I'm still here. It's been a busy spring and summer. Morgan had a very rough spring. She spent a grand total of 26 days in the hospital and had 2 major abdominal surgeries. She's had GI problems for years, and it turned out that she had a previously undiagnosed congenital malrotation that had to be repaired, so the first surgery (in March) was a laparotomy with a Ladd's procedure and an appendectomy. She had a second, 12 day long hospital stay resulting from complications a few days after she got home from the first surgery, and a second reparative surgery was scheduled for April. That one was a duodenojejunostomy. She's pretty well mended by now, but she had to go on homebound teaching for school because she missed everything from the last part of February on. So she's out of school, but we're still playing catch up with her work. 

She turned 16 in April, and earlier this month her Uncle Will bought her her first car (I know). So now she's on the hunt for a job and I'm basically going a little insane that she's only going to be a kid for a few more years. Jack starts kindergarten this fall too, so there's that. 

I've really been struggling the last little bit, fighting off depression. I emailed Nick tonight and told him this, and basically called a permanent end to DD. It hurt to do so, but it's really not been a thing for us for a long time. My need for it is as strong as it ever was, so for there to be this constant faint but not real hope that he might pick it up again has been so incredibly hard for me. I think that just knowing for sure that it's dead will maybe be easier on me. Frankly every time I've tried to bring it up (which has been a number of times lately), he's just kind of given me a blank stare, and it's like he has no intention of ever doing it again, but he doesn't want to take the responsibility of admitting it because then he's the bad guy who let me down. But there's no point in stringing me along. There's been no mention of it at all from him since that one time in January, and that really was because he was angry, not because he was trying to benefit me. And whatever, I get that it's not his thing and never was and he was only doing it for me. I just wish he would own it that he's abandoned this. The
whole "You wanted me to be in charge so let me decide when we do this" argument is kind of bs. It's a cop out. I just want some freaking closure so I can move on. I told him about the email, and I know he's read it, but he hasn't responded or even acknowledged it. He came to bed and barely said goodnight before he fell asleep, which leaves me feeling like even a conversation about it is too much of a hassle. And whatever, I don't want think about it anymore. I don't want to be like this anymore. I wish I could just turn it off forever, because this is never going to be anything but an unmet need for me, and I don't know what to do with it or how to make it go away. But I need at the very least for him to say, "Okay, you're right, we're done with it, I quit." Maybe if I hear it in words instead of just actions I can start to find peace with it.