The Week So Far

Whew! I can't believe it's already Thursday! Tuesday we went grocery shopping, and Nick bought me a couple of gifts. Our 11th anniversary is tomorrow, but he couldn't wait to give them to me! First of all he got me a wallet that I really wanted. It looks a lot like this, but solid green instead of patterned.

AND...he bought me a new iPod Nano! Obviously this was my big gift, and very unexpected. He bought me the first generation Nano for Mother's Day a few years ago when they came out, and I loved it, but it was only a 2 GB, which holds about 450-500 songs. Because I always had a bunch of Disney type stuff on there for Morgan to listen to in the car, I never had room for all the stuff I wanted. This one is an 8 GB, so I have plenty of room, plus I got to give my old one to Morgan to keep (which she was thrilled with)! AND it's pink!

Yesterday we went to San Antonio and got to see the Alamo. That was really neat, just being there where so much history took place. Then we stopped at an outlet mall on the way back and I got Nick a wallet that he really loved and a pair of shoes he really wanted as my anniversary gifts to him. Today is Kate's birthday, so we got up and fixed breakfast for her, and we'll all be going out to eat later on. Tomorrow the plan is to leave Morgan with his sisters so that we can enjoy an anniversary dinner out by ourselves.

I really appreciate all the comments and advice on just talking to him. Unfortunately there's just not been an opening. Honestly there's just no way to bring it up, and I don't want to bother him with it in our vacation.

 

It's weird, because I can talk to him about anything else in the world, and it's not like this is an entirely new topic for us, but I just can't broach the subject with him. I guess I feel like I've posted about it here so many times (many of them recently) and had so many conversations about it with him in the past, not to mention written him so many letters and emails about it that he knows what I need - if he doesn't respond to that, then he just doesn't want to, and I'd rather live with the need unmet than bring it up and cause stress between us with no good in the end. It just seems like bringing it up again is beating a dead horse. I love my husband madly, and we have a great marriage - if the DD thing doesn't happen, I guess it just doesn't happen. Anyway, I'm off to swim!

Gratitude Tuesday

I'm feeling a little better. I appreciate all the comments. I think that a spanking is just not going to happen no matter what I do, so I'm going to just reign in my insecurities and quit being so damn needy. There's absolutely no point in ruining a perfectly good vacation. But anyway, it's Gratitude Tuesday!

Today I'm grateful for:

Underwear
Up
Upside-down
Uninhibited
Until
Useful
Unique
USA
Umbrellas

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

Unrest

I'm feeling a little out of sorts tonight. We're here in Texas, and the vacation is going pretty well. We're enjoying time with Nick's sisters (his other sister is visiting too), as well as our niece and new nephew. The house is amazing, truly gorgeous, and the setting is picture perfect.

So what has me so out of sorts? Just pregnancy hormones I'm sure. I admit that I'm dealing with a little bit of ugly jealously here. For what they spent on their TV for the game room here we could pay off a huge chunk of our bills and I could stay home with the baby. Or for what they spent on their front door. Or their patio furniture. Or their nursery furniture, or the artwork on the walls. And I know that all of these feelings are childish and ugly and beneath me, and that my life is so much more blessed than hers in so many ways (for instance, I don't have to fight a piece of crap ex-husband over custody issues). So I'll get over it. I just needed to vent here.

The other thing that has me kind of down is the whole DD situation, or rather the lack thereof. I realized that today marks 6 months since the last time he cared enough to punish me for something. Saturday will be 5 months since he spanked me for anything at all. So what is so upsetting all of a sudden? Well, the trip here was a long, hard one. We left at 10 PM EST on Friday and finally arrived at 5:30 AM CST Sunday. Except for about 8 hours at a hotel Saturday morning, all of that was in the car with very little sleep for anyone but Morgan.

