So, an update

Life has been...full. Some definite frustrations, but some huge blessings too. Around October 5 we got an offer on the house. A very low offer, but the first one we'd had after 5 months and 85 showings. We countered and they countered and then a slightly better offer came in, which was still about $5,000 lower than we wanted to sell for, but we accepted it. 

The inspection was on the 12th, and it turned out to be really bad news. The buyer backed out without even negotiating for us to fix anything. The biggest issue was that there was foundation damage that we didn't know about. Like almost $10,000 worth, which we obviously couldn't afford. 

So we regretfully let all our family know that we would be taking the house off the market when our realtor's contract expired at the end of the month and apparently staying here indefinitely. 

Then Nick's sister Kate found out what was going on, and she and her husband offered to send us the money to fix the foundation. So our agent contacted the guy whose offer we didn't accept, explained the whole situation with the first buyer backing out and the foundation issues and the impending repair. And he matched the first guy's  offer, so we were back in business. 

The foundation repair, which came with a transferable lifetime warranty was scheduled to be complete November 2. In the meantime the second buyer's inspection was completed. The foundation repair company we hired is the top name in our region, and they obviously stand behind their work, but the guy doing the inspection also works for a rival company, and he told the buyer that he would do the repair work a different way. So, on the day that we were having thousands of dollars worth of professional, guaranteed work done, the second buyer backed out. 

So that's where we are now. We've raised our price by a little to try to recoup some of the value of the repair work, and we've also put in new countertops and backsplash in the kitchen. And we're back to showing again. It's very frustrating, but that's how it sits right now. 

But at least the house is in the best shape it's ever been in since we've owned it, so if nothing else it's a better place to live. 

And obviously God is providing. He's even blessed us with some just plain fun stuff lately. I got some really cool craft stuff for my birthday in October, and I also had a couple of photography jobs that paid me enough to upgrade my Silhouette craft cutter, something that's been on my wish list for a couple of years. We got to upgrade our phones, and the agent we dealt with put us in a much cheaper plan that not only allowed us to get way better phones than we had hoped for (I'm typing this on an iPhone 6s Plus), but we were also able to give Morgan my old phone and get her a line since she was apparently THE LAST high schooler on the face of the earth without a cell phone. AND our purchases qualified us for a $100 iPad mini, which Nick bought me for Christmas. So we have been blessed for sure. 

I will say that I've had a bit of a struggle since we lost the last contract on the house with staying as much on top of things. Up until then we were all doing fabulous with keeping the house spotless. We had to - we were averaging 17 showings a month, so we never really had time to let it get dirty! But the loss of the contract(s) was disheartening to say the least, and we kind of lost momentum. Not that it wasn't still miles better than it used to be, but we had a showing a few days ago and it was more of a mad rush to get things ready than it should have been. And I've entered my usual Christmas rush, unwisely shifting my priorities like I somehow do every year. Last night (Monday night) I stayed up all night working on some craft projects that I legitimately needed to get done, but Nick was unhappy when he got up and found that I hadn't been to bed. Tonight I got taken upstairs for a bit of a lecture about keeping the house ready for showings and using my time wisely and obeying my bedtime. Then I had to bend over the end of the bed and he gave me a hard spanking with his belt. Prior to the spanking I had just come down from my shower, so I had already taken off my pants, but he let me keep my panties up. It was only 20 licks with the belt, but I was very repentant by the end. My poor bottom is quite out of practice and I can't take what I used to be able to. I'm just glad he didn't make me get out the Cracker Barrel paddle. It's the only one we have that isn't packed away right now. 

Anyway, I was absolutely in bed by 2:30 tonight, and it's time for me to turn out the lights and call it a night. 

What happened then...

So my last post went up just after midnight on a Friday. Friday morning when Nick got up for work, he read it. My posts get auto emailed to him when they go live. And he was maybe a little extra affectionate, a few pats on the butt and a bit more attention as I got Daisy up and ready for school. But he didn't mention it. And honestly, I didn't expect him to, not then anyway. But I thought we might talk about it that night. We didn't. Nor the next night. Finally on Sunday night, he said, "I read your post." "Yeah?" "I know you've been under a lot of stress lately, and I haven't been very good about dealing with it." And that was it. That night we went up to bed and he got on his iPad and played a bit, knowing he and the kids were off for Labor Day the next day and we could sleep in.

I thought maybe he would bring it up, or even act on it, but he didn't, so I tried talking to him about it. I tried explaining some of the feelings I was trying to work through in the post, and what I needed from him (basically piss or get off the pot). And he acted as though I literally wasn't there. Not so much as an acknowledgement I was speaking. So I turned over and went to sleep. At that point, yes, I was hurt, but in a dull kind of way that just felt like something I had known for a long time was being confirmed. I wasn't pouting or working myself into a crying rage. I was just tired, in more ways than one, so I went to sleep.

