy amount of gorgeous name brand pieces. They also sent shoes and clothes for Daisy and Jack, every single item perfect as always. Nick's dad is also in the process of making a very nice set of bunk beds for Morgan's room. He's a very accomplished carpenter, and they look great so far. Morgan's big Christmas wish was a room makeover, thus the pillows and curtains and blankets. The bed is her grandparents' contribution. They kids also got small gift cards to Walmart (Jack), Old Navy (Morgan), Chick-Fil-A (all three), and Carmike Cinemas (all three). We took them to eat and see Frozen on New Year's Eve, which was very cute.

I couldn't tell you everything Nick got, although I know there were jeans and shirts and socks and a jump box (to jump off a dead car battery), a couple of pocket knives, and a basket full of edible goodies made by Kelly. Also a gift card to Bass Pro Outlet.

I got: from my parents - boots, a shirt, a purse, a recipe organizer, 2 books (one sewing and one on organizing for dummies lol), a pair of scissors, a hair barrette/bun maker thing, pajamas, and a sweater; from Nick's parents - makeup powder, eye liner, lip liner, lip gloss, socks, and an electric can opener; from Kelly and Grant - a ribbon organizer basket with two cute spools of ribbon, a pair of earrings, a gorgeous ornament wreath, and some hair bands; from James - a $25 gift card to Hobby Lobby (the most magical place on earth!); from Robert and Faith - a $25 steakhouse gift certificate (for me and Nick together); and from his cousin who drew my name - a Mary Kay mini Satin Hands set and a $25 gift card to Hobby Lobby (can you tell she knows me?). We also together got a huge bag of meat (steaks, burgers, etc - possibly weird, but so awesome) from my aunt, a huge box of Christmas cookies from my cousin, and a big basket of goodies like bread and hams and blocks of cheese and hot cocoa and chocolates and crackers, etc. from my parents. 

Let me tell you, if you're ever stumped for what to get someone for Christmas, a big basket of hearty snacks for the next day is hard to beat. My mom and dad did this last year too, and it's so awesome when you wake up the next day, with no energy to cook and no money left to eat out, to be able to have something quick and easy and filling to munch on! And if you shop sales and coupon, it doesn't have to be expensive, either!

The biggest Christmas blessing came a few days later from Kate and Will. We're always just crazy tight by the end of the year, and this year was the worst it's ever been. I knew that we would need about $1000 more than Nick's last check of the year was likely to be to just pay the bills, let alone buy gas and groceries. And the check after that (the one coming this Friday) would be particularly short due to the way the holidays fell this year, so we would need to supplement that one by several hundred dollars as well. 

When there's a holiday at most jobs it means full pay for a day off, or maybe even a bonus. At his job they get 8 hours pay, which sounds quite fair, except he works on commission, and being at a car dealership, they get paid for the number of hours an order is supposed to take (which sets the price for a service that the customer pays), not the number it actually takes. Which means that if they are quite good at their job (which Nick is), then an 8 hour ticket might only take them an hour or two of actual labor. This means that on an average day they might clock 12-15 hours in the time they're there, so an 8 hour pay day is actually a loss. Normally it works out that Christmas is on one paycheck and New Year's is on another, but this year they both fell within the same pay period, so his upcoming check will have two short days on it.

A few weeks ago I got particularly down and stressed about our finances. I was praying and searching for God's voice on it, and getting very frustrated with myself for not having more faith. I called Robert and asked him if he could come and talk with me about it. One advantage to having my brother as my pastor. :) So he came by, frozen Coke in hand for me since his wife is a sweetheart and suggested it.  Since my mom had stopped by when he showed up and he knew I wouldn't feel comfortable talking in front of her, he asked if she would watch the kids while I ran to Wal-Mart with him. Then we left, and had a lovely talk and some prayer, and he bought me a strainer I was idly admiring at Walmart and picked up my tab at the post office when I went to mail an order out. I felt much better when he dropped me back off. 