When we got here we all crashed into bed. Unfortunately, Morgan popped right back up 3 hours later begging me to swim. I was absolutely wrung out, no patience left, and after 45 minutes of telling her "Not yet!" every five minutes, I got out of bed and stalked to the bathroom to take a shower. The last straw for me though was when I tried to get clean underwear out of my suitcase and the zipper got stuck. I was literally in tears when Nick woke up and told me to get in the shower and he'd get it. I told him no. Several times.

Eventually I gave up and did go get in the shower. But I can count on one hand the number of times in our whole marriage when I've told him no when he's told me to do something, even before we began DD. It's just not something I do. So when I got out of the shower I apologized to Morgan for being so impatient, then privately to Nick for losing my temper with the suitcase and telling him no. And he told me to go to bed while he watched Morgan and we would deal with it later.

So I went to bed thinking "Is he serious? He's really going to call me on this and not let it go?" And it was SO what I needed. Now we were here alone with Morgan the whole day, because Nick's sister Kate and her husband Will had to leave as soon as we arrived. Nick's other sister Kelly was flying in to a city three hours away, as was Nick's niece Kit, who was spending Father's Day with her dad, and they both had to be picked up and brought here to the lake house. So I thought surely we would have time to address the issue. Morgan even cooperated by falling asleep pretty early. But...nothing. Not even a mention. Tonight I asked him if he was still mad at me for getting so upset over the suitcase and he didn't even remember what I was talking about. So I guess it just goes away after all. And I'm not too terribly surprised. I just have to work through it each time it happens. Anyway, it's 2:30 in the morning here, so I'm going to try to go back to bed.

On the road

Nick, Morgan and I had dinner in New Orleans tonight. We were only in the city for about an hour and a half, but it was really neat to have the experience. Now we're headed west toward Austin to visit Nick's sister and her husband and kids. Have a great week!

Gratitude Tuesday

Happy Gratitude Tuesday! Today we celebrate the letter T:

Tracy - me, of course! Actually I'm very grateful for my name. I've never been a person who wished she was named something else, although when I was about 11 I tried to launch a phase of having people call me T.C., my first and middle initials. :)

T - I also have two brothers who start with T, and Morgan's real name is a T name.

Trouble - of some sorts anyway.

Tea - my very favorite drink, syrupy sweet with lots of ice. Unfortunately it's on my restricted list right now.

Television - I don't watch a whole lot of TV myself, but I have to admit, sometimes some mindless entertainment is just the ticket.

Taste - how boring would life be without a sense of taste?

Texas - Nick's sister and brother-in-law live in Texas, and we'll be visiting them there next week. I'm not looking terribly forward to the 17 hour drive, but I am looking forward to meeting our brand new nephew and hanging out at their lake house for the week.

Telephone - some days, I wish the telephone didn't exist, but that's only because I work on the phone. Most of the time though I appreciate not only the convenience of it in my personal life, but the job security at work.

Tenderness - I do love it when Nick shows me how tender he can be with me...and just how tender he can leave my butt!

Toyota - I drive a Toyota Camry, and it's one of the best cars I've ever had!

Towels - big fluffy ones only please!

Trust - I trust my husband, and I don't take for granted how valuable that is.

Tents - we all love to go camping. In fact, we're pretty sure that Morgan was conceived in a tent!

Turtles - I like turtles. I'm not sure why, but I really, really do.

Tuesday - a day for gratitude!

Treasure - boy, who wouldn't love a big old chest full of gold doubloons?

Today, tonight, tomorrow - all brimming with possibilities.

Taffy - yummy saltwater taffy!

Taffy Tickler - yummy vibrator!

Twizzlers - I looooove Twizzlers!

Trucks - Nick has always been a truck guy. Someday he'll have another one.

Toilets - better than the alternative (a bush)

Toilet paper - much better than the alternative (a pinecone)!

Thunderstorms - I've always enjoyed a good thunderstorm.

Thumbs - how useful are those babies?

Torque - if you've ever driven a sports car, you know how important this is.

Trees - what a beautiful world we live in, and trees are a big part of it!

Taken In Hand - what a terrific concept!

Twins - my dad is a twin, and I'm sure grateful for him!