The next day we were supposed to spend the day at Kelly and Grant's house. I was quiet and a little subdued, but I wasn't sulking or trying to have a bad attitude, and I was friendly and sociable throughout the day. What thought I gave to the whole DD situation was brief and not too deep and mostly centered on whether I should write him an email or just put it in a blog post that this part of our relationship didn't seem to be worth pursuing any longer. I wasn't exactly angry, just resigned a and a little sad. It was a long day with a lot of little kids running around, and by the time we got home, I was worn out. Jack and Daisy were both asleep, so we put them and Morgan straight to bed, and we both just kind of vegged out on the couch for a bit. Finally I headed up to bed to read for just a few minutes, already dreading getting up early the next day to get Daisy off to school. A few minutes later Nick came up and I heard him rummaging around in his closet, but I didn't think anything about it. When he walked around to my side of the bed and I looked up to see him standing there holding his belt, I was genuinely startled. And I got really angry. He started telling me that I'd had a terrible attitude all day, and that he was going to deal with it. Frankly I just wasn't having it. I had spent basically weeks by this time accustoming myself to the idea that he had moved on from this, and his complete lack of response the night before had more or less confirmed it for me, and here he was turning everything upside down.

He pulled the blanket and sheet off of me and told me to turn over, and I flat out refused. Several times. He warned me that he could make me, and I more or less invited him to do so. Within the next couple of seconds I was face down in my pillow, and he was basically wearing me out. It wasn't a particularly long event, but it did break through my anger, and I was hardcore ugly crying before it was over. And the crying went on for a very long time, far longer than the spanking itself would account for. I was just working through a ton of built up stress and fear and sadness. I would like to say that the evening ended with him holding me and letting me cry it out on his shoulder and then maybe some sweet time reconnecting. Unfortunately we both had to be up the next day, and he was maybe less inclined to be patient with me than he might have been if we'd had more time and had I not fought him so much on the whole thing. He basically told me to turn out the light and go to sleep, and I was left feeling more or less exactly like the hassle and irritant I'd felt like for so long.

Now, before anyone, Nick included, thinks I have nothing but complaints about him and what happened that night, I don't. Whatever the execution, it was something I badly needed, and by the next morning I was feeling much better and more evened out. It helped, it really did. And I know that I really, really needed it to be something I submitted to whether I thought I wanted it or not. I think maybe we were both so out of practice with it that we were clumsy with each other's feelings. But he did the hard thing, and that was what I needed him to do, and I'm grateful.

I don't know if this means that this is something we're doing again now or if it was an anomaly. He hasn't wanted to talk about it, and I'm reluctant to push a conversation to ask for fear of making him think that I didn't appreciate it or that I'm too needy.

Something he did mention the other night was that he felt like I maybe portrayed him a little unfairly in the last post when I mentioned the various ways he has of blowing off some steam. He thought it sounded like he's off playing all the time and just leaving me with the kids and never coming home. That's not how it is at all. He does something maybe once or twice a week. He's done the soccer golf thing on a couple of Sundays recently. He went on an overnight hunting and fishing trip Friday night, and he's at the gun range with my brother right now. But he also came home last night to keep an eye on the kids while I had a Norwex demonstration at the house. And there are certainly weeks when he doesn't do anything relaxing at all. He has a three day weekend every other week, which means that the weeks in between he works 6 days of 7, and the 7th day is spent mostly at church. And this past Sunday he cooked both lunch and dinner without even being asked.

He hasn't been doing the DD side of things, but he has tried to relieve stress for me where he could. It's just that there's not always a good way to do that other than spanking it out of me. This is just an especially stressful time in our lives between tight finances, having our house on the market, and trying to find another house. For instance, in the 11 days since my last post, our number of showings has risen from 60 to 72, and we have another one tomorrow. And that's not even counting the three that got cancelled in the last week. So we don't really get much of a break. And as we talked about, the things he does for stress relief are mostly very inexpensive or free (with the exception of the hunting trip, which he took on a side job specifically to finance), and there's just not a lot of things like that that would be relaxing for me. I really enjoy crafting, but that's not really an option right now with most of my stuff in storage and no good place to use what I still have here. I would absolutely LOVE to spend a day thrift store hopping, but we don't have any room in the budget right now. The same thing with just a girls night out. None of this is his fault in any way shape or form, and I don't want to imply that it is.

I don't really have any answers here, but I know this season will pass. Eventually the house will sell (or it won't, and we'll eventually take it off the market and stop having strangers parade through it every day). Eventually Jack will potty train, and finances will get a little better and the lawnmower will get fixed (did I mention it threw a rod through the block? It did.) Eventually I will have some sort of a place to craft and we will get to take a vacation and life will stop putting us through the wringer. Eventually. And even if that takes forever, we have God and each other, and we will make it.

