Tonight we did some talking. Okay, last night I was feeling a little frustrated. He read the letter, he said he was going to make some changes, and then, well, nothing as far as I could tell. He hadn't even offered to take care of the long-promised spanking for who the heck knows what after three weeks or so.
I have a (very much vanilla) myspace account, and as most if you probably know, myspace has a place to list your mood. So, feeling a little blue, I listed mine as "not really too surprised." This did not go unnoticed. I had fallen asleep by the time he saw it, so he woke me up, or rather tried to. But I was too tired to make much sense of what he was saying, so he just dropped it for then.
But tonight we talked. He told me that he really wasn't sure what I wanted, because I wasn't doing anything he needed to spank me for. He told me he wanted some laundry done, so I did some laundry. I had dinner made, a pitcher of tea waiting, and the kitchen clean when he came home. Was he supposed to punish me for that? Okay, so I could see his point there, but what about the spanking he had already promised me? The conversation got to be kind of emotional on my part and frustrated on his, and finally he just dragged me in the house and grabbed the evil fish paddle.
It wasn't a long spanking, but it did rather settle me down. And after I'd had time to stop crying and rejoin him on the porch, he apologized for letting things go with the other spanking. And he told me that he's willing to try to make this work for me/us, and that we were starting with a clean slate. And I promised I'll try to tell him when I'm reaching a crisis point with my stress if he will also try to keep an eye out for it himself.
So that's where we are right now. It's a good place to start.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Friday, August 08, 2008
I SO want this!
Of course I'm still waiting on Nick to help me test our other Cane-IAC stuff. But how can I resist a PINK paddle!? And it's only $15.95! 
Perhaps...
So Nick read my last post. And he said that he understands it and plans to make some changes, strengthen some boundaries, and set down a few more rules. So far he's not said anything or done anything more, but maybe things really will be somewhat different. Here's hoping!
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
A letter to my husband
My Darling Nick,
Hello, sugar. I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for starting a conversation last night and then jumping ship on it. You're right - it does happen every couple of months, and I've been thinking about why. The why is because I still have such a hard time asking you for this, and every couple of months Grace, or Eva, or PK, or somebody else so very much like me has a break-through conversation with her husband and inspires and emboldens me.
So I screw up my courage and try to put a name to the strange and urgent needs within me, and invariably words fail me as soon as I open my mouth.. You probably don't realize it, but every such conversation starts about 10 minutes before I open my mouth. It happens entirely inside my head, and it goes something like this:
"Will you SAY something already?! This has been on your mind for a week!"
"No! I never put things the right way, and I always end up feeling stupid."
"Well, you can't expect him to be a mind reader. If you need his help, you're going to have to tell him."
"But I don't want to be such a hassle for him. I know he loves me and will try whatever I ask, but I also know he'll hate it and feel put upon."
"You don't know that. And it's not fair of you to assume."
"This is going to require me to open me up. And even though it's not his fault, I always end up hurt when we talk about this. He sits there and lets me ramble on and barely responds at all."
"That's because this is not his thing. He can't help it that he's not quivering with joy at the prospect of another awkward conversation about DD. But that doesn't mean he doesn't want to meet your needs."
"I know, but it would just be easier all around to let it go."
"Ah, yes, easier. Then you can just internalize it again. That's really going to help."
Well..."
"Seriously! Just open your mouth and jump right in!"
And so I finally start to say something, and two sentences in I realize that the moment has passed. You're heading off to watch TV, or running to the store, or turning over to go to sleep, and I feel like the equivalent of a phone ringing just as you lock the door behind you.
This, I understand, is not your intention. Nor, to be clear, is it your fault. My timing is unfailingly poor, although this is mainly because I spend all the good moments trying to talk myself into stirring the pot.
It is my fear of being burdensome that leads me to make such statements as in my post a couple of weeks ago; my fear, groundless though you've proven it to be, of finally becoming too much trouble and responsibility for this priceless, cherished, and irreplaceable man I've been blessed with.
And so here, with written word, in the medium in which I am most comfortable and coherent, I'm trying yet again to voice these needs, to speak them more or less aloud, to just get the words out.