Toothpaste - boy am I glad we have this!

And now I'm pretty...TIRED! Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

Oh yeah, and my baby email for the week:

Week 23 of Pregnancy
Baby is getting (a little) plumper, but Mommy may notice something completely different when she glances at her own belly: the linea nigra.If you're suddenly sporting a dark line down the middle of your tummy, say hello to the linea nigra. That line has actually always been there, but you probably never noticed it until pregnancy hormones caused hyperpigmentation (the same phenomenon that may have darkened your areolas and the area around your forehead and cheeks). Other (less than delightful) skin changes on your body may include red palms and soles, bluish blotchy legs, heat rash, and skin tags. In happier news, you're now in your sixth month and your baby is about to chub up a bit. His saggy skin will start to fit his frame as fat deposits fill things out. Beginning this week, he'll start to pack on the pounds (which means you will, too!) and by month's end he'll be double the weight he is now (though you won't be — whew!). Right now, your baby's organs and bones are visible through his skin, which has a red hue due to developing veins and arteries beneath. But once those fat deposits settle in, he'll become less transparent, too.

Gratitude Tuesday

Happy Gratitude Tuesday! Lots of good ones today...

Spanking - this one wasn't too obvious, was it?

Sex - we had some rather yummy sex last night, as a matter of fact.

Seven - my favorite number

Sense - of the common variety

Silence - ah, so golden!

Silver - one of my favorite precious metals.

Spoons - oh so handy!

Spooning - oh so yummy!

Sand - because it often means a beach!

Sea - also often found near sand.

Silicone - the material of some of my favorite implements!

Second chances - what would we do without these?

Silliness - a little can make the day go much better!

Sun - ahhhhhhh...

Sweets - I definitely have a sweet tooth!

Salvation - I'm grateful for mine every single day, and it's free for everyone!

Sales - pretty hard to resist for me!

Sundays - we can all use a day of rest!

Sunglasses - I wear mine every day.

Simplicity - sometimes it's the very best option.

Soap - it would be a pretty dirty world without it!

Swings - on a porch or on a playground, fun and relaxing either way!

Shoes - I LOVE shoes!

Siestas - ah, what's better than an afternoon nap?

Snuggling - I'm definitely a snuggler.

Showers - hot showers, rain showers, wedding showers, baby showers - they're all nice!

Snow - always magical to me.

Spring - such a time of renewal!

Summer - school's out! School's out!

Soreness when sitting - mmmmmm!

In baby news, this is the weekly email that came in today:

Week 22 of Pregnancy:

Baby's Hair Growth. Your baby has finally broken the one-pound mark. The eyelashes and eyebrows are well formed now — and even more hair is sprouting atop that cute little head. But hair at this stage of fetal development has no pigment, so it's bright white.

Guess what? At 22 weeks pregnant, your baby has finally broken the one-pound mark. How heavy is that? Hold a one-pound box of sugar in your hand the next time you're in the grocery story (and expect people to ask you why you're grinning from ear to ear). Is the box eight inches long? That's about the length your baby is too! This week, your sweetie is making more sense of the world as he or she develops the sense of touch. In fact, your little one's grip is quite developed by now — and since there's nothing else to grab in utero, he or she may sometimes hold on tight to that umbilical cord (don't worry — it's tough enough to handle it). The sense of sight is also getting more developed. Your fetus can now perceive light and dark much better than before (even with those fused eyelids). But remember — unless you're shining a flashlight over your belly (which you can do, by the way), it'll be mostly dark for your baby inside that cozy womb of yours. Moving up from the eyes, the eyelashes and eyebrows are well formed now — and even more hair is sprouting atop that cute little head. You'd be quite surprised, though, if you could see your little one up close and in color. Hair at this stage of fetal development has no pigment, so it's bright white.

My little peanut is a whole pound! Her nursery set came yesterday, and I got to pick it up at my parents' house today. She's kicking like crazy lately, and I'm loving it! It's hard to believe she'll be here in four months!

