I'm still here. It's been a busy spring and summer. Morgan had a very rough spring. She spent a grand total of 26 days in the hospital and had 2 major abdominal surgeries. She's had GI problems for years, and it turned out that she had a previously undiagnosed congenital malrotation that had to be repaired, so the first surgery (in March) was a laparotomy with a Ladd's procedure and an appendectomy. She had a second, 12 day long hospital stay resulting from complications a few days after she got home from the first surgery, and a second reparative surgery was scheduled for April. That one was a duodenojejunostomy. She's pretty well mended by now, but she had to go on homebound teaching for school because she missed everything from the last part of February on. So she's out of school, but we're still playing catch up with her work. 

She turned 16 in April, and earlier this month her Uncle Will bought her her first car (I know). So now she's on the hunt for a job and I'm basically going a little insane that she's only going to be a kid for a few more years. Jack starts kindergarten this fall too, so there's that. 

I've really been struggling the last little bit, fighting off depression. I emailed Nick tonight and told him this, and basically called a permanent end to DD. It hurt to do so, but it's really not been a thing for us for a long time. My need for it is as strong as it ever was, so for there to be this constant faint but not real hope that he might pick it up again has been so incredibly hard for me. I think that just knowing for sure that it's dead will maybe be easier on me. Frankly every time I've tried to bring it up (which has been a number of times lately), he's just kind of given me a blank stare, and it's like he has no intention of ever doing it again, but he doesn't want to take the responsibility of admitting it because then he's the bad guy who let me down. But there's no point in stringing me along. There's been no mention of it at all from him since that one time in January, and that really was because he was angry, not because he was trying to benefit me. And whatever, I get that it's not his thing and never was and he was only doing it for me. I just wish he would own it that he's abandoned this. The
whole "You wanted me to be in charge so let me decide when we do this" argument is kind of bs. It's a cop out. I just want some freaking closure so I can move on. I told him about the email, and I know he's read it, but he hasn't responded or even acknowledged it. He came to bed and barely said goodnight before he fell asleep, which leaves me feeling like even a conversation about it is too much of a hassle. And whatever, I don't want think about it anymore. I don't want to be like this anymore. I wish I could just turn it off forever, because this is never going to be anything but an unmet need for me, and I don't know what to do with it or how to make it go away. But I need at the very least for him to say, "Okay, you're right, we're done with it, I quit." Maybe if I hear it in words instead of just actions I can start to find peace with it. 

Thoughts on closets and convenience

Tuesday evening I got a spanking. I haven't talked about it here because I wasn't sure yet how to talk about it and say what I meant. I screwed up. I didn't mean to, but it happened. After juggling some things around with bills, I went to Walmart on Friday and spent about $240 on groceries and other necessities. We hadn't bought groceries in a while and we were out of almost everything, plus we've had a birthday party planned for this Saturday for Jack. When I got in the car and looked at the bank account I realized that we were actually going to end up about $18 short when the electric bill came out in a few days.

It was snowing pretty hard right then though, so I decided to go ahead and head home. The party is supposed to be dinosaur themed, and I had planned to make stuffed dinosaur tails for the kids as party favors and had purchased two large bags of stuffing for that purpose. So anyway, on Monday I took back the stuffing and deposited the money in the bank to cover what we had out. 

Tuesday when Nick came home we lay down on our bed for a few minutes since Morgan was graciously making dinner for me that night. I pulled up the bank account to make sure my deposit from the previous day had gone in and was shocked to see that we were showing over $200 overdrawn. I said a rather bad word, which got Nick's attention, and he asked me what was wrong. I was frantically scrolling through the transactions and realized with my stomach dropping that a $212 bill payment transaction I thought had already cleared before I went to Walmart in fact didn't clear until Monday night. My deposit covered that transaction, but now there wasn't enough to cover the electric bill, which was showing pending and causing the overdrawn total. The really terrifying thing was that it was just pending and and hadn't actually been paid yet, so not only were we looking at a fee when it processed, but the bank might actually decide to return it, possibly causing our power to be cut off. 

To say Nick was furious is an understatement. As I was desperately searching the transactions to see if it had somehow posted twice (it hadn't), Nick got up, and I heard the lock on our door snap into place. He told me to get up, and it was with a sense of amazement that I realized he was going to spank me. I hadn't been punished in over a year. The whole concept of domestic discipline has been much on my mind lately, perhaps because we reached our 13th anniversary with it on New Year's Eve, but every time I wanted to ask him about it I couldn't find the words or the nerve to do it. I assumed it was a thing of the past, and when I thought of it, it sat there in my heart like a small heavy thing with no way to remove it. 

