A Huge Thank You to Bethie!

"Message from Bethie: Welcome, everyone to Angelbrat/Tracy's shower! Come on in, join in the fun, and say "Hi" to the mom-to-be. She's glowing isn't she?
And don't eat the cake; it's made of diapers!"

My dear friend Bethie contacted me a few weeks ago and asked if she could throw me an online baby shower - what a sweet idea! I can't thank her enough for her thoughtfulness, and I really appreciate all the warm love and support so many in the blogging community have shown me over the last few months! If you would like to donate something small to help Nick and I out with the expenses we're facing, Bethie has designed a gift button which is at the at the top of the sidebar to the right. But even if you just want to pop in to say hi, I'm thrilled to have you help me celebrate! Thank you so much for stopping by, and be sure to tell Bethie what a wonderful friend she is! Thank you, sweetie!

Guess what...

Big drum roll..........................I got a spanking! Yep, it's true. Obviously we've both been dealing with some stress, and I've not been handling it very well. If you read my rant a couple of posts ago (and the understandably hurt comment Nick left), you know that I've been seriously feeling the lack of discipline lately. Unfortunately I couldn't seem to find a way to resolve that constructively. Yesterday I sent Nick a rather long text apologizing not just for the post, but for failing to recognize his attempts to take care of me. I asked him to please push the reset button for me and deal with both my stress level and the bitchy attitude I've had the last few weeks. Much to my chagrin and relief, he did just that last night. When we went to bed he pulled out the Hawaii paddle.

Even though I asked for it and knew how much I needed it, it was still hard for me to get into position. But Nick was having none of my hesitation, so I carefully bent over a stack of pillows. It was weird having to maneuver around my seven months pregnant belly, but the pillows did the trick. I have to say, absence makes the bottom grow tender. After seven months, this spanking HURT. ALOT. And I know that it wasn't even close to the hardest I've ever had, but it had me in tears pretty quickly. I think I got somewhere around 200, enough to leave me quite pink and a little bruised today. I don't think there's any chance that I'll still be marked by my next doctor's visit (next Wednesday), but even if I am I don't expect her to do anything I have to take my pants off for. And heck, even if she does, I'm a consenting adult!

I've felt so much more at peace today. I owe my husband a huge thank you - and maybe a nice blow job.

It could definitely be worse...

Well, I know I've not sounded very grateful today. The truth is that I have much to be thankful for, including my husband. I'm dealing with some tremendous stresses these days, and I'm not always handling it well. Beyond the physical drain of pregnancy, there's also the stresses of the gestational diabetes, the hypertension, the doctor's bills, money issues, work issues (found out yesterday that a much loved co-worker with 38 years with the company was unceremoniously downsized. Due to this, her team went to my supervisor and some of my team, me included, are getting parceled out to other teams - NOT happy about this!). We're also having to get flood insurance to go through with our mortgage modification, and to do that we have to get a $400 elevation certificate done. My doctor's appointments are getting more frequent, and my available sick time is almost gone with 9 1/2 weeks left till my due date. Added to all that, there was a SNAKE in our kitchen Sunday! I do NOT like snakes.

BUT, despite all that, my life is very blessed. The diabetes seems to be doing well with diet control, and the hypertension is mild. God is providing as we have to have it on the money issues. While I'm not happy to be moved away from my current supervisor, the one I'm getting is not the worst one I could have. It looks like they may let me use some holiday time when my sick time is depleted. And the snake is now quite gone. Nick was very much my hero in that situation. He likes snakes just about as much as I do, but he didn't even hesitate - with a pair of grill tongs and a steak knife he very bravely dispatched our uninvited house guest, and he didn't even laugh at me for running screaming from the house.

My husband has worked very hard lately, not just at his job, but here at home too, painting the baby's room, picking up side work to help pay the bills, and generally making sure I have help with the house. I very much appreciate him, and I try hard not to make too many other demands. Most of the time he's been very sweet to me, and I'm very blessed to have him. Sometimes, I guess, I just need to bitch a little.

Curiously...

...I feel better. Just needed to get it out, I guess.

Another week down

Hey, everyone. I went to the doctor yesterday and the baby's 3 pounds and 10 ounces. Everything looks good, although she wants me to come back weekly until she's satisfied with my blood sugar readings. They've been decent for the most part so far, so I would appreciate your prayers that that continues.