Gratitude Tuesday

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

R - there are a few R things that I can't spell out here. One of my best friends has an R name. So does Nick's dear sweet sister. And our last name begins with R. Unless something vastly unexpected happens and we someday have a son, Nick will be the last of his line - that makes me a little sad, but I'm very, very grateful to have been able to marry into this wonderful family.

Red - one of my favorite colors for many reasons.

Rain - I love the rain, watching it, listening to it, even dancing in it. Although I could do without driving in it!

Rainbows - what beautiful promises!

Riches - nope, not financial riches, although I'd be lying if I said I would turn them down. I mean the kind of riches I'm blessed with in my husband, daughters, family, and friends!

Rules - okay, sometimes I chafe against them, but for the most part they make me feel safe, and I'm always glad when Nick enforces them.

Religious freedom - I am a Christian, and I make no secret of it. I am grateful every day that I live in a country where I have the freedom to worship without fear of reprisal.

Resurrection - without it, Jesus' gift on the cross would have been meaningless.

Relaxation - who doesn't need more of this?!

Reading - I've always loved to read, and I hope that someday Morgan and her sister enjoy it as much as I do.

In baby news, my blood pressure has continued to be an issue. My doctor raised my medication dosage again today and that seems to have helped. The baby is really starting to kick noticeably, and I feel her every day now. We're working on getting her room ready, and trying to make a list of everything we'll need. We've decide to do her room in pink and brown, and my parents sweetly offered to order this set for it a few days ago. It should be here next week, and I can't wait to get it!

Anyway, Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

Baby Update

Thank you all so much for the congratulations! We're very excited, and it's nice to finally know what we're having. My blood pressure was much better yesterday at my visit, and all my lab work came back so completely normal that the lab tech called my doctor at home the night before and asked if there was something she was supposed to be looking for. The baby is doing great, developing right on schedule and in possession of all of her parts. She weighs 11 ounces and is about the size of a cantaloupe. Now for the hard part - waiting 4 months for the next sonogram!

Multimedia message

Gratitude Tuesday

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

Quiet
Quickies
Quilts
Quarters
Quips

Okay, I know it's short, but Q is not one of my strong points. Now for a baby update:

My boss's daughter has been pregnant, three weeks further along than me. Wednesday she lost her baby. As you can imagine, this shook me up quite a bit. She was 22 weeks and developed very high blood pressure. Now I've never had blood pressure problems in my life, but my boss finally came back to work yesterday, and I decided to check mine out. So I drove to a nearby Wal-Mart on my lunch and used their blood pressure machine. My blood pressure was 155/103! This really freaked me out, because at my check-up 4 weeks ago it was a perfectly normal 120/78. So I called my doctor, and she was concerned enough to put me on a low dosage of blood pressure medicine right away, and she wanted to see me today. This morning it was even higher (161/102) so I called and they said to come in immediately. It had gone down some by the time I got there, and went down even further by the time they tested it again later on. They did a urine sample, which was negative for protein. This is a very good thing, because it means that at this point at least it's just hypertension and not the early stages of pre-eclampsia. They did some blood work also, which I will get the results of tomorrow, and she upped my dosage on the medicine. But the most important part of the visit for me was that we got to listen to the heartbeat, which was nice and strong. In fact, the doctor had to chase the baby all around my abdomen because it was so active. That in itself was reassuring to me, because, while I feel it moving a little almost every day it's never very strong, and at least now I know that that doesn't mean that it's not hopping around in there. Anyway, tomorrow is the big visit, the one where we find out what we're having - Hooray!

A suggestive day at the car show

Nick, Morgan, and I stopped by Bike Night at a local restaurant on Thursday, and I found this bumper sticker on the back of one of the motorcycles there. It reminded me of a few people I know. ;)

We also stopped by a small car show yesterday, and a couple of things caught my eye there too. This was on the windshield of a VW Bug there.

And this sign

prompted me to go looking online and find these:

Ever have those weeks when spanking just jumps out at you everywhere?