A Year

We are still working on selling the house. It's an exhausting and frustrating process, and I'm tired. Today was our 60th showing. 60th. And we have another tomorrow, and one on Sunday, another on Monday. We lowered our price by $10,000, something we didn't want to do, but we felt that so many showings with no offers was telling us it was the right move. We also found another house that we would like to buy, but if course ours has to sell first, and we have to figure out the financing based on our new lower selling price. This is the fourth house in a year that we've tried to buy. I know God has a plan and a time. I'm just getting worn out.

So the title of this post doesn't refer to the year we've spent house hunting. What it refers to is the longest DD drought we've ever had. Sunday will be one full year since my last punishment. And I'm frustrated. And sad, and hurt, and weary, and angry. I have asked him multiple times if he's just done with it, and he always says no, it's just something we haven't done "lately". But "lately" seems like a flimsy term for this situation. This feels like he just doesn't want to bother with it, but he also doesn't want to be the bad guy who admits he just doesn't want to do it anymore. He doesn't want to have that conversation or shoulder the guilt for bowing out of a responsibility I've shouldered him with. Or maybe he thinks that if he "officially" stops spanking, I'll stop deferring to him and treating him as the Head of the Household. The thing is, I don't treat him that way because of any DD dynamic. I treat him that way because I believe that is the plan for marriage God has laid out, and our whole family is happier for it. 

Being honest, I don't do a whole lot to piss him off these days. The house has been clean for four months. The laundry is always done. I have dinner waiting almost every night. But I'm functioning with a high level of stress. I have no outlets left. Most of my craft things are in storage, and what is still here has to be pulled out of closets and set up on the kitchen table to be used. And the entire time I'm having a mini panic attack because it's causing a temporary mess that needs to be put away. My laptop is excruciatingly slow, which makes my photography unenjoyable. I have a craft blog that I was very active on for a while, but once we went to market with the house, the combination of the slow laptop and the inconvenience of doing projects in a space that needs to be always neat has kept me scarce over there. I've tried having some craft days with girlfriends, but with kids on hand and no good place to spread out, it's always been more trouble than enjoyment. Money has been tight, so we've not had any sort of date night in months, and we didn't get to take our annual trip to Texas for the same reason. 

Nick has plenty of stress to deal with too of course, but he has a few outlets. He goes fishing just about every chance he gets. And this past Sunday he went and played Foot Golf (like golf, on a course, but with a soccer ball and really big cups) with some of his friends. He sometimes goes to the gun range, and he has a gym membership. 

Daisy has also started kindergarten, and while she loves it and is doing great, any change of routine is stressful for a while. I'm up before Nick every day now, and with Jack home with just me all day, he's right on top of me all the time. Not that I don't love having one on one time with him, but he can be a little intense. On top of that I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to potty train him. And yes, he's three. 

I admit, it all gets to me, and it's less rare than it should be that I lose it and just have a really bad attitude. I fight much more than I should with Morgan, who started high school this year, and I'm frequently impatient with all three kids. These are the times I need him to discipline me. There was a time in our lives when he would see me spiraling and would make a time and a place to get my attention in a big way and help me reprioritize. I'm not going to lie, the actual physical experience of a spanking is one that I both dread and fear, but not so much that I don't also crave the peace it inevitably brings. 

And I feel abandoned. I feel so very hurt that he basically said "This thing is not my thing, but it's your thing, and because you are mine and need this, I will do this for you." And then he just...quit. And not just that he's quit, but that he's done it without allowing me the certainty needed to really mourn its loss and move on. This last year has felt to me like he just really doesn't care at all that this is a genuine need that I have that can only be met by him and is therefore going unmet. Perhaps he's trying to starve it to death. If only it were that easy. I've prayed so many times that God would take this part of me away if but isn't something that can be a valid, functioning part of our marriage. I would love to not need this, but I do. It makes me bloom. It leaves me thriving and capable. Or it withers and wearies me when it's absent. 

Please understand that I'm venting here, the only place I can do it. Nick is truly a wonderful husband. He's faithful and loving, and he works hard every day so that I can stay at home with our kids. And if he wants to dispense with domestic discipline, I can live with that, I really can. But I need to know, so that I can lay it to rest and learn to let go. 

Busy life

So four months have gone by. I'm sorry I've not been updating. I just haven't been able to find the wherewithal to sit down and post. But a lot of things have been happening. 

First of all, the house I mentioned back in February. We didn't get it. We kept working toward getting ours ready to market, and the Realtor called us periodically to find out how close to listing we were. Finally he called in April to tell us the homeowners expected an offer from a particular buyer any day. This would be their very first offer after over a year on the market, so we expected them to take it, which we hated, but we just weren't ready. Then the other offer got delayed. 

Finally the Realtor called and asked me what it was that was keeping us from submitting a contingency offer. I explained that we still had a few things left to do, which we were working to come up with the money for, and we knew a contingency offer would be time sensitive. We didn't want to waste part of that time with our house not yet for sale. He said he felt like they would be open to a lengthier contingency time frame than normal since no other offer had come in, so I told him we would talk about it and pray about it. We finally decided to go for it, and we submitted an offer several thousand dollars below the asking price, with the expectation that they would counter. 