I've been really struggling lately, although it's hard for me to pinpoint exactly what the issue is. I just feel really faded, completely wrung out physically and emotionally. I tried to talk to Nick yesterday about our relationship and the things I need from it, but he shut the conversation down pretty quickly. This is frustrating for me, because I know that he's not a person who enjoys talking about "his feelings", but it makes me feel like I also can't talk about mine. And that just leaves me really tired, like it's not worth the effort to try to express my needs because they just don't matter.

All of that probably sounds really awful about him, and I don't mean to be unfair, because he's going through a lot of adjustments too. It just seems like once upon a time I could talk to him about this stuff, and now he just doesn't have the time or the energy to devote to it. The impression I get is that he's only got so much patience and commitment to give, and right now it's all being used up by the baby situation and all the changes that is bringing. It feels like that wall of security I used to feel from him is  giving way, and I'm terrified that if I keep pushing I'll push right through it.

Once upon a time I could count on him to do what I needed him to do when I felt stressed like this. Is it unfair of me to still want that? The fact that we're having this baby is not any more my doing than it is his, but I feel like the fact that I'm glad she's coming means that he blames me for everything that's changing and I have to give up everything he was doing before. And I know what everybody says: "COMMUNICATE! TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL!" Simple, right? Except that's clearly not a viable option here. I've tried to talk to him. It always ends up with me talking to myself, sounding more and more desperate and clingy, which of course makes him less and less able to hear what I'm saying, and the whole thing becomes just a waste of energy and emotions.

Every time I open my mouth to have a discussion about anything more serious than dinner it's a toss up as to whether I'm actually going to jump in and try to have the talk about money or our relationship or our plans for my job or whatever. Half the time I see the whole coming conversation unfolding in my head and I just opt out of it. The whole DD thing, for instance - on almost every occasion in the last 6 months when I've tried to tell him I'm feeling the need he's shot back "Look, you want me to do this, then you need to accept that it's going to happen when I think it needs to happen, not when you think it does. You say you want me to be in charge, but you really want to run this your way!" Okay, sure, valid point, right? Except that the whole reason for doing it at all is because it's something I need. He doesn't (didn't) do it because it was something that helped him. If he doesn't to want to do it in any way that is nurturing to me, then why bother at all?

It's not like I'm just unhappy with an occasional decision of his; it's that it never, ever comes up at all unless I try to bring it up. And I'm not talking about just him coming down on me - there's very little need for that. I'm talking about him just being there when I'm not handling my time very well, or more frequently, when I'm becoming overstressed. Anyway, that was exactly what I was saying to him yesterday when he said "How did we get started talking about this again," making it abundantly clear of course that he was not going to have the conversation. Anyway, I'm just venting here. He rarely reads the blog anymore, so I'd be a little shocked if he even started the post, let alone made it this far. I know that we will eventually get past this. Once the baby comes and I can get past the pregnancy complications and we get into a routine and get settled financially then this will all resolve itself one way or another. I just need a place to yell right now.

Quick baby update

Hey, guys. I'm pretty exhausted today, so this is just going to be a quick baby update post. Tomorow I go to our local diabetes center for classes on my gestational diabetes. Please say a prayer that things go well. Thank you for all of your comments on the last few posts.

Week 30 of Pregnancy
Your baby's brain is getting smarter by the minute, but for Mom, the only thing that smarts right now may be heartburn pain. These days you may feel as if you've got a flamethrower in your chest. Heartburn is one of the most common (and annoying) pregnancy ailments and here's why: The same pregnancy hormones that cause your body's pelvic muscles to relax so you can deliver your baby also relax the ring of muscle that separates the esophagus from the stomach. The upshot? Food and digestive juices can head upstream from your tummy into your chest and throat — hence, the infernal inferno. Your expanding uterus, now exerting pressure on your stomach, only fuels the fire. And speaking of your belly, its increasing size is a definite clue that your baby is getting bigger every day, weighing in at over three pounds now. Also growing daily is his brain, which is actually starting to look like the real thing with those characteristic grooves and wrinkles. And now that your little genius can regulate his own body temperature and turn up the heat, he'll start shedding lanugo, the downy body hair that's been keeping him warm up until now.

A new laptop!

I got a new laptop! I'm soooo excited, because my beloved Gateway has been on its last leg for a while now. My hard drive crashed back in October and we lost everything on it. Best Buy was unfortunately unable to recover anything at all, and we were unable to find my restore disk. Because there was absolutely nothing at all on the new hard drive, we had to load everything from scratch. One of Nick's computer savvy friends kindly got us set back up, but all that he had to put on as an operating system was Windows XP Pro, a system I love, except it was registered to him. So for the last 9 months I've had to deal with Windows Counterfeit Software notices, extremely frustrating since we have my actual original authorized disk somewhere. Added to that, Morgan broke the hinge on one side when she accidentally opened the lid too far, and the charger has been threatening to stop working for some time.