Gratitude Tuesday

Happy Gratitude Tuesday! Today I'm grateful for things beginning with the letter P:

Peanut butter - yum!

Pickles - okay, not just any pickles. Honestly, I'm not a huge fan of most pickles. But I do like little sweet pickles, and I love pickle relish on hot dogs.

Pancakes - hmmm...there seems to be a food theme this week.

Pink - my favorite color of all!

Purple - a pretty nice color itself.

Pie - ah, back to food it seems.

Paper, pens and pencils - I've always been a huge fan of office supplies. Something was always so magical about going back to school and buying all those unspoiled packs of paper, fresh unsharpened pencils, and brand new packs of pens. Such potential! And speaking of, I'm also grateful for...

Potential - it's in all of us, and what a gift it is!

Panties - I love pretty panties, and I've always been fortunate that Nick's always been happy to indulge me in letting me buy whatever ones I want.

Parents - yes, they drive me crazy some of the time, but I really do have great ones, and Nick and I are blessed to be parents ourselves.

Pancho - Pancho is our little chihuahua. I was never, EVER going to be a small dog person, and I certainly never wanted a yappy little chihuahua. But Morgan's dog disappeared a couple of years ago, she was utterly heartbroken, and the only quick offer we had for a free replacement was a four month old chihuahua puppy. Reluctantly I agreed to take Morgan to check it out, and she fell in love immediately. We brought him home, and he's turned out to be the best dog we've ever had. He rarely barks unless he needs to go out or someone is in our yard (which sometimes happens in a subdivision), and he loves to snuggle.

Peaches, pears, and plums - Mmmmm!

Paddles - okay, this one was pretty obvious. I'm a big fan of paddles, although there are some that I love more than others. Fortunately we have a wide selection here at our house.

Punishments - Okay, maybe I'm not a fan of them exactly, but I am grateful for them, and I can appreciate their necessity.

Prenatal vitamins - these are a daily routine for me now, and not only are they providing what I need for the baby, but they're making my hair and nails grow like crazy!

Pregnancy - how could I not mention this one?

Penis - not plural, because I really only have great regard for one in particular. But I sure do appreciate that one!

Pools - my parents put in a swimming pool a few years ago, and there's nothing nicer than sliding into it on a hot summer's day!

Potatoes - so much yummy stuff you can do with them!

Whew! That was a lot of P words! I'm sure there are more, but I'm worn out!

Nick and I talked very briefly about the whole DD thing. He's still on board with it, although he's cautious about what is okay physically with the pregnancy. Either way, it's nice to know that he still wants to do this.

Lego Spanker

Via the good old Generator Blog I came across a generator to make your own Lego character. Like mine?

Lego Character Generator

A Response

Sorry for being unable to respond to comments, but I'm mobile posting and for whatever reason can't post to comments from my phone.

First of all, I want to say a huge thank you for all the sweet supportive comments you guys left on the last two posts. PK, you especially I know have been through this.

Second of all, I always welcome friendly discussion, and I'm glad to talk about my thoughts on the subject. Goddess with a Whip, I appreciate your comments, even if I don't agree with them, and I can say that they've definitely been thought provoking.

As to your questions:
Does this (DD I assume) make me happy?
The answer to that is a resounding yes. This is not some experiment to me. Nick and I have been incorporating this into our marriage for five and a half years, most of that time quite actively. I cannot tell you how much better our overall marriage is after DD compared to before. This is a need within me that goes far beyond sexuality. And certainly it manifests itself in my sexuality, but I don't believe that it necessarily stems from it.

I love being a submissive wife, but for me it's not about being overcome, or even about power exchange. It's about being safe, knowing that there are boundaries there that keep me and our marriage on the right path. And while that is in part what the text Goddess referenced talks about, the rest of it talks about the pleasure responses in being overcome, and that's just not applicable here. That's not at all what I'm craving. There are plenty of couples out there who practice Master/slave, TPE relationships, and that's perfectly fine. It's just not something that appeals to me, although there are a number of fellow bloggers in such a relationship that I consider friends. But trying to define DD in terms of sexuality is like trying to define the Amish lifestyle in terms of living without electricity. Sure that's a part of it, but it doesn't begin to encompass it, or to give it credit for it's merits. Anyway, yes, it does make happy, very much so.