And of course the other offer came in the same day. But they asked the Realtor to come back to both us and the other buyers and ask us to submit our very best offers. So we gave them an offer for the very most we were willing to spend. The next day the Realtor told us he was very sorry, but they had chosen the other buyers. So I was very sad and upset for about an hour.

Then Nick found a very new listing online for a house in close to the same price range with even more room than the one we had just lost. It was For Sale By Owner, so we called the number listed and asked for a showing. We went to see it the next day, and we fell completely in love. Like head over heels. 

It was definitely a project home, as the owners had purchased it to completely renovate and then run out of money after running into some nasty surprises. But they had fixed most of the big things, like a new roof, a new ($20,000) HVAC system with all new trunk lines, new plumbing, a completely renovated kitchen with granite counter tops, all new cabinets, and all new higher end appliances, tile flooring in the kitchen and living room, and new carpeting upstairs.  The husband is in the military, and they bought the home based on the information that he was going to be deployed to Afghanistan. They were going to used his deployment salary to pay for the renovations. They went ahead and started the major renovations using credit with plans to pay it off when his salary came in. Then his deployment got cancelled. By this time they were tens of thousands of dollars in debt with the renovations, so they decided to cut their losses and sell. 

It had everything we wanted and even things we hadn't  been looking for, like a pool and a tennis court (yes, a tennis court). And there was a ginormous craft space with a kitchenette attached to it. Okay, it was a mother-in-law suite, but it would make a dream craft room. And there was a huge detached garage tall enough for Nick to install a car lift in, which has long been on his list of someday dreams. The bedrooms were massive, and there was tons of natural light throughout the whole house.

We loved it so much that, after praying about it, we made an offer that same day. At first they didn't accept it because we weren't on the market yet with our home, but our Realtor talked them into a 90 day contingency contract, and the race was on! Our families came together to help, and we were market ready in 2 weeks. It actually took a few days for the listing to go live because we were waiting on the photographer to come take listing photos, but once it did, we blew up with showings. Like 5 in the first few days. And they just kept coming. We've had 45 showings at this point. But no offers. And our contract ran out last Monday. 

We talked to the homeowners, and they were willing to renew on basically the same terms for another 6 weeks or so. But we wanted to go by and see the home again before we signed a new contract, especially since they did not want to work with our Realtor since they didn't want to have to pay him a seller's commission. As we've only contracted with him to sell our house, not find us another, that was fine with us. But we wanted to take my parents with us to see the house, especially since my mom would be handling all the paperwork on our end if we weren't going to use our Realtor. They really didn't like the house at all, which was disappointing to us, but all they could see was the work left to do. 

It's mostly just finishing work at this point, like laying tile that has already been purchased and would come with the house, putting up trim and hanging doors that are also already there, and installing toilets that are sitting there in the boxes. But there are a couple of major projects too, the most urgent of which would be putting together the completely gutted master bathroom (no small expense). The in ground pool needs a bit of cosmetic work, and we don't know if all the pipes are sound. The upstairs hallway and the stairs need  carpet, and there are several places in the home that need drywall or ceilings installed. We were actually pretty disappointed that they hadn't finished anything since we had first seen it three months prior, but the  wife is very pregnant and the husband is frequently gone with his job, and I guess they figured they had a buyer and didn't need to do anything else.

We could do all the work ourselves with the exception of the pool, but after more prayer and talking, we opted not to renew the contract. We haven't completely ruled the house out by any means, but we feel like God was telling us not to sign anything else until our house sells. Maybe since they have to start marketing it again they will finish up a few projects, and if it doesn't sell soon, maybe they will come down on the price. Or maybe it's not the house for us after all and it will sell to someone else before ours sells. We're still just waiting and praying.

So that's what's happening on the real estate front. The good news is that my house has been pretty much spotless for 3 months straight. The laundry is always all done and the sink is always clean. I've never been such an awesome housekeeper in my life. Wherever we end up, I definitely want to continue the habit, even if I have to be the meanest mom in the world to make it happen. Jack and Daisy are both actually great at keeping things neat now. It's Morgan I have to stay on top of.

Of course now that the house is all clean I am literally perfect (ha!), so there's no reason at all for Nick to bring up anything discipline related. Except of course for the fact that I still desperately need it in my life, but whatevs. I've asked him several times if he's decided not to do it any more, and he always says no, it's just not something we've done "lately". We're coming up on 11 months now since the last punishment spanking, and 9 months since the last spanking at all, which was my wonderful birthday spanking last year. I'm halfway convinced that he really is done with it but just doesn't want to have the conversation so he keeps putting me off. That's probably not a fair assessment, but I'm on my period and not inclined to be reasonable.