I need this from you. I need DD in all its incarnations. I need the spanking, yes, but so much more than that simple act. I need the boundaries, the discipline, the unbreakable walls propping up my frailties. I need lecturing, I need grounding, I need lines, I need the distinct possibility and sometimes reality of a punishment that will last beyond the first round. I need paddlings daily until I finish the task I've been given, time in the corner to think about the spanking I've just had and the fact that there will be more to come in ten minutes' time. I need discipline that gets dished out at the first opportunity, even if that takes arranging, not just discipline when it's convenient and often days past the offense.
But most of that seldom comes up. I try not to give you reason to punish. What I really need most of all is for you to keep your eyes open to spot the signs of my rising stress levels. I need to be made to take care of myself, to be set back on an even keel, to have some sense spanked into me when I start to obsess about my job, the bills, my maddening friends.
And if I can have the latter, I rarely need the former. If I can feel you in charge, know at all times that I can count on you being firm if I need it, then I don't find myself pushing against those boundaries, pulling out that same tired tendency to passive aggressiveness. I need to know that you really believe in your own authority.
So. That's it, I suppose, everything I've been trying to say when I can't seem to say anything at all. Except, well, I love you, and thank you.
Madly, desperately yours,
Tracy
Hello, sugar. I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for starting a conversation last night and then jumping ship on it. You're right - it does happen every couple of months, and I've been thinking about why. The why is because I still have such a hard time asking you for this, and every couple of months Grace, or Eva, or PK, or somebody else so very much like me has a break-through conversation with her husband and inspires and emboldens me.
So I screw up my courage and try to put a name to the strange and urgent needs within me, and invariably words fail me as soon as I open my mouth.. You probably don't realize it, but every such conversation starts about 10 minutes before I open my mouth. It happens entirely inside my head, and it goes something like this:
"Will you SAY something already?! This has been on your mind for a week!"
"No! I never put things the right way, and I always end up feeling stupid."
"Well, you can't expect him to be a mind reader. If you need his help, you're going to have to tell him."
"But I don't want to be such a hassle for him. I know he loves me and will try whatever I ask, but I also know he'll hate it and feel put upon."
"You don't know that. And it's not fair of you to assume."
"This is going to require me to open me up. And even though it's not his fault, I always end up hurt when we talk about this. He sits there and lets me ramble on and barely responds at all."
"That's because this is not his thing. He can't help it that he's not quivering with joy at the prospect of another awkward conversation about DD. But that doesn't mean he doesn't want to meet your needs."
"I know, but it would just be easier all around to let it go."
"Ah, yes, easier. Then you can just internalize it again. That's really going to help."
Well..."
"Seriously! Just open your mouth and jump right in!"
And so I finally start to say something, and two sentences in I realize that the moment has passed. You're heading off to watch TV, or running to the store, or turning over to go to sleep, and I feel like the equivalent of a phone ringing just as you lock the door behind you.
This, I understand, is not your intention. Nor, to be clear, is it your fault. My timing is unfailingly poor, although this is mainly because I spend all the good moments trying to talk myself into stirring the pot.
It is my fear of being burdensome that leads me to make such statements as in my post a couple of weeks ago; my fear, groundless though you've proven it to be, of finally becoming too much trouble and responsibility for this priceless, cherished, and irreplaceable man I've been blessed with.
And so here, with written word, in the medium in which I am most comfortable and coherent, I'm trying yet again to voice these needs, to speak them more or less aloud, to just get the words out.
I need this from you. I need DD in all its incarnations. I need the spanking, yes, but so much more than that simple act. I need the boundaries, the discipline, the unbreakable walls propping up my frailties. I need lecturing, I need grounding, I need lines, I need the distinct possibility and sometimes reality of a punishment that will last beyond the first round. I need paddlings daily until I finish the task I've been given, time in the corner to think about the spanking I've just had and the fact that there will be more to come in ten minutes' time. I need discipline that gets dished out at the first opportunity, even if that takes arranging, not just discipline when it's convenient and often days past the offense.
But most of that seldom comes up. I try not to give you reason to punish. What I really need most of all is for you to keep your eyes open to spot the signs of my rising stress levels. I need to be made to take care of myself, to be set back on an even keel, to have some sense spanked into me when I start to obsess about my job, the bills, my maddening friends.
And if I can have the latter, I rarely need the former. If I can feel you in charge, know at all times that I can count on you being firm if I need it, then I don't find myself pushing against those boundaries, pulling out that same tired tendency to passive aggressiveness. I need to know that you really believe in your own authority.
So. That's it, I suppose, everything I've been trying to say when I can't seem to say anything at all. Except, well, I love you, and thank you.