Does it make your partner happy?
That one I can only answer to the best of my ability. I believe that the answer is yes. Nick and I have had many conversations about it, and he has always assured me that he feels that it makes our marriage better and that he doesn't want to stop. I have given him the option many times. I think the real problem is that often I just feel like I'm not worth the effort, but that, if I look at it honestly, is probably just my own issue and no reflection on his feelings. Lately I've been trying to be especially non-needy with DD because of all the other stresses that he's dealing with right now. The irony is that I need it now more than ever because of those very stresses, and that's why I'm venting on the blog. Am I willing to give up DD? Yes, if that's what needs to be done, but doing so will not change me on the inside, and I truly hope that we can pick it back up someday. In the meantime, I will keep coming here to talk about it to my heart's content.

My Kink is Okay, but Your Kink is Not Okay

That's the impression I got from a comment to my last post. While I certainly don't hold it against Goddess with a Whip that she's not comfortable with DD, I don't feel like I should let her comment pass without pointing out that what constitutes a "healthy way of life" will vary greatly from couple to couple. For many, many of us, spanking is far more than just play. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that for me personally, play is a very, very small part of it.

For a lot of us, DD is a much healthier choice than sublimating a very deep part of ourselves, hiding our true faces from the person who loves us most. I guess the comment seemed to me to be saying that by believing in DD as a true lifestyle, I'm being silly and delusional and taking something that's nothing more than a game way too seriously. I don't agree, but that's not so important here. What I want to make a point of saying is that if you're new at this and struggling to accept the part of you that needs more than just play, please understand that there is nothing at all wrong with your needs and desires. Yes, I have my own struggles with it, but those struggles are not with the fact that I need DD, but rather with the fact that I sometimes feel like it's too much work for Nick.

Anyway, really - blogging is a sign of obsession? I guess there are a lot of us out there who are obsessed then. Some people blog about their kids, some people blog about their hobbies, some people blog about their jobs. I blog about spanking and DD. Although as it happens I blog about all of those other things as well. The fact that my blog focuses on spanking and DD for the most part is nothing for me to be worried about or ashamed of. This is my outlet, and I think it's a perfectly healthy one. I know from experience that what's truly unhealthy for me is to not have any outlet at all.

I understand that DD will have its ups and downs, sometimes (like now) going away completely for a while. That's actually the point of my last couple of posts. And so that I'm not driving Nick crazy with all of this, I come here and post. I think that moderation is definitely a relative concept. I'm not out looking to have my needs met outside my marriage. I'm not spending bill money on implements. I'm not even having daily conversations about this with my husband. I think I'm a long way from being unhealthily obsessed. I think my kink is fine just the way it is.

Thinking..

So I've been reading back over the history of my blog, and I started thinking. I know, dangerous stuff, right? But anyway, I was reading this post. And I started thinking about Nick saying how much DD was for both of us, not just me, and how I had no business deciding on my own that we weren't doing it anymore. And I started wondering, is that what I'm doing now? But I'm not trying to tell him we can't do DD. In my mind and heart I still consider him head of the household, and if he decided right now to punish me for something, I'd willingly submit to it. But I'm trying to give him room to adjust to the things in our life that are coming whether we're ready for them or not. And the only way I know how to do that is to try to relieve him of whatever pressure from me that I can. I guess my brain just can't settle down and accept that things are okay. I just worry that if I verbalize my need for discipline, I'm being weird and too much work, and if I don't verbalize it and just push it to the back, I'm making a decision for both us without asking for his input. But if I ask for his input, he's going to feel obligated, and that's the very last thing I want. Ugghh! I wish I could just turn it off completely.