We've not gotten it fixed for a couple of reasons - first of all we just didn't have the money, and second, I've had it for about three years now, and it's obsolete enough that it would cost as much to fix it as to get a new, better computer. With the baby coming, we knew we wouldn't have much more of an opportunity to repair or replace it. So with some great deals at Best Buy right now, Nick decided it was time to shop. We ended up coming home with an Asus for about $300 less than we paid for my Gateway, and a lot more bells and whistles. Besides having a much bigger hard drive, it's got a ton more memory and battery life, as well as a built in webcam. It's soooo much faster, and the graphics are amazingly crisp.

In other news, I've unfortunately developed gestational diabetes. My mom had it with my youngest brother, so I wasn't entirely surprised, but it's still a complication I'd definitely rather do without. I'm 29 weeks pregnant today, so I've only got about 11 weeks to go (hopefully a little less). I can deal with it - I'd just rather not have to. We started painting the baby's room today, and my mom and mother-in-law will be having a baby shower for me on August 30. I can't believe how close it's all getting! I hope you guys have a great week!

Gratitude Tuesday

Happy Gratitude Tuesday! You didn't think I'd totally spaced out on it, did you? Today is the last letter, so the things I love about Z:

Zippers
Zeros
Zeniths
Zaxby's (very good chicken)
Zanadu
Zebrawood
Zest
Zucchini
Zoos

Happy Z Day!

Now for my baby email:
Week 29 of Pregnancy: Baby Fat
Your baby is almost 17 inches tall now, nearly as tall as he or she will be at birth. But that three-pound weight will likely more than double — and may even come close to tripling — by delivery time.At 29 weeks pregnant, your baby is almost 17 inches tall now (nearly as tall as he or she will be at birth), and close to three pounds (a weight that will likely more than double — and may even come close to tripling — by delivery time). His or her wrinkled skin is smoothing out as more fat is deposited under the skin surface. This fat, called white fat, is different from the earlier brown fat that your developing fetus accumulated. Brown fat is necessary for body temperature regulation while white fat (the fat you have, Mom) actually serves as an energy source. Which explains why your energizer baby feels so…well…energized! Space in your baby's living quarters is now at a premium, so you'll be feeling jabs and pokes from elbows and knees mostly. But those kicks will be more vigorous than before (and also less erratic) because your baby is stronger and excitedly responding to all sorts of stimuli — movement, sounds, light, and that candy bar you ate half an hour ago.
Luckily, your baby doesn't have teeth yet that would need a brushing after that sugary treat, but it won't be long before you'll need to buy that first baby toothbrush! You'll recall that your baby's baby-teeth buds formed weeks ago, but now the buds for permanent teeth are forming in his or her gums as well. And back to those kicks, who's counting? Actually, you should be. Now's a good time to start doing a kick count twice a day to make sure baby's doing just fine (plus, it's a good excuse for a rest). Lie down (preferably after a snack) and keep track of your baby's movements. You're looking for at least ten movements in an hour's time (don't forget to count movements of any kind — kicks, flutters, swishes, rolls, and so on).

We've had some blessings this week. We found out that since Nick turned 30 our car insurance has gone down by $65 a month. My in-laws have also taken it upon themselves to help us out with a few things. My mother-in-law took Morgan shopping today and got her some stuff for school, and they've found a couple of pieces of furniture for the baby's room and are fixing them up for us. We've also had some baby clothes given to us, with more on the way. God is providing, each and every day. Hope you guys have a great week!

This week's update

Okay, so I'm doing really badly with Gratitude Tuesday. But I usually put up my Gratitude Tuesday post with my baby email for the week, and my email didn't show up until yesterday for some reason. Yesterday I went to bed not long after I got home, because today I had to go take...the dreaded 3 hour glucose test. Yuck! So this is the first chance I've had to get back on here. Actually I tried doing a mobile post from the doctor's office, but my phone was almost dead. This may very well have been because I spent the first hour at the doctor's office playing the mobile version of mine and Nick's new obsession, Bejeweled Blitz. I have Grace to thank for this, because she plays it all the time, and that got me curious about it. From there it took me about 3 and 1/2 minutes to become completely sucked into it, and now Nick and I both have it on our phones.