We did finally get that night alone on our 17th anniversary last month. It was kind of a mixed bag. The time we had together was wonderful, but the timing was bad. Nick had to work that day, then get up early and go back to work the next day. Plus I was on my period then too, which kind of put a damper on things. We went downtown and had a fabulous sushi dinner, but our plans to explore the downtown area on foot together afterwards got rained out with a vengeance. 

Nick took this last week off, and my mom tried to give us another go at a romantic night alone. That went swimmingly until about 2:30 in the morning when she finally gave up trying to pacify a little boy who badly missed his mom and I had to go get him. But we had been about to go to bed anyway, to sleep since we'd had some crazy good sex on the back deck earlier, rather daring for us these days. :) 

So what else? Nick ended up not getting to join us at church camp this year because they wouldn't give him the time off. which was a huge disappointment. He did drive up every night for the evening meal and service, but it wasn't the same without him. Since he wasn't going to be there all week, I had just planned to drive up daily myself. This was the first year we incorporated a craft time into every day, and I was in charge of it, so I did have to be there for that, but I was afraid it might be hard to manage both little kids in that environment by myself all week. But Nick didn't want me to make the drive every day, both because of the gas expense and because it's kind of a long and sketchy drive road-wise, so he had me stay. Kelly and her two little ones, Logan and Adison ended up staying with me most of the week though, so we traded off sitting so the other could get a shower when we needed to. At 9 months apart, Jack and Logan are best buddies as well as first cousins, so it was good for them to have each other to play with, and Daisy couldn't get enough of 13 month old Adison.

Nick missing camp did mean that he still had that week of vacation, which is why he was able to take it off last week. Vacation Bible School was going on at our church all week, and I wish it had been some other week. It went great and the kids loved all the crafts, but Nick wasn't thinking about it being that week when he requested off, so it wasn't quite the break he was hoping for. But he still got some fishing time in, and it was nice for him to at least not have to show up at work. And we did have that one very nice partial night alone. :)

We're most likely not going to get to go to Texas this year, which makes me very sad. We've been every year since Kate and Will got married with the exception of the year we all went to Sea Island to vacation together. It would have to be in the next 3 weeks or so if we were able to go, and the money is just not there this year. We did get to see Kate and the kids for a week though a few weeks ago when she came in to stay, so it's not like we're going a couple of years between visits. Maybe if the house sells by then we can try to go when the kids are out of school for fall break.

Speaking of school, in 20 days I'll have both a high schooler and a kindergartner, (Sob!) We had Daisy in a one on one preschool program one day a week last school year with Morgan's retired preschool teacher who now teaches like this in her home. Daisy missed the age cutoff for kindergarten by 5 days last year, so she'll be one of the oldest in her class, and we didn't want her to fall behind. She did really great with the in home teaching, and she's reading pretty well and a whiz at math. She'll do great in school, but I'm sad to see her growing up so fast! So far it's looking like she'll be in the elementary school near our current house, which I don't love. Morgan attended there in 5th grade, and the teachers were all very nice, but the school is only rated a 3 out of 10. We didn't put in for any sort of transfer request for her, because we thought we'd be moved by now, and the house we were trying to buy is zoned for the top rated elementary school in our county. 

Morgan on the other hand will be going to the school we want her to attend. We did request a transfer for her, because the other house (well, both other houses actually) were zoned for a school we didn't want her to attend. We were actually surprised to be approved for the transfer, because we were told they're notoriously hard to get, but we sure prayed hard about it, and God answered. I have to trust that He has a plan for Daisy being where she is. When they had kindergarten round up a few months ago we went ahead and pre-registered her at the nearby school because we didn't have permission to go anywhere else, and she really liked what she saw, so I'm sure it will be fine. She'll be close to home, and it will probably just be for one year anyway.

So I think that's all the news that's news. Hope you guys are all doing well!

Cocooned

It never really goes away, you know. That insatiable need, that mild to raging obsession that is always lurking there at the corner of whatever you're doing. I wish that it did. I wish that I could flip a switch and fade it from my psyche, but the very fact that my mind has already haplessly seized on the word "switch" and imbued it with a startlingly fleshed out story line gives lie to the notion. And it's nothing new, this discipline-obsessed incubus that chatters in my ear at every turn. It's been over 6 months since the concept of discipline remotely related to anyone past middle school in this house, and the buzzing in my head has reached a bleak and mournful pitch. 

I hate this. I hate the fact that I can't master this need for mastery, that it pulls at me at every turn in a room where there is no place for it. It's ridiculous, this deep seated longing for boundaries and a regular occasion to smash up against them. And it seems patently unfair, when the man I love with all my heart can't hear the bellowing whispers of this need. And why on earth should he have to? I am not a child. I don't need someone to remind me to go to bed at a reasonable hour, to tell me to remember to eat before I feel shaky with the lack of it, to manage my time so that I'm not constantly running out the door 10 minutes late. So why oh why are these things that I struggle with, and struggle more with in feeling obscurely hurt that no one is stepping in to make me get out of my own way? I'm neither incapable nor a fool, so what exactly is the problem?

