Finally a long weekend!

Hey guys. How's everything going? This have been hectic here. We went to Texas for the wedding last weekend, and it was great fun, although for what they spent on the wedding we could probably pay off our house, not to mention both cars and the bike. Oh well, not my life. Nick and Morgan did just fine on the plane, and even want to fly again. It sucked majorly to have to come back Sunday evening and then be back at work 13 hours later, but at least we have a long weekend now.

I got a freaking speeding ticket the other day. For going 45 in a 40! Seriously, that's not speeding. Unfortunately the cop didn't see it that way. Nick wasn't happy about it, but he didn't show any inclination to spank for it either, which to be honest, very much surprised me. Last time I got a speeding ticket he made me feel every dollar of the fine, but these things are up to him, so I guess that's how it is.

Last night my mom kept Morgan overnight. Nick and I went and had dinner and visited a couple of toy shops in search of a the Kama Sutra Love Oils and the Taffy Tickler so highly recommended by Grace and Eva. Sadly the Taffy Tickler was nowhere to be found, and although we finally found the Love Oils, it was a package deal of all the flavors, and the $45 price tag was a bit out of our budget this week. We did, however replace my much loved Hustler Cyberflick Egg Vibrator. We had a lovely evening breaking it in!

Now we're headed off to the cabin for Nick's family's annual Labor Day weekend fish fry. Have a great weekend!

Happy Hump Day!

All done

Well, I'm finally done being spanked for the whole car issue. Nick actually let me have a pass last night because my bottom was so tender. It was bruised from Saturday's paddling, and Sunday's left it pretty flaming red. But tonight he got the paddle back out and gave me my final 25 swats. Spankers, if you're looking for a good, inexpensive, relatively lightweight, yet very effective implement, the Cane-IAC Jr paddle is it. I can say with authority, it will get your point across. You can pick it up with or without holes, in maple or oak, or even in a very pretty pink for under $17.00. Plus, with Cane-IAC's new Dollars For Toys Program, the more you buy, the more you save. In fact, here in a few weeks when things settle down for us financially, Nick has given me permission to put my credit towards a pink one. They also have a very neat Misfit Toys section where you can purchase discontinued or slight imperfect (but still very high quality!) items at a discounted price. I've got my eye on a few goodies there too.

Speaking of finances, I would really appreciate it if those of you who pray could say a prayer for us. Back in November there was an incident where a neighbor girl stole a car and wrecked it in our front yard, totalling Nick's Suburban. When we went to court over it we won a judgement against her of $4100.00. She was supposed to get a job and send us (through the court) $400 a month. That was in January, and we've gotten all of $875. A few months ago her mom regained custody of her, and she moved to a nearby town and got a new job and a new parole officer. A couple of weeks ago Nick went to talk to our neighbor to see if he knew anything about why we're not getting the payments. This is the girl's uncle who, along with his wife (the girl's mom's sister) had custody of her at the time of the wreck. He called his mother-in-law (the girl's grandmother), and she said that they've sent about $900 in money orders payable to Nick to the courthouse in the town she now lives in, and they assumed they were being passed on.

So Nick has been trying to get in touch with the lady at the DA's office in our town for the last two weeks to find out where the money is, but he can't seem to get her to return his calls, and because the girl is a minor, they won't let us call her parole officer directly. $900 is a huge amount of money to us right now. Not only do we have to pay for my clutch, but the tires on his motorcycle (which he's had to ride every day since I've had his truck) are dangerously worn, plus we need to pay for Morgan's school books, and this trip to Texas is going to cost us some too. Despite Nick's sister's much appreciated generosity in paying for the plane tickets and hotel, we are still going to have to come up with money for a car rental as well as a wedding gift. We also have some family birthdays that have been put on the back burner. This last has been met with great understanding, but we still feel bad about not being able to come up with at least a small gift for each. On top of all of that, Nick is going to have to miss a day of work for the wedding, and our bills are all at the point where they need to be paid right now.

Anyway, I know that God has a plan and a provision for all this, and we would really appreciate your prayers.

Ouuuuch!