Madly, desperately yours,
Tracy
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Disappointing news
So I didn't get the job. Actually I applied for two positions, and I didn't get either of them. And while I'm disappointed, I'm kind of frustrated too. The main position was a supervisor spot. And I know that I really would do well in that job and I felt like I had a good shot at it, but I didn't really feel like it was a sure thing. However, the second position I really expected to get. In fact, I almost didn't apply for it, because I was kind of afraid that they might give someone else the supervisor job because I would be so perfect for the other position. The second position is kind of a quasi-supervisor job with a heavy emphasis on new employee training, something I really enjoy and am actually quite good at. There will also be some work doing customer account resolutions, something else I also help out with now.
Actually, I've assisted with training for years, and they've always been happy with my results. A lot of the other duties are also things I currently assist with too. Add to that, my quality and efficiency scores exceed the department guidelines, and I've been with the company (and the department) for almost nine years.
There were two of these secondary positions available, so I was pretty surprised when they went to two people who have been with the company for only three years, one of whom is outspokenly vocal in his criticism of the company (although apparently this never filtered up to management's ears).
Now please understand that I'm not trying to be conceited when I say that I'm more qualified than either of these gentlemen. They are, in fact, decent employees (other than the company-bashing), but neither of them have been trained on the things that the job requires and that I've been doing well for longer than they've worked there. Had the jobs gone to someone with more time and training in, I would have still been disappointed, but I wouldn't have felt like they made a bad decision. They didn't have to pick me - just somebody qualified!
To add insult to injury, my entire next month will be devoted to helping out with the customer resolutions at my current wage, a responsibility they're happy to give me, just not one they're willing to pay me for. Oh yes, and because of this incident, I'm not eligible to apply for jobs outside the department for another 27 days.
Anyway, I went to one of the people who interviewed me, and asked him if he could give me some advice, any suggestions he had for what I can do to improve my chances for future advancement. He had a list of very specific suggestions. Unfortunately, they were all things I'm already doing. He also said that the aforementioned incident wasn't a factor, especially since I've never been written up before in the almost nine years I've been there. So I'm pretty frustrated right now, more than a bit burned out.
Anyway, I know this wasn't a very fun post. I've managed to piss Nick off enough over the house in the last week that there will be a spanking to tell about probably in the next few days, although he's been kind enough to give me some time to me get past my work issues.
Okay, okay, I've gotta post something light, so here are a couple of pictures I took of handlebar tassels when I went to a bike shop with Nick a few days ago. Anybody else see the potential?
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Yada, yada, yada
Okay, so I've not been on here much lately. And that's mostly because I've not had anything to post. I mean, this is a spanking blog, right? You guys want to hear all about spankings and lectures and toys and such. Surely you're waiting to hear all about the new Cane-IAC stuff. But here's the honest, unexciting, and perhaps disappointing truth: there is just none of that happening around here. And even worse, I'm pretty okay with that.
What? No spanking and I don't care? What's wrong with me? Surely this is not the same AngelBrat of the last three years?
I guess we're just going through a dry period. And I know I'm not the only one who's been through this. Eva and Grace have been there, I know, and lots of others too. I just don't want it right now. Part of me (that part that wrote the last post) thinks that I really just need a good one to hit my reset button, but when I sit down and think about the actual reality of getting spanked, I just think about how much it hurts, and what a problem it is to find time and privacy, and how big of a hassle I always feel like it is for Nick.
Now the sex lately has been great. We've been having more sex than usual even. And perhaps that's because of this post. Maybe Nick feels more inclined to climb in bed with me knowing that I'm not expecting him to spank me every time he does. Anyway, so that's what's going on (or rather not going on) on the spanking front.
As for the rest of my life, let's see. We're all flying to Texas for Nick's sister Kate's wedding next month. Nick and Morgan have never been on a plane, and it will be my first time since long before 9/11, so we're all a little nervous. But I think it will be fun.
I interviewed for a supervisor position at work a few days ago. This particular position very, very rarely comes open, and I know that I would be great at it, but I'm so trying not to get my hopes up. In fact I almost didn't tell anyone I was applying. Anyway, it will be a few weeks before they make a decision.
Other than that, life has been pretty average lately. I hope you guys have a great week!
What? No spanking and I don't care? What's wrong with me? Surely this is not the same AngelBrat of the last three years?