We still had no real prospects in sight, but I felt more at peace and sure that God had a plan. Kate had texted me and let me know that their gift for us was in the mail and to keep an eye out for it. It had not arrived by Christmas, but a few days later it came - a check for $2,000! It was enough to pay our bills, including a few to help out on the upcoming payday, as well as buy gas and groceries. We didn't really do anything out of the ordinary with it, other than to buy a new lunch box for Morgan and a few bottles of deeply discounted lotion for me, and take the family out to eat once. Nick and I also got to go out to eat once by ourselves, our fourth date night of the year. :)

At this point we're back to broke, but the bills are paid, there's a little gas left in the car, and we have food in the house. :) And I know that God is still continuing to provide, as He always does!

A few weeks ago I was in a very minor car accident. More of a hit and run, actually. I was on my way to Wednesday night church and somebody swerved into my lane and clipped my driver's side mirror. It's frustrating, because our insurance will only pay after a $200 deductible which is likely higher than we can replace the mirror for, but it could have been so incredibly much worse that I can't complain too bad. No one was hurt, and nothing but the mirror was damaged at all (although it's pretty much toast).

Daisy and Jack have both been battling some intestinal issues lately. Jack has had a number of vomiting episodes, although they have come with no attending symptoms, and almost always after he's been laughing really hard or crying a lot. So I'm thinking he maybe is triggering them with the laughing/crying. Daisy on the other hand is a little more worrisome. 

A few months ago the kids' insurance plan changed networks to one that their longtime pediatrician won't accept. We picked out a new pediatrician (the same one Faith and Robert use and love), but she was not accepting new patients until the new year. Back in September Daisy had a stomachache that went on all day, along with a fever. That was before the insurance change, but it was a Sunday, so the ped's office was closed, and she was in so much pain that she was actually asking to go to the doctor, so I took her to the ER. 

They ended up doing an xray, telling me she was, er, backed up, and giving her an enema. That seemed to do the trick for a day or two, but soon she was in pain again, so I took her to the pediatrician. They just told me to give her laxatives and sent us home. Unfortunately that didn't do anything for her. By the time it became a serious issue again, we were between peds, so back to the ER we went, for the exact same outcome.

Fast forward to a few days before the end of the year, and she was crying in pain again, and vomiting this time. So I took her back to the ER again. This time the xray showed no blockage, so they gave her something for the vomiting and told us to see her pediatrician for a referral to a GI specialist. She has an appointment this Tuesday to go in and get that referral, so please be in prayer that we will be referred to a good one that takes her insurance, and that it will be something easily fixed and not serious. I'm worried that maybe she's developed a food allergy or intolerance, which we've been blessed enough to have never dealt with before, so I'm hoping it's not that, although that would certainly be preferable to something more serious.

Also of note, Jack turned two on the 2nd. Waaah! My tiny baby is growing up on me! We had cake and ice cream at my parents' house, and he went nuts over all the hand me down toys from my cousin that I saved for his birthday. He's definitely his father's son. He's nuts about anything with wheels, and he can figure out anything mechanical in a flash. He got a little tool kit for Christmas with a toy drill and plastic screws, and he was drilling the screws down into the hole with no help whatsoever. The day Robert came over and Mom kept the kids, she turned her back for a minute and caught him on the kitchen table trying to run a piece of fabric through my sewing machine, which he had managed to turn on and start. :) She about had a heart attack!

The other day Nick and I had a small talk about DD. I started to feel really hurt and frustrated and unimportant because he's backed off on a couple of spankings lately, and we didn't really have any acknowledgment of our 10 year DD anniversary on New Year's Eve. But I recognized that I was letting myself spiral, and after some prayer and reasonable conversation with myself I brought it up at a good time and we had a civil conversation about it. He's agreed to try to be more consistent, as well as to help me with some other things like staying on top of going to the gym. 

Anyway, as promised, this was a super long dear diary post all about the last month, and I'm a bit past my bedtime, so I'm off to bed. Good night all!