Oh my goodness was it awful last night! And I only got 26 swats, and they weren't even that hard. But my bottom was already very sore. When I went to the bathroom after it was over it literally hurt to pull my panties down. I'm not really looking forward to another one tonight. Hopefully the parts will be in tomorrow!

A Roaring Start

I've been getting spanked. Rather hard, actually. It seems that every time we make a fresh start with DD, so to speak, I manage to screw up right off the bat. I honestly don't mean to, but there you have it. This time it was about my car.

For about a month now the clutch in my car has been going bad. A week ago yesterday Nick told me it probably didn't need to be driven again. The next day he was going on a motorcycle ride with some friends after church, so we drove in separately. He left before Morgan and I did, and not really thinking about it, I hopped in my car. I got almost there before the clutch failed completely. Right in the middle of an intersection.

I managed to pray my way across the intersection and into the parking lot of a restaurant, where I called him in the middle of church. (Church was well started by this time as my car wouldn't get above 40 mph on the way to breaking down). So he had to come back on his bike, go all the way home and get his truck, then come get the two of us. He took us all back home and left for his bike ride, and Morgan and I took his truck back to church for the second service.

When he got home that night he took me to the garage and pulled out one of his awful ceiling fan blade paddles. Now to look at a ceiling fan blade, you wouldn't think it would be very sturdy. Actually you might think it would snap on the first swat. But you'd be sadly mistaken. (I was). These things HURT! I guess they're made from, I don't know, kryptonite or something, probably because they have to put up with the stress of being spun around rapidly for hours at a time, moving air around a room. They're also loud. It sounded like he was detonating m80s on my bottom. It kind of felt like that too.

Then he decided that he was going to spank me every night until the car gets fixed. Unfortunately this has been a crazy week, so honestly the first opportunity for the next spanking was last night. That meant that I got to get six days worth in one spanking. Fortunately when he spanks for several days for the same thing, he usually does somewhere between 20 and 50, so I wasn't looking at an hour's worth of paddling.

BUT, I also managed to upset him a bit at Target. I bought a few things. Really and truly not very much, only about $15 worth. But I didn't actually ask him (but to be fair, he was right there, and he didn't say no!). But anyway, this figured into the spanking also, and I ended up getting somewhere around 250 swats. Part of that was also because I moved. Oh, and he used the new Cane-IAC paddle, the one they so graciously sent us to replace the one we broke. Let me tell you, this paddle is EFFECTIVE! Um, I think it's become a favored replacement for him for his beloved fish paddle (which, by the way, is out of commission since the last spanking I posted about). He seems to have an affinity for maple. If you're looking for a good sturdy toy for a very reasonable price, I highly recommend this one!

Anyway, I'm sitting pretty tender right now, and since the parts to fix my car won't be in for another few days, I've got more to look forward to.

In other news, we will be getting on a plane to Texas this Friday to go to Nick's sister's wedding. I didn't think we would be able to attend, but she ended up paying for plane ticket's and hotel rooms for her whole immediate family so that we could all be there. Nick and Morgan have never flown, and it's been pre-9/11 since I have, so we're all a little nervous, but excited too.

Hope you guys have a great week!

A Clean Slate

Tonight we did some talking. Okay, last night I was feeling a little frustrated. He read the letter, he said he was going to make some changes, and then, well, nothing as far as I could tell. He hadn't even offered to take care of the long-promised spanking for who the heck knows what after three weeks or so.

I have a (very much vanilla) myspace account, and as most if you probably know, myspace has a place to list your mood. So, feeling a little blue, I listed mine as "not really too surprised." This did not go unnoticed. I had fallen asleep by the time he saw it, so he woke me up, or rather tried to. But I was too tired to make much sense of what he was saying, so he just dropped it for then.

But tonight we talked. He told me that he really wasn't sure what I wanted, because I wasn't doing anything he needed to spank me for. He told me he wanted some laundry done, so I did some laundry. I had dinner made, a pitcher of tea waiting, and the kitchen clean when he came home. Was he supposed to punish me for that? Okay, so I could see his point there, but what about the spanking he had already promised me? The conversation got to be kind of emotional on my part and frustrated on his, and finally he just dragged me in the house and grabbed the evil fish paddle.