I guess we're just going through a dry period. And I know I'm not the only one who's been through this. Eva and Grace have been there, I know, and lots of others too. I just don't want it right now. Part of me (that part that wrote the last post) thinks that I really just need a good one to hit my reset button, but when I sit down and think about the actual reality of getting spanked, I just think about how much it hurts, and what a problem it is to find time and privacy, and how big of a hassle I always feel like it is for Nick.
Now the sex lately has been great. We've been having more sex than usual even. And perhaps that's because of this post. Maybe Nick feels more inclined to climb in bed with me knowing that I'm not expecting him to spank me every time he does. Anyway, so that's what's going on (or rather not going on) on the spanking front.
As for the rest of my life, let's see. We're all flying to Texas for Nick's sister Kate's wedding next month. Nick and Morgan have never been on a plane, and it will be my first time since long before 9/11, so we're all a little nervous. But I think it will be fun.
I interviewed for a supervisor position at work a few days ago. This particular position very, very rarely comes open, and I know that I would be great at it, but I'm so trying not to get my hopes up. In fact I almost didn't tell anyone I was applying. Anyway, it will be a few weeks before they make a decision.
Other than that, life has been pretty average lately. I hope you guys have a great week!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
A meme and a sigh...
The meme is from Eva, because I thought it looked fun. The sigh is because there's just not been much to post about here lately. Let me be the first to say, Nick has offered. It just hasn't been when I could handle it. I want and need a spanking, but I don't need to play right now, and that was the atmosphere. That said, I don't need an awful, can't-sit-for-two-days butt burner either. I guess I don't know what I need. Something along the lines of a stressbuster/straighten-up-and-fly-straight/attention getter. But I can't express that, because, well, I just can't. So if it's going to happen, he's just going to have to jerk me up and do it. Urrrgggg! I suck.
1. Where is your cell phone? ………….. kitchen
2. Your significant other?………...…….. amazing
3. Your hair? …………………………….. highlighted
4. Your mother? …………… ……….. loving
5. Your father?……………… …………….. protective
6. Your favorite thing?…………………….. family
7. Your dream last night?…………….. forgotten
8. Your favorite drink? …… ……….. tea
9. Your dream/goal?…………….. SAHM
10. The room you’re in?………………….. bedroom
11. Your ex?……………… ………….. forgotten
12. Your fear?…………… ………….. loss
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years?….. SAHM
14. Where were you last night?………….. parents'
15. What you’re not?……………………….. perfect
16. Muffins?…………………………………….. yummy
17. One of your wish list items?……….. Liberator
18. Where you grew up?………………….. here
19. The last thing you did?………………….. blog
20. What are you wearing?……………….. shirt
21. Your TV?………………………………….. on
22. Your pets?………………………………….. chihuahua
23. Your computer? ……………………….. laptop
24. Your life?………………………………….. blessed
25. Your mood?……………………………….. tired
26. Missing someone?……………………….. yes
27. Your car?………………………………….. Xterra
28. Something you’re not wearing?…….. pants
29. Favorite Store?………………………….. Target
30. Your summer?……………………….. hot
31. Like(love) someone?……………….. madly
32. Your favorite color?……………………. pink
33. Last time you laughed?………….. earlier
34. Last time you cried?………………….. Wednesday
35. Who will re-post this?……………….. someone
1. Where is your cell phone? ………….. kitchen
2. Your significant other?………...…….. amazing
3. Your hair? …………………………….. highlighted
4. Your mother? …………… ……….. loving
5. Your father?……………… …………….. protective
6. Your favorite thing?…………………….. family
7. Your dream last night?…………….. forgotten
8. Your favorite drink? …… ……….. tea
9. Your dream/goal?…………….. SAHM
10. The room you’re in?………………….. bedroom
11. Your ex?……………… ………….. forgotten
12. Your fear?…………… ………….. loss
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years?….. SAHM
14. Where were you last night?………….. parents'
15. What you’re not?……………………….. perfect
16. Muffins?…………………………………….. yummy
17. One of your wish list items?……….. Liberator
18. Where you grew up?………………….. here
19. The last thing you did?………………….. blog
20. What are you wearing?……………….. shirt
21. Your TV?………………………………….. on
22. Your pets?………………………………….. chihuahua
23. Your computer? ……………………….. laptop
24. Your life?………………………………….. blessed
25. Your mood?……………………………….. tired
26. Missing someone?……………………….. yes
27. Your car?………………………………….. Xterra
28. Something you’re not wearing?…….. pants
29. Favorite Store?………………………….. Target
30. Your summer?……………………….. hot
31. Like(love) someone?……………….. madly
32. Your favorite color?……………………. pink
33. Last time you laughed?………….. earlier
34. Last time you cried?………………….. Wednesday
35. Who will re-post this?……………….. someone
Friday, July 11, 2008
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Busy Life...