I'll find out Monday what my results on the glucose test are. Our appraisal came back on the house. It wasn't quite what we had hoped for, but it was almost enough to pay off the bill that worries us the most, so we can't complain too much.

Nick has given me sort of an ultimatum on the current laundry pile. I have to have it all finished by Tuesday morning, or...well, he didn't say, but I'm going to assume he meant something stern and shiver-inducing. Anyway, this week's baby email:

Your Baby in Week 28 of Pregnancy

Your baby is settling into the proper position for birth, with his head facing downward (toward your body's nearest exit!). Your little work in progress is now about 2.5 pounds and almost 16 inches long. He's busy adding new skills such as blinking to an already impressive repertoire of tricks like coughing, sucking, hiccuping, and taking practice breaths. Your baby's sleep now includes the REM (rapid eye movement) phase — and that means he could be dreaming already (what do you suppose he's dreaming about?). Though his lungs are nearly fully mature (so both of you might breathe a little easier if he were born now), your baby still has plenty of growing to do.

Whew!

Okay, the appraisal guy has come and gone. He was super nice, seemed to like the house, had favorable things to say about the various features. We should find out on Monday how it went. In other news, we're now having to deal with a flood insurance snafu. First of all, our house is not in a flood zone. The back of our property is, but the structure itself is not, and we're not required to have flood insurance. In fact, when we bought the house 8 years ago our realtor was literally in the back yard with her son and a tape measure getting proof of it on the morning of closing. A few years ago our first mortgage holder sent us a letter stating that we needed the coverage, and after many hours on the phone, we got it all straightened out and they listed the house properly. Now that we're trying to modify our HELOC, our second mortgage holder (incidentally also my employer) is saying that we need flood insurance. Urrrgggg! So now I have to get it straightened out with them as well. But I know that God will work it all out.

So anyway, how are you guys doing? It seems like between work and housework and pregnancy I've hardly had time to look at the computer.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and had my glucose test. Results for that should be back on Monday as well, and I'll find out whether things were good or I have to take the dreaded 3 hour glucose test. For those of you who have never been pregnant, this is a test where you fast for 12 hours, then they give you this awful, gag-inducing drink to chug. After an hour they test your blood sugar, then again an hour later, then once more an hour after that. I had to do this with Morgan, and it was AWFUL!. In fact, I threw up before the test was over and had to come back and do it all again. Yuck! So I'm hoping and praying I don't have to go that route this time.

Everything looks good so far. I've gained a total of 11 pounds, which is good. I also start going for visits every two weeks now. I can't believe I've only got 92 days till my due date! My parents came over last night and helped us do some stuff on the house to get ready for the appraisal, and the baby's room is all ready to paint now. This was the baby email I got this week:

Fetal Development This Week
Week 27 of Pregnancy: Baby's Sense of Taste and Sound
Beginning at this stage of fetal development, your baby's length will be measured from top of head to toe — which makes your baby nearly a full 15 inches now. And at just over two pounds, he or she has doubled in weight from four weeks ago. Most babies this age, yours included, still like to snuggle in a slightly curled position inside the uterus (thus the term "fetal position"). Even so, beginning at this stage, your baby's length will be measured from top of head to toe — which makes your baby nearly a full 15 inches now. And at just over two pounds, he or she has doubled in weight from four weeks ago. Your baby's auditory development (hearing) is progressing as the network of nerves to the ears matures. And even though the sounds your baby hears are muffled (thanks to the creamy coating of vernix covering those ears), he or she may recognize both yours and your partner's voices. So this might be a good time to read and even sing to your baby (or rather, your belly) — and a good chance to start boning up on those nursery rhymes and lullabies you'll need to be repeating (and repeating) pretty soon. And while you're at it, here's another way to have some family fun at 27 weeks pregnant: If your partner presses his ear to your belly, he might be able to hear the baby's heartbeat.
Your baby's taste buds are very developed now too (with more taste buds than he or she will ever have outside the womb, actually). Need a taste test? If you eat some spicy food (you hot mama, you), your baby will be able to taste the difference in the amniotic fluid (but keep in mind that you'll have different mealtimes, with your baby's coming about two hours after yours). Some babies will even respond to that spicy kick by hiccupping. And although hiccups (which feel like belly spasms to you) may seem like they're disturbing to your baby, he or she isn't stressed at all. It's just one more sensation that babies need to get used to.

I felt hiccups with Morgan, although not yet with this one, but I'm eating General Tso's chicken right now, so maybe in a couple of hours!