It wasn't a long spanking, but it did rather settle me down. And after I'd had time to stop crying and rejoin him on the porch, he apologized for letting things go with the other spanking. And he told me that he's willing to try to make this work for me/us, and that we were starting with a clean slate. And I promised I'll try to tell him when I'm reaching a crisis point with my stress if he will also try to keep an eye out for it himself.

So that's where we are right now. It's a good place to start.

I SO want this!

Of course I'm still waiting on Nick to help me test our other Cane-IAC stuff. But how can I resist a PINK paddle!? And it's only $15.95!

Perhaps...

So Nick read my last post. And he said that he understands it and plans to make some changes, strengthen some boundaries, and set down a few more rules. So far he's not said anything or done anything more, but maybe things really will be somewhat different. Here's hoping!

A letter to my husband

My Darling Nick,


Hello, sugar. I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for starting a conversation last night and then jumping ship on it. You're right - it does happen every couple of months, and I've been thinking about why. The why is because I still have such a hard time asking you for this, and every couple of months Grace, or Eva, or PK, or somebody else so very much like me has a break-through conversation with her husband and inspires and emboldens me.

So I screw up my courage and try to put a name to the strange and urgent needs within me, and invariably words fail me as soon as I open my mouth.. You probably don't realize it, but every such conversation starts about 10 minutes before I open my mouth. It happens entirely inside my head, and it goes something like this:

"Will you SAY something already?! This has been on your mind for a week!"

"No! I never put things the right way, and I always end up feeling stupid."

"Well, you can't expect him to be a mind reader. If you need his help, you're going to have to tell him."

"But I don't want to be such a hassle for him. I know he loves me and will try whatever I ask, but I also know he'll hate it and feel put upon."

"You don't know that. And it's not fair of you to assume."

"This is going to require me to open me up. And even though it's not his fault, I always end up hurt when we talk about this. He sits there and lets me ramble on and barely responds at all."

"That's because this is not his thing. He can't help it that he's not quivering with joy at the prospect of another awkward conversation about DD. But that doesn't mean he doesn't want to meet your needs."

"I know, but it would just be easier all around to let it go."

"Ah, yes, easier. Then you can just internalize it again. That's really going to help."

Well..."

"Seriously! Just open your mouth and jump right in!"

And so I finally start to say something, and two sentences in I realize that the moment has passed. You're heading off to watch TV, or running to the store, or turning over to go to sleep, and I feel like the equivalent of a phone ringing just as you lock the door behind you.

This, I understand, is not your intention. Nor, to be clear, is it your fault. My timing is unfailingly poor, although this is mainly because I spend all the good moments trying to talk myself into stirring the pot.

It is my fear of being burdensome that leads me to make such statements as in my post a couple of weeks ago; my fear, groundless though you've proven it to be, of finally becoming too much trouble and responsibility for this priceless, cherished, and irreplaceable man I've been blessed with.

And so here, with written word, in the medium in which I am most comfortable and coherent, I'm trying yet again to voice these needs, to speak them more or less aloud, to just get the words out.

I need this from you. I need DD in all its incarnations. I need the spanking, yes, but so much more than that simple act. I need the boundaries, the discipline, the unbreakable walls propping up my frailties. I need lecturing, I need grounding, I need lines, I need the distinct possibility and sometimes reality of a punishment that will last beyond the first round. I need paddlings daily until I finish the task I've been given, time in the corner to think about the spanking I've just had and the fact that there will be more to come in ten minutes' time. I need discipline that gets dished out at the first opportunity, even if that takes arranging, not just discipline when it's convenient and often days past the offense.

But most of that seldom comes up. I try not to give you reason to punish. What I really need most of all is for you to keep your eyes open to spot the signs of my rising stress levels. I need to be made to take care of myself, to be set back on an even keel, to have some sense spanked into me when I start to obsess about my job, the bills, my maddening friends.

And if I can have the latter, I rarely need the former. If I can feel you in charge, know at all times that I can count on you being firm if I need it, then I don't find myself pushing against those boundaries, pulling out that same tired tendency to passive aggressiveness. I need to know that you really believe in your own authority.

So. That's it, I suppose, everything I've been trying to say when I can't seem to say anything at all. Except, well, I love you, and thank you.

Madly, desperately yours,

Tracy