It wasn't something that actually even occurred to me when I saw the bank balance, but I got to my feet without conscious thought and followed him into the closet. Our closet is very large, really big enough to be a decent small office, and our chest of implements sits under the window at the back of it. When I had thought about where things like this would take place in this house I assumed it would be the closet. It sits above the garage and puts two doors between us and the kids, so it's really the only place to go where they might not hear a spanking being given. He shut the closet door behind us, his belt in hand, folded over twice. He herded me back to the chest and I sat down on it to face him. 

There was a quick brutal lecture about paying more attention and being more careful and taking more responsibility, but I didn't have anything I could say in my defense other than I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, it was an accident. He told me to get up and turn around, then to bend over. I bent over and put my hands on the chest and lasted 10 licks before I couldn't stay still. He made me bend over again, and again I made it through 10. He told me I'd better turn back around and be grateful this was all I was getting, and he gave me 10 more. When it was over he left me there and went back to lie down on the bed. Sniffling and crying a bit, I followed him and crawled into bed with him, and we stayed there until dinner was ready. 

Since then he's not mentioned it. Thankfully, the electric bill was paid, although we were charged an overdraft fee, and the account is still overdrawn. I don't know where we will get the money to cover it. I'm praying about it, and I would appreciate it if you would too. 

I don't know exactly what this means for DD for us. The spanking hurt, a lot. My bottom is still  tender in a couple of spots. But I have carried it in my heart like a secret treasure. He loved me enough to do it. I'm genuinely upset that I screwed up and lost track and put us in this situation, but I am grateful that he chose this as the way to respond to the situation rather than silence and anger. The whole thing from discovery to spanking couldn't have been more than 10 minutes. Having a place to hand to administer the spanking in private even with kids in the house was a new experience for us. In the old house our bedroom had a huge open space in the front wall that overlooked the living room, so a punishment was something that might have to wait days or even weeks until we had the house to ourselves. Looking back, I think that maybe made discipline much more of a burden for him because it was something he had to remember and have on his radar for far longer than he wanted to have to worry about it. And frankly we didn't get all that much time alone - he didn't want to spend what time we did have on spanking. 

I wonder if it might be more convenient for him now, and if so, if it might be something he's more inclined to use in our marriage. I think it would be a good thing for me to be able have stress and attitude dealt with on an as needed basis. I've tried hard to be a better housekeeper here than I was at the old house, and I've done better I think, but there are times still that I need that reminder and refocus. Perhaps it was just too much of an investment before. Or perhaps this won't happen again for another year. Perhaps it won't happen again at all. I don't know. But it meets a deep need in me, and perhaps I can hope. 

Christmas

So I fell off posting in December. It's always a crazy busy month for me because of dealing with Christmas gifts. God showed up in so many ways for us last month. One of the biggest blessings was around the middle of the month. All three kids were sick, but especially Jack. Our pediatrician copay is $5, and I had figured out that we were going to have exactly that much available in the bank to cover it. Then a preauthorized payment came in a day early. I got enough money in the bank to cover it before it processed out, but because they knew about it before I made the deposit, they still charged $70 in fees, which put us $65 overdrawn. Not only did this take the copay money, but it meant that if we couldn't get enough to cover the shortage within a few days they would charge us another fee on top of it. I asked my Facebook friends to please lift us up for an unspoken prayer request, and I called the bank as soon as customer service opened. I explained the situation, and the agent was very nice and agreed to refund half the fee ($70), which was great, but it still left us $30 short and needing money for the doctor. I asked if a manager might be able to refund the rest, and he seemed doubtful, but agreed to get one on the line. Let me just tell you, that lady was an angel. She listened to this stressed out teary mama, and not only did she waive the other $35, but she went back on the account and waived every fee she could find, putting our account at a positive $110. I had gone to drop off some work for Morgan at school since she was home sick and made the call from the parking lot there. I sat in my car and cried over how above and beyond good to us God is. So I got to take all three kids to the doctor instead of just Jack, which turned out to be a very good thing since they all three had strep. 

The whole month God pulled us through bit by bit. I had 8 or 10 craft orders throughout the month that covered gas and groceries day by day. 

Grant and Kelly had their baby boy on the 9th of December, and I got to be in the room for it taking pictures, which is such a special thing for me. This is the third niece or nephew I've had the privilege of seeing born, and it's the best thing ever!

Christmas was very nice. Nick bought me a couple of pieces for my Willow Tree Nativity, a couple of pretty bras, and some makeup. I got him some duck decoys, a duck call, a few stocking stuffers, and I made him 4 custom t shirts, which were a big hit. The kids got pretty much everything they wanted, and life was good all around. 

Right now we are in a very hard place financially again, but I know God shines brightest in those situations, and I can't wait to see what He does to meet our needs again.