Please pray!

The appraisal guy should be here any minute!

I didn't forget!

Hey guys, I didn't forget Gratitude Tuesday, I promise! Yesterday was crazy! We're trying to modify our home equity loan to get rid of some higher interest rate stuff, and the appraisal guy called me yesterday in the middle of me fixing dinner and informed us that he would be coming by today to take pictures of the outside of the house. Okay, no big deal, except that was the first we'd heard of it and the back yard looked like a jungle. Our property backs up onto a creek, and it's quite possibly the most fertile land on earth. It seriously gets out of control in 3 or 4 days, and Nick had not had a chance to get to it in over a week. Plus our riding mower is out of commission right now, so all he had was our push mower. But, ever the good husband, he went right out and got started while I finished dinner and did some work in the front yard. I called his dad, and he came over with this rider, and they finally got it all done after a couple of hours. So our hopes for a relaxing evening kind of went out the window. Tonight we've got to do some interior stuff, because the appraisal guy's coming back for the inside view on Saturday. Say a prayer that it goes well!

Rated PG-13

Sigh...I'm not sure how I feel about this. Once upon a time this blog was rated R. Now, it seems, I'm a solid PG-13. I guess there's more baby than anything else on here these days.

Thanks to Hermione, Todd&Suzy, and Mitch.

An update and a new website

You guys are all so sweet, asking about me. I know I've been brief on the blog lately, and I appreciate your interest. I'm doing well with the pregnancy. I've only gained about 9 pounds so far, and considering I had lost 10 since the beginning of the year before I found out I was pregnant, I'm doing pretty good! Not to worry, I'm not gaining too little. I have my doctor keeping an eye on it. I gained way too much with Morgan, and I don't want to do that again. Besides, I certainly wasn't underweight to start with, so I've had some wiggle room so far. I feel the baby kicking every day, and I'm loving it. Nick actually got to feel her move a couple of weeks ago, and Morgan felt her a few days after that. Next Thursday I go for my glucose test, so I'm praying everything goes smoothly with that.

In related news, Nick and I are struggling a bit with what we will do as far as my job goes once the baby gets here. What we both really want is for me to be able to quit and stay home. A stay at home mom is actually what I wanted to be from the time I was little. Unfortunately our finances don't seem inclined to let that happen. We're both praying really hard about it, and we would really appreciate your prayers as well. If God provides the means to pay off some bills before then, then we can do it. Along those lines, I just started a new, very vanilla website and enabled Google AdSense on it. This website is a place where people can contribute stories about the funny/cute/profound things their kids/grandkids/nieces/nephews have said. I would really appreciate it if you would all check it out and pass the link along to all your friends, and I would be thrilled if any of you would like to contribute. All posts are anonymous unless you would like your first name published, and this will be a work friendly site, so you can share the link with anyone you like. I hope to eventually have enough readers to generate some income from the ads, and maybe even have non-Google affiliated companies place banners. Here's the link!

Mother of Invention

Gratitude Tuesday

Happy Gratitude Tuesday! Today I'm grateful for:

Water - I've always loved the water, whether it was a puddle or a creek or a lake or the ocean.

Waffle House - Waffle House was a big part of our lives when we were dating. In fact, Nick proposed to me there.

Winter - Okay, it's not my favorite season, but it has Christmas in it!

Willow Tree - I collect Willow Tree figurines. I love how simple and beautiful they are.

Waterfalls - always magical to me.

This week's baby email:


Fetal Development This Week
Week 26 of Pregnancy: Baby's Eyes Open
Your baby's eyes — which have been closed for the past few months — are now beginning to open. Your baby's brain-wave activity is also kicking in at this stage in fetal development, which means your little one can not only hear noises but can now also respond to them.
Look who's looking. Your baby's eyes — which have been closed for the past few months (so that the retina, the part of the eye that allows images to come into focus, could develop) — are beginning to open at 26 weeks pregnant. What this means is that your baby is able to see what's going on now (unfortunately the view in your uterus isn't all that exciting). But do try this at home for kicks (baby's that is): Shine a flashlight at your stomach. Your baby might kick in response (as in: "Get that light out of my eyes!"). The iris, the colored part of the eye, still doesn't have much pigmentation (that'll fill in over the next month or two), so it's too early to start guessing your baby's eye color. Even the color your baby will be born with might not be the permanent shade; so you may be kept guessing until your baby is close to six months old.