My O List

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

Let's see, I'm grateful for...

Orgasms
Olives
Oranges
Oreos
Optimism
Ocean
Ogres (Okay, just Shrek and company)
Opals
Online access
Opinions
Options
Oars
Oak

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

Happy Birthday, Grace!

Happy birthday to a wonderful friend and sister blogger. Love ya, Grace!

Gratitude Tuesday and other stuff

Happy Gratitude Tuesday first of all. Today we celebrate N!

Nick - how could I skip this one? I truly, truly love my husband, and I am wildly blessed to have him.

Naked - oh, and I like to get naked with him a lot.

Nice - if more people were just nice, my days would be so much...well, NICER!

Nanny - this is what I called my grandmother and what Morgan calls my mom. They both were/are pretty awesome at the job!

New - I like new stuff - who doesn't? New clothes, new books, new haircuts, new cars, just new stuff in general. And speaking of new cars...

New Car Smell - Ahhhhh...

Nine months - you can grow some beautiful stuff in nine months, like a new baby!

Nipples - nipples are always nice, but I'm especially grateful to be getting another chance to use them for the purpose God intended. I breastfed Morgan for 18 months, and it was some of the sweetest time I ever spent with her.

Naps - I confess, I nap a lot these days, and I love it! But I have a good excuse, right?

Okay, on another subject...

There's still been no discipline in this house, although Nick has occasionally put on a sterner tone of voice when discussing the lack of clean laundry, which I appreciate (the sterner tone, not the lack of clean laundry). And he did give me an extremely short, very playful spanking with a decorative wooden sign that happened to be at hand. But...I'm still feeling the need. I think it goes back to this:

About a month ago, we had a fight. A big fight. The biggest fight we'd ever had. And I think we were both a little bit at fault, although it was probably more me than him. But in my defense, I was 3 months pregnant and consequently a bit more insecure and unreasonable than normal with no clue why. The details of the fight don't matter and won't be rehashed here, but suffice it to say that I inadvertently hurt his feelings very, very badly, to the point that he didn't even want to come home to me that night. Now he did come home, and we got things worked out the next day. But I have never, NEVER felt the need to be punished for something so strongly. The problem though, is that he was not in a frame of mind to do that, and I certainly was not in a position to ask him to meet a need of mine when I had disregarded his needs so badly. And he just wanted to move past the whole thing. So I let it go. But since then I've felt especially...off kilter.

Of course I'm sure part of that is the shock and adjustment (joyous though they may be) of finding out about the baby. But that's another issue here. First (2 1/2 years ago), Nick wanted a baby. He was prepared for it. He was actively trying with me to make it happen. Then my doctor told us it wouldn't happen. So, our focus shifted. We accepted that it probably wasn't in the cards, although that was a sad point to come to for me. For Nick, well, I think that by that point, it was kind of a relief.

Morgan was big enough that she didn't have to have our attention every minute, our lives were pretty comfortable, and if you looked at the plus side of no more kids, there were lots of things to consider. Like we were making a little better money these days, so we could get, oh, I don't know, a motorcycle. And we could eat out a little more. And we could go to the movies every once in a while, which was very doable, because Morgan was no longer a hassle for babysitters. And we could enjoy things like winning a trip to Hawaii without worrying about leaving an infant with someone for a week. We didn't have to buy things like diapers or formula, and it didn't take us three hours to leave the house. There was no baby carrier to lug into Wal-Mart, and Morgan was finally out of even her booster seat. No giant doctor's bills, no house full of baby clutter, no 3 AM feedings, no losing our family room because we had to make way for a new baby.

And then suddenly...all of that changed for Nick. Like that. All of a sudden he's having to remodel and repaint. He's being asked to go to doctor's visits. I'm bringing home loads of pregnancy books, some of them for him. My waistline is expanding, and I've kind of been a bitch lately. I'm tired all the time, and even though I'm trying to hold back, I know it seems like this pregnancy is all I talk about. I'm alternately sensitive and weepy, then buoyant and annoyingly cheerful.