And if I am neither incapable nor a fool, neither am I petty enough to act out in a way that is harmful to my marriage. Certainly there are small rebellions, sneaking a lidded drink up to bed when we agreed to keep food off the new carpet, a quick trip to the thrift store while I'm meant to be running out for ground beef, maybe one more round of Trivia Crack when I should really turn out the lights and go to sleep. And each harmless act carries with it a delicious thrill of what if... But I'm not spending the house payment on a new craft cutter, flirting with other men, taking up smoking again. I'm far too in love and filled with a genuine, bone-deep gratitude for what I have already to fire randomly at our marriage in hopes of drawing a response. I love this man, and he is good to me.

What frightens me the most about this need is its insistence in the face of starvation. Go without sex for long enough, and you will, eventually, all but stop needing it. The lack may tell in parts of your life, but it won't haunt and mock you after a while. There is no such relief for me and this commonly bizarre cry for discipline. The clanging bell in my head rings loudest for punishment, not play. While I certainly enjoy an occasional sexy spanking, I can generally take them or leave them. It's genuine chastisement that makes my gears turn, although that arousal comes well after the event, and stoutly depends on the punishment being both real and effective. It seems there's a sixth love language that fits me like a glove. 

I have made it a point to be purposeful in my sexual thoughts, to cast only my husband in my fantasies, and for the most part this is easy. I have no desire for other men, and the best sexual scenario for me in any situation involves only him naturally. But when I feel untended and burdensome, it's because the real life experiences are long MIA, and it becomes hard to get the highlight reel to load. I have to fight the urge to go skipping through the offerings of the internet, a trap I have cause to know too well. Those pictures and stories are usually sordid, and even if they're not, even if they are sweet and modest and heartwarmingly genuine, they aren't mine and his, and they don't have a place in a heart and mind that is desperately grasping to fill a need that is meant only for him. 

I don't have any answers here. I know the instinctual advice is to push communication. Surely just talking things through will solve the issue. Except it won't. It has not and it will not. That's not pessimism, it's realism. He was not made for this, even if he was somehow made for me. And that he was made for me is something about which I have no doubt. But it rarely occurs to him that I might need discipline unless I have done something to make him really angry, and I'm am unwilling to pay the greater, long-term price that comes with being intentional about such a thing. The quandary therefore is this: why would he want to punish me for being a loving, capable, generally well behaved adult? And why would I choose to be anything else when I am, after all, neither incapable nor a fool? When the stress builds and I find myself lashing out, I'm brought to heel with little more than a quiet word. The automatic urge to push, to provoke, crumbles in the face of the realization that he's right of course, and why am I being so unreasonable anyway? It's not fear that backs me down, but inconvenient maturity.

I have no time for games. I don't want a pretend punishment with a wink and a leer. And for many people that is just what they need. But it feels false and pointless to me, a waste of time. I need to feel genuine love and purposeful caring as an impetus to the act, a pointed desire and intention to steer me right. But I've been a good girl all my life, and most days I feel too guilty to fall apart and make all the poor decisions, simply because I know better. How could I dare to be so thoughtless when he has given me all the other desires of my heart? And so I feel the inevitable curling inward, the quiet cocooning against a prodding quest that has no easy grace.

Preparing

I know it's been too long since I've posted here. But I'm still kicking. Life has been busy but wonderful. Christmas was a precious time as always. I got some fun things, but the biggest was a Dyson DC59 Animal with a Home and Car Cordless Tool Kit from Will and Kate. I know it's not exactly a wild and crazy gift, but I was super excited - it's the first decent vacuum cleaner I've ever owned! And it was completely unexpected. Kate has one that she loves and uses constantly, and I've used it at her house. I was thinking it was a Shark and that it also was a steam cleaner, and a few months ago when we were looking for something to buy to use on our laminate flooring I called and asked her what kind she had. She told me it was a Dyson and that it was just for vacuuming, so I pretty much forgot about it since A) Dyson's are crazy expensive and B) we were looking for a steam mop. Anyway, we found a Shark steam mop at Lowe's that we've loved, and we put an actual vacuum on the back burner since our only carpet was in our bedroom and on the stairs. The carpet in both places was pretty sad, and we had a little Shark hand vac, so we decided to just stick with that for now.

BUT, now we have new carpet!! We're smack in the middle of (well hopefully not the middle of, hopefully more toward the end of) getting our house on the market. Last month we found a house that we really, really love. It's already on the market, but it's been sitting there for 11 months now with no offers. In fact, we looked at the listing last year, but at the time they wanted $30,000 more than their current asking price, and it was beyond what we could even consider. But they've come down to within our price range, and their realtor (who will also be our realtor when we list) told us when he toured the house with us that they are not firm even on the lower price, so they may be willing to come down some more. 