Hey, guys. Sorry for the long silence here. Life has just been crazy busy lately. Our vacation was great, beautiful weather. I have a few new toys to show you, although we've had zero time to try any of them out. I got this one while we were on vacation. It's more novelty than anything, because it's not very sturdy, but I thought it was cute:
Their new paddles have cool new rubber grip handles that Nick really loves, as well as very cool new tags that you can put on your key chain if you'd like. I can't wait to try these out, and I just want to say again how highly I recommend this company!
Nick found this down by the lake at the cabin and immediately saw the possibilities: 
Then I got this sticker when I went to a bike shop with Nick the other day:
But my very favorite new toys were waiting on me when we got back from the cabin - my new stuff from Cane-IAC! They sent me a new rattan cane (top), and well as a nylon cane (bottom) so that we can um, explore the finer differences between the two:
And they replaced our broken 1/4 inch paddle with a brand new 1/2 inch version. This one won't be cracking!
Their new paddles have cool new rubber grip handles that Nick really loves, as well as very cool new tags that you can put on your key chain if you'd like. I can't wait to try these out, and I just want to say again how highly I recommend this company!
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Vacation Time!
Nick and I are on vacation starting today. We'll be heading (along with Morgan of course) up to his grandparents' cabin on the lake for the week. We spent our honeymoon there, and we always go back in June. Our 10th anniversary is this coming Thursday. Hopefully I'll have our new Cane-IAC stuff by the time we get back and can update you all on the finer points of the difference between nylon and rattan WEG. You guys have a great week!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Happy Father's Day!
To all the wonderful father's out there, and most especially to the father who got up in the middle of the night to clean the bedroom carpet, the bathroom floor, and the toilet, and do a load of laundry while I took care of our sick seven year old last night - you humble me with your dedication.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Oops...
So it turns out that it was not, in fact, a nylon Ever Ready that Nick broke on my butt. It was actually a rattan Ever Ready. Me being such a cane novice, and the rattan being so nicely finished, I couldn't tell the difference. I got a rather shocked and impressed email from the Cane Master at Cane-IAC, and after I sent him some pictures, he was able to see that what I had was rattan. Nobody has ever reported that they've broken one of their nylon canes, and apparently I'm one of the very few who has managed to do it with a spanking new (hehe) rattan one. Anyway, he is very kindly sending me not only a replacement for the Rattan Ever Ready, but a Nylon Ever Ready too, so that Nick and I can ahem, study the differences between the two. He's also sending a 1/2 inch oak paddle to replace the 1/4 inch one that we broke. I just want to say again how incredibly awesome Cane-IAC has been to do business with, and I recommend them highly! Some of the products you see on their site (like the Patty Paddles) are the actual items you are purchasing, so you don't ever have to worry that you won't like the grain on the paddle or the handle on the cane you order - what you see is what you get, and that's a good thing. And there's always something new to see, because as they sell stock, new stuff gets added. Nick is pretty excited about the new stuff we have on the way, and dare I say...challenged. LOL! Happy spanking, guys...
Monday, June 09, 2008
Owwwwwwwwww
I got paddled pretty freakin' hard tonight. I got myself in a little bit of trouble with the totally awesome, totally professional, now totally off-limits Silver Jewelry Club. Like $133 worth of trouble. And that unfortunately led to a discussion about my great relationship with the Avon lady. And then that led to Nick telling me to total up my overspending, because it was going to be "discussed."
And so, in the spirit of honesty, I got the checkbook out, went back a month, and totalled up everything unnecessary that I'd bought. And was rather stunned. It turns out that the jewelry was the tip of the iceberg. A $497 iceberg. So when we both got home from work, I got Morgan down for a nap, and Nick took me upstairs to paddle me.