You see what he's been dealing with? So...I kind of feel like since I got something really nice and unexpected - maybe that means that I have to make a trade-off. Maybe it's only fair that if I'm being so blessed here, then I have to give up something on the other end. After all, it's not fair to ask him to do all that stuff AND run a DD marriage, is it? How much can I ask a guy to give up here? Why should I get to have both dreams when both dreams mean so much work for him?

So I guess my point is, this may not be much of a DD/spanking blog from this point forward. It's still there in me, but I kind of feel like it's time for me to accept that my life is beyond blessed just the way it is, and it would be ungrateful for me to insist on more, especially from the man who has given me so much.

So far, so good...

I had my doctor's visit today. There was really no new news, other than that things are moving right along. She did another ultrasound, but we couldn't tell the sex yet. I go back in four weeks for another one, and she said that we should absolutely be able to tell then. They also drew a lot of blood for a whole slew of prenatal tests, and I should get the results for all of them by Monday. Keep up in your prayers that everything continues to go well!

Gratitude Tuesday

Check it out! I'm on time for once! Today is brought to you by the letter M:

Marriage - this is a biggie for me. Getting married was one of the biggest and best decisions of my life.

Money - can't live without it!

Mothers - mine, as crazy as she drives me sometimes, is very very special, and being one is the best job I've ever had.

Math - not everyone likes it, but for me there's comfort in the unchangeable-ness of it.

Moon - beautiful whatever its size.

Music - I love music of all sorts, and my day is not complete without hearing some.

Tomorrow is my first official doctor's visit, so say a prayer that everything goes well!

Fashionably late as usual...

Okay, okay, so I missed Gratitude Tuesday AGAIN! But I'm trying to make up for it! On a side note, above is a picture of an unborn baby at 14 weeks. I go back to the doctor next Wednesday, so hopefully I'll have a new picture of mine then!

And now, a few favorites from J, K, and L:

Jesus
Jokes
Joy
Jeans
Jokari

Kisses
Kites
Kindness
Kids
Kittens

Love
Life
Liberty
Lemons
Lips
Laps

Happy Gratitude Wednesday!

Email Blogging

Okay, now that I have the mobile blogging down, I wanted to try email blogging. Seems to working from the test post, so here goes. Here's what's been on my mind:

SPANKING

Or more specifically DD, and the lack thereof. And as I'm moving past the super-emotionalism of my first trimester, it's really kicking in with some clarity just how much I miss really feeling that Nick's in charge. And while spanking has always been a big part of it for me, it's not the whole enchilada. As a matter of fact, I'm a little nervous about how safe spanking would be during the pregnancy. I'm sure big wooden paddles would be out of the question. Probably leather paddles and belts too. But I think we would be okay with silicone spatulas or even (shudder) switches. In fact, I found the most awesome silicone spreader/scraper EVER for $5.99 the other day, but I haven't even shown it to Nick. I'm including a picture, but I'm not sure where in the post it will show up. :)

But anyway, even if he doesn't spank me at all, there are other ways to show leadership. I guess I just need to feel my boundaries again.

But I kind of have the feeling that we're done with this altogether. I don't want to think that, but it's been 3 months since there was any spanking at all, and longer still since there was any pretence at discipline. And the other day when I attempted to initiate a conversation about this, I did get the "Are you going to start this again?" response.

Does he see this pregnancy as a way to make a clean break from DD? Is it just that he's too overwhelmed with becoming a father again to have room for the responsibility and effort of being in charge right now? If the latter is the case, then why nothing to speak of in the months beforehand? If it's the former, okay, I can live with that, but I need some sort of certain knowlege of that so that I can adjust my mindset.

And I know, communication, communication, communication. But I just can't find my way to it right now. I feel like I'm facing an unbreachable wall.

Trying one more thing.

---

From: Tracy <nicksbrat454@gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 10:05 AM
To: nicksbrat454@gmail.com
Subject:

Just trying something...