One point against it for some buyers is that it is located directly across from the entrance to a rifle range, which scares a lot of people who don't know much about it. But the shooting area for the range is far, far away on the property on the other side of the street and facing away from the house. And it's also 3 driveways down from our community soccer and football fields, which should tell you something about the safety of it. I think the biggest reason they've not had any offers is because of their more or less horrific decorating style. The big dark poofy drapes, excessive floral and gilt, and terrifying 80's furniture is pretty off-putting, but that's their stuff - we're only worried about the house beneath it. And the house itself is awesome. The only cosmetic stuff we would have to change would be switching out a few chandeliers for ceiling fans, replacing the blood red shower surround and matching vanity, and adding a dishwasher. Everything else is perfect, including the fact that it has a ginormous garage for Nick, a huge playroom for Jack and Daisy, a separate room for each kid, 3 bathrooms, generous closet spaces, a massive master bedroom, a laundry room, tons of play area outside, nice landscaping, and........a craft room!!! Can you hear the angels singing? 

It's about 2 1/2 times the size of our current home, but it's well insulated and also has a wood stove to help with heating, and the utility bills are actually pretty comparable to ours here. Property taxes are also about the same. The owners built the house 43 years ago and raised their family there, and you can tell that it's been lovingly maintained. They're retired now and are building themselves a little cabin in the country, so they're anxious to sell. And I LOVE the fact that the soccer fields are just a few yards down the road. Morgan played soccer for a couple of years, and Jack and Daisy will likely do the same. And there's a greenway for walking with a playground at the end of it, as well as a dog park along the way. When Morgan had practices Nick and I would walk with the littles and sometimes the dog, and I really enjoyed it.

Now I know, this house is far from being ours. Especially since we're not even to market yet with our house. But we're close to listing, and as soon as we do we plan to put down a contingency offer. We've already gotten pre-approved for the loan, and our realtor seems to think our house will be pretty desirable in our area. And when it comes down to it, if it's not the house God has for us, it just means He has something better.

But, we do feel led to go ahead and get ours listed, so toward that, we've: put down new linoleum in both bathrooms, given almost everything a fresh coat of paint, had new carpet put down in all three bedrooms, the hallway, and on the stairs, done lots of patching and sanding and painting on random wall dings, put up a nice new light fixture in the bathroom downstairs, begun painting our kitchen cabinets white (oh my gosh I love them, why didn't we do this years ago?), and rented a storage unit, which currently holds about 50% of our belongings. We've still got to finish the cabinets, paint the ceilings, paint the kitchen, lay the linoleum in the kitchen (which is in our garage waiting on us to finish the ceiling paint), clean out the garage, clear out some brush and stuff at the side of the house, and hire someone to paint the back of the house. Right now we're in the middle of an ice storm, so the outside stuff is off limits for the moment, but we're working hard to get the rest done.

And guys, I've been doing so much better with keeping stuff clean! Granted the kitchen is in chaos right now, but that's because it's under construction. But the bedrooms and bathrooms always look nice. And the living room is more or less always within 15 minutes of being clean, now that all the furniture from the rest of the house that was moved there during carpet installation has been moved back.

So what else has been happening other than house stuff? Well, Nick and I had an unexpected and totally awesome date night Dec 30. We took the kids up to visit with my parents one afternoon, and they offered to keep all three and sent us out the door! We had gift cards for The Chop House  as well as for a movie, so we enjoyed an amazing dinner and went to see The Mockingjay Part One, and even squeezed in a quick trip to Tuesday Morning in between! 

We got our income tax return, which is mostly gone now, but we were able to use it to pay some bills, pay my parents back for some money they had let us borrow last year, rent the storage unit for a few months, and do some repairs on Nick's truck. The bills we paid will especially be helpful as they would have all been due on his next check this Friday. Please be in prayer for us, because he used a couple of sick days to deal with removing our old carpet and flooring and then being here while the new carpet went in, which would have been fine, but then his place of business has been closed for the last two days because of the ice storm, so his paycheck will be taking a huge hit, and we still have a number of other bills to pay. But we are just trusting God and praying - He always shows up!

Oh, something kind of funny (in retrospect) happened last month. Nick and I had made arrangements for someone to watch all three of our kids overnight. His dad and stepmom were taking Morgan and Jack, and my parents were taking Daisy. This is not common. In fact, other than that night, it has never happened. That was Jack's first (and so far only) sleepover. And prior to his birth, the only time Daisy had been away from us overnight was when I was in the hospital during my pregnancy with Jack. That means that Nick and I had not had a whole night alone in over 5 years.

Now we didn't have any big romantic plans. We just needed the kids out from under foot while we (he) installed the linoleum in the bathrooms and painted. But still, we were looking forward to the night, blasting our music from the 90's and painting in our underwear if we wanted, and who knew where the night might lead?