He got out Jokari, bent me over the corner of the bed, and went to work. The corner of the bed is a new position for us, but an effective one. Recently we got a new bed, and, just as a lark, stacked both the old and new mattresses. Then we realized just how many advantages there were to having a bed at that height (use your imaginations, folks), and we left it. This is the first time we've used it for spanking, and it was very...operational. All of our spanking implements are in a big wooden chest at the end of the bed, so I was blocked by Nick on my right, the chest on my left, the bed in front of me, and well, a big mean paddle behind me. If staying in place wasn't any easier, moving at least was pretty much impossible.
He gave me one swat for every dollar spent. Then, when I'd settled a bit, we climbed into bed and I showed him what a good girl I could be, now that I was properly punished. Then he got out the Cane-IAC stuff - and managed to break two of the pieces! He actually broke the wide oak paddle on the first whack, although the other two oak paddles held up well. Then he broke the nylon Ever Ready cane at the handle. But I'm going to send them both in for replacements. Cane-IAC has a wonderful satisfaction guarantee, and Nick definitely wants them in his arsenal.
Then, he picked up the Patty Paddle. Holy Crap! I got spanked HARD with that one, harder even than with Jokari. He bent me over for 25 very, very hard swats. This may be his new favorite. I know that it's now the paddle I'm most afraid of.
Anyway, now I'm very, very, very sore, and very, very, very well cared for. I feel level again.
And so, in the spirit of honesty, I got the checkbook out, went back a month, and totalled up everything unnecessary that I'd bought. And was rather stunned. It turns out that the jewelry was the tip of the iceberg. A $497 iceberg. So when we both got home from work, I got Morgan down for a nap, and Nick took me upstairs to paddle me.
He got out Jokari, bent me over the corner of the bed, and went to work. The corner of the bed is a new position for us, but an effective one. Recently we got a new bed, and, just as a lark, stacked both the old and new mattresses. Then we realized just how many advantages there were to having a bed at that height (use your imaginations, folks), and we left it. This is the first time we've used it for spanking, and it was very...operational. All of our spanking implements are in a big wooden chest at the end of the bed, so I was blocked by Nick on my right, the chest on my left, the bed in front of me, and well, a big mean paddle behind me. If staying in place wasn't any easier, moving at least was pretty much impossible.
He gave me one swat for every dollar spent. Then, when I'd settled a bit, we climbed into bed and I showed him what a good girl I could be, now that I was properly punished. Then he got out the Cane-IAC stuff - and managed to break two of the pieces! He actually broke the wide oak paddle on the first whack, although the other two oak paddles held up well. Then he broke the nylon Ever Ready cane at the handle. But I'm going to send them both in for replacements. Cane-IAC has a wonderful satisfaction guarantee, and Nick definitely wants them in his arsenal.
Then, he picked up the Patty Paddle. Holy Crap! I got spanked HARD with that one, harder even than with Jokari. He bent me over for 25 very, very hard swats. This may be his new favorite. I know that it's now the paddle I'm most afraid of.
Anyway, now I'm very, very, very sore, and very, very, very well cared for. I feel level again.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
A nice weekend
Yesterday and today was this year's marriage conference at our church. It was a really great experience, and I very much enjoyed this time with my husband. Last night we had a talk about the role spanking plays in our marriage, and I think I've finally gotten a pretty good handle on what my needs are in that regard. The other night Nick got out some of our Cane-IAC stuff and we played around for a bit with it. Everything was wonderful, but I just wasn't much in the mood to play, and we didn't go very far with it. Since then I've really been thinking about it, and I've realized that more often than not, spanking during sex is not really what I want and need.
Now this is not me announcing that I'm no longer a spanko, because that's definitely not the case. I've just finally come to grasp that spanking for me primarily meets a deep need for safety and discipline. And while nothing gets me going like the thought of being spanked, when it's not actually addressing an issue (whether punishment, warning, or just plain stress management), it kind of...trivializes it. I don't know if that's really the best way to put it, but it's like I need it to be a situation where he's meeting an actual need of mine, not just smacking my butt, for it to be fulfilling for me.
That doesn't mean that I don't sometimes love to be spanked in bed - I do. I guess I just need for it to have context. The best sexual spankings I've ever gotten have been after hard punishment spankings, when I'm feeling safe and loved and taken care of and feel the second spanking as a continuation of the first, with all the guilt feelings dealt with and out of the way.
I think I managed to communicate this to Nick, hopefully better than I seemed to have conveyed it here, and I think it was a generative conversation. Anyway, that's just the way I feel, the rest of you can feel free to have all the fun, sexy, context-free spankings you want.
As for me, I think (hope maybe) there will be something a bit more serious in my near future.
Now this is not me announcing that I'm no longer a spanko, because that's definitely not the case. I've just finally come to grasp that spanking for me primarily meets a deep need for safety and discipline. And while nothing gets me going like the thought of being spanked, when it's not actually addressing an issue (whether punishment, warning, or just plain stress management), it kind of...trivializes it. I don't know if that's really the best way to put it, but it's like I need it to be a situation where he's meeting an actual need of mine, not just smacking my butt, for it to be fulfilling for me.
That doesn't mean that I don't sometimes love to be spanked in bed - I do. I guess I just need for it to have context. The best sexual spankings I've ever gotten have been after hard punishment spankings, when I'm feeling safe and loved and taken care of and feel the second spanking as a continuation of the first, with all the guilt feelings dealt with and out of the way.
I think I managed to communicate this to Nick, hopefully better than I seemed to have conveyed it here, and I think it was a generative conversation. Anyway, that's just the way I feel, the rest of you can feel free to have all the fun, sexy, context-free spankings you want.
As for me, I think (hope maybe) there will be something a bit more serious in my near future. In the cool new stuff category, Nick bought me this very cool shirt at the marriage conference.
And I've totally fallen in love with and highly recommend this website. I got my first orders today, and I'm very impressed! A friend emailed me the link, and I thought, well that's just too good to be true. But I did some research, and everything pointed to a very legitimate company. So with Nick's okay, I took a chance, and I was very pleased! I will definitely be a repeat customer!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Eh...
So right now I'm trying to pull myself out of a pointless funk. Nothing tragic has happened or anything, I'm just feeling low. I've been doing laundry for days, but I can't seem to get on top of things with the house, and work has proven especially frustrating lately. The other night Nick pulled out some of our Cane-IAC stuff and gave it a try, although it didn't go very far. I'm talking literally one whack with each. That's not to say that it was Nick's fault. I just didn't feel up to playing.
Here's the rub. I need to be spanked. I might even deserve to be spanked. I've shown a stellar lack of motivation lately, and I've been shopping more than I should have (probably more than Nick knows). But I can't ask for it right now. Asking for it would negate it, because what I need right now is discipline, not good girls or even stressbusters, and I need for it to be discipline that I don't have a choice in. I guess I need for him to notice that my priorities have gotten out of whack and that I've not been feeling my boundaries, and to
Monday, May 26, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Bleh
Sorry I've not been on here more, guys. It's been a busy few weeks, and I've just felt kind of, well, as the title says - bleh. I'm just running low on patience with life in general, work, bills, the constant boundary pushing Morgan seems to be engaging in, and, of course...laundry.
Seriously, how does it happen? I work my butt off to get it all done, then I turn around and next thing I know it's taking over the bedroom.
Nick has been more than patient with me, but I guess what I need is maybe less of that. I know I need to be spanked, would feel better for it, but right now I just don't want it (I know - crazy, right?). We've got a bunch of new toys that haven't even been waved at me, and I know that almost any one of them would do the trick. I just can't bring myself to try to make it happen. With me, the longer I go without being spanked, the less I seem to need it on the surface, although the lack tends to manifest itself in my general outlook.
Anyway...bleh.
Seriously, how does it happen? I work my butt off to get it all done, then I turn around and next thing I know it's taking over the bedroom.
Nick has been more than patient with me, but I guess what I need is maybe less of that. I know I need to be spanked, would feel better for it, but right now I just don't want it (I know - crazy, right?). We've got a bunch of new toys that haven't even been waved at me, and I know that almost any one of them would do the trick. I just can't bring myself to try to make it happen. With me, the longer I go without being spanked, the less I seem to need it on the surface, although the lack tends to manifest itself in my general outlook.
Anyway...bleh.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Mail Order Intimidation
I got my Cane-IAC order today! What a package! The paddles are everything I hoped for and more, but even better, the Cane Master and Mistress had included a few unexpected freebies for us to try! First of all was a very cool leather riding crop, which I actually knew about because their May special is that one comes free with every order over $35. Also, they sent me a Delrin Ever Ready Cane, a Delrin Cane 5 strand MR OTK (scary stuff, that one!) and a gorgeous green blindfold scarf! Part of the Oak Paddle Value Set was a 5 strand rattan Mr OTK, and it looks like it's going to be a lot of fun! For service and quality, not to mention price, I'd recommend Cane-IAC to everyone!