That night our church youth group went ice skating, and Morgan, her bestie Allie, and Allie's boyfriend were all going. I was to pick them up afterwards, then drop them all off where they were supposed to be. Now normally, Allie rides the bus home with Morgan on Friday and we drop her off at home Sunday night after church. I joke that we have custody of her on weekends, although really her parents are a bit presumptive about leaving her with us. It kind of gives us an extra mouth to feed almost half the week since they never send her any money to eat on, and I never get a call from her mom asking if it's okay for her to stay.  But normally it's fine. Truly. She's not a problem, and we're her only access to church since her parents don't attend anywhere. If it was a major issue, I would have a talk with her parents, but generally it's not a problem and she's welcome in our home.

But a few days before, Morgan had gotten grounded, and she had told Allie that she wouldn't be able to stay over that weekend, although she was still welcome to attend the youth event and church services with us. Allie was fine with this and understood, but apparently her mom assumed she would still be staying with us for the weekend. So after the ice skating, I picked the 3 kids up and dropped off first Allie's boyfriend, then Morgan, saving Allie for last because she lives just down the road from our neighborhood. 

On the way home, she had tried to call her mom multiple times to tell her she was on her way, but couldn't get an answer. I had mentioned several times while the kids were in the car that Nick and I were going to be alone overnight for the first time in over 5 years, and there was never any question that she would be going home. But when we got to her house, it was locked up tight as a drum, all the lights out. Allie doesn't have a key to the house, nor does she know the alarm code, and her parents turn off their phones when they go to bed (which it turns out is before 10:30 PM). After dozens of call and texts to both parents and 20 minutes or so of standing in the freezing cold while multiple doorbell rings as well as increasingly aggressive knocks on the door went completely unanswered, Allie even tried knocking on her brother's window to no avail. It was 24°F out there, people. Even had I been willing to leave her there to fend for herself if it had been warm (I wasn't), there was no way I could even think about driving off in any circumstances with it so cold. So I sent her to the car to warm up while I tried one more time to wake someone inside. I called Nick and told him what was going on so that he would be prepared (ie. not painting in his underwear when we got there), and drove her home with me.

Bless her heart, she stayed up most of the night cleaning and organizing Morgan's room while we worked (her idea, not ours!). I think she felt pretty bad about the whole thing, although of course I couldn't be mad at her. Her mom on the other hand, I was pretty put out with. Even if she had been supposed to spend the night with us (which she hadn't), what if there had been an emergency? What if she'd been in a car wreck or been injured ice skating? In my book it's pretty inexcusable to make it so that your kid can't reach you in an emergency, especially when you've not verified where they're going to be overnight! We got a text from her mom about 5:30 the next morning full of apologies, but of course by then it was too late.

It would be just our luck though that we worked so hard to get overnight care for all three of our kids and ended up having someone else's lol. The good news is that Jack did well overnight at his grandparents' house, and they expressed a willingness to keep him again sometime. So maybe we'll eventually get that night alone after all.

DD has been more or less MIA around here. In the last 2 years there have been 10 serious spankings. The last discipline of any sort was over 5 months ago. Not that I'm keeping some kind of tally, but I do post about it here every time it happens, and it's a little sad for me to look back and realize just how sparse it's been. I think it just leaves me feeling a little...untended. I know that right now we are extremely busy, and the DD dynamic is always the first thing to go. Or maybe not the dynamic, per se, because he's still the guy in charge, but it feels more like it's staying that way because I want it to rather than because he's enforcing it. And I guess that's really the way it should be. And it's not that I actually want a spanking. As long as it's been, I do still remember just how much they hurt. I think I just miss knowing that the boundaries are real and that they are solid and hurt to run into. Bah, this is stupid. I know it's a pot best left unstirred, and besides, all our "stirrers" are in storage. I think it's just the fact that I'm generally pretty well behaved and it's not something that's ever really discussed, or at least if I bring it up he just kind of nods in acknowledgement and basically refuses to contribute anything else to the conversation. It kind of makes the whole thing feel like a figment of my imagination. But I suppose 10 years into it there's not a whole lot about it we need to discuss. Meh. I won't be bringing it up.

What else? Daisy's stomach has been bothering her again, so I guess we will try seeing her doctor again. Tons of tests and visits last go round didn't turn anything up, but she's with a new pediatrician now, so maybe they can get to the bottom of it. Jack took a flying leap off Daisy's bed and smashed his poor little nose into Morgan's bed last week. It bled forEVER, and he had a bit of a bruise, but he doesn't seem to have broken it, and the bruise has more or less disappeared. 

Jack turned three last month (me sobbing quietly into a pile of tiny little baby clothes). We didn't have resources to do a party this year, but my parents gave us the money to take the 5 of us to Chuck E Cheese's, and it was the greatest experience of his young life. :)

Hmm, I think those are the highlights. Anyway, I'm off to do more housework!