I also got a chance to finally experience my recently purchased yellow silicone spatulas. That's right - I got spanked! And it wasn't even about the laundry! (Although that may be looming). Nope, it was a good girl spanking,. and it was very, very good. Put me right to sleep! Yum!
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Should I be nervous?
Maybe, but I'm actually quite excited! A couple of days ago Nick let me place an order from Cane-IAC as a Mother's Day gift, and I can't wait till it gets here! I've ordered a Patty Paddle and an Oak Wooden Paddle Set. The prices are extremely reasonable, and I couldn't have had better communication with the owners so far. I'm off to do some laundry!
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Blessings
Whew! It seems like ages since I've had a chance to sit down and really post! Let's see, what's been happening in my life? Well, about a week and a half ago, the day before Nick's and Morgan's birthday, I called Nick while he was at work, and he said, "I have some news." Okay, he didn't say good news, so I'm thinking, okay, what now?
"Well, you know how my raise was supposed to be on this paycheck? It's not going to be." Okay, this was cause for minor panic, because this was the birthday shopping paycheck, but I just kept listening. "It's not going to be on this paycheck, because it's going to be on the next one, and it's not going to be what I was expecting - it's going to be more!"
Yippee! They went through and re-evaluated everybody in the shop and gave everybody more money, Nick included. So his raise went from 12% to 21%, just like that! So, while I had to do some juggling because it wasn't on the check I was expecting, obviously this is much better in the long run! Also, I got a raise myself the other day (much smaller, but a raise nonetheless), and it will also show up on this check.
In other news, Nick bought a motorcycle a couple of days ago. This was a mixed emotion decision for me. I'm awfully worried that he'll get hurt on it, but it's something he's always wanted, and his raise will more than cover it. I just have to leave him in God's hands and trust Him to take care of him. Money-wise it will pay for itself. Right now it costs us about $15 a day for him to drive his truck to work and back. Riding the bike will cut that by about 80%.
Right now it's just sitting, because he has to get a whole laundry list of things before he can ride: insurance, a helmet, a jacket, a license, a tag, not to mention take a motorcycle safety course he promised me he would sign up for before getting his license. It's driving him nuts to have to leave it sitting, but he's being relatively patient.
As for spanking, there's been pretty much zero going on. We've had good intentions, but life has intervened lately. It's definitely on the list though!
"Well, you know how my raise was supposed to be on this paycheck? It's not going to be." Okay, this was cause for minor panic, because this was the birthday shopping paycheck, but I just kept listening. "It's not going to be on this paycheck, because it's going to be on the next one, and it's not going to be what I was expecting - it's going to be more!"
Yippee! They went through and re-evaluated everybody in the shop and gave everybody more money, Nick included. So his raise went from 12% to 21%, just like that! So, while I had to do some juggling because it wasn't on the check I was expecting, obviously this is much better in the long run! Also, I got a raise myself the other day (much smaller, but a raise nonetheless), and it will also show up on this check.
In other news, Nick bought a motorcycle a couple of days ago. This was a mixed emotion decision for me. I'm awfully worried that he'll get hurt on it, but it's something he's always wanted, and his raise will more than cover it. I just have to leave him in God's hands and trust Him to take care of him. Money-wise it will pay for itself. Right now it costs us about $15 a day for him to drive his truck to work and back. Riding the bike will cut that by about 80%.
Right now it's just sitting, because he has to get a whole laundry list of things before he can ride: insurance, a helmet, a jacket, a license, a tag, not to mention take a motorcycle safety course he promised me he would sign up for before getting his license. It's driving him nuts to have to leave it sitting, but he's being relatively patient.
As for spanking, there's been pretty much zero going on. We've had good intentions, but life has intervened lately. It's definitely on the list though!
Friday, May 02, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
I've got a fever, and the only cure is...
...more spatulas! Actually, I suppose what I have can be better described as Bethie-itis: I have waaaay too many toys, but my greedy bottom can't resist a couple of cheap implements like these, especially when they're made of my favorite play material - silicone! And appropriately of course, I found them on Bethie's blog. Bethie finds the BEST toys at the BEST deals, and I knew I had to have these. I got them for a mere $6.99 each, and I can't wait to really try them out. Nick gave me a few test whacks with the bottom one, and I was very impressed! Thanks, Bethie!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Happy Birthday!!!
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