Look what else is going on this week: Your baby's brain-wave activity is kicking in at this stage in fetal development, which means your little one can not only hear noises but can now also respond to them. Not in so many words, of course, but with an increase in pulse rate or activity.
And talking about activity, at your baby's current height and weight (about nine inches tall and two pounds), and at the rate he or she is growing, your baby will soon be feeling a little cramped in your uterus. Not to worry, there's still plenty of room for your baby to grow. It just means your gymnast will have less room for those somersaults, cartwheels, and other Olympic feats.

Happy 4th of July!

Happy Independence Day, everyone! Today Nick, Morgan, and I are spending time with family. We had a great dinner, and later on we'll shoot off some fireworks. I hope you all enjoy your holiday!

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

It's Gratitude Tuesday again! Today I'm grateful for:

Victory - hard not to be grateful for winning!

Vagina - I sure enjoy mine!

Virginity - this is an underrated possession. I'm happy to be able to say that I gave mine to Nick, 11 years ago on our wedding night.

Velocity - Mary Kay has a line of teen-oriented cosmetics called Velocity. At a friend's Mary Kay party I won a Velocity tinted lip gloss that was the most perfect shade ever for me. Unfortunately they quit carrying the shade, which seems to happen to lots of products I love. About a year ago I found one tube of it at a flea market where a lady was getting out of the business and selling her (new, unused) stock. Since then I've found some of it online, and I plan to order more as soon as I can!

Violets - a lovely little flower!

Visa - okay, I try to avoid putting things on the credit card, but my Visa Debit Card goes with me everywhere!

Veracity - there's something to be said for honesty!

Vacation - we just had the very best best vacation ever!

Things have been much better for me on the DD front since we got home. There's been no spanking, which is fine, but Nick has just been wonderful. He helped me get the house in pretty good shape on Sunday night. One thing I talked to him about on the way home from Texas is that I just needed to feel like he would hold me accountable, which he has been good about doing. He asked me to work on our bedroom yesterday when I got home, and when he got home he made sure that I remembered what he had asked me to do, and that I did it! I just feel more secure - it's amazing what a difference such a small change can make!

And this week's baby email:

Fetal Development This Week
Week 25 of Pregnancy: Baby's Lung Development
Your baby is about nine inches long and more than a pound and a half in weight this week. And don't look now (as if you could), but your baby's skin is turning pinker as small blood vessels form under the skin and fill with blood. Lungs and nostrils are also growing at this stage of fetal development.
At nine inches and more than a pound and a half in weight, your baby is taller than two juice boxes stacked one on top of the other, and almost as heavy as four of those little boxes (an analogy you'll find particularly apropos in a few years, when those juice boxes start taking over your refrigerator, your pantry, your car.…). Don't look now (as if you could), but your baby's skin is turning pinker. No, not because he or she's getting overheated (in fact, the amniotic fluid is perfectly climate controlled, keeping your baby at an always comfortable temperature), but because small blood vessels, called capillaries, are forming under the skin and filling with blood. Later this week, blood vessels will also develop in your baby's lungs, bringing them one step closer to full maturity — and one step closer to taking that first breath of fresh air. But at 25 weeks pregnant, those lungs are still very much works in progress. Though they are already beginning to develop surfactant, a substance that will help the lungs expand after the baby is born, the lungs are still too undeveloped to sufficiently send oxygen to the bloodstream and release carbon dioxide when he or she exhales.

On the road again...

Sadly our time in Texas has come to an end. We're on our way home again. We had a fabulous time, and I'd love to do it again sometime.

Nick and I had a pretty good anniversary date. His sisters kept Morgan for us and we had dinner and a movie. We saw The Proposal, which was utterly predictable, but a fun date night movie. I did initiate a conversation with him about DD. Did we accomplish anything? I don't know, maybe. We're going to try the journal thing like PK and her Nick do, so perhaps that will help. Anyway, we'll see.

The Week So Far

Whew! I can't believe it's already Thursday! Tuesday we went grocery shopping, and Nick bought me a couple of gifts. Our 11th anniversary is tomorrow, but he couldn't wait to give them to me! First of all he got me a wallet that I really wanted. It looks a lot like this, but solid green instead of patterned.

AND...he bought me a new iPod Nano! Obviously this was my big gift, and very unexpected. He bought me the first generation Nano for Mother's Day a few years ago when they came out, and I loved it, but it was only a 2 GB, which holds about 450-500 songs. Because I always had a bunch of Disney type stuff on there for Morgan to listen to in the car, I never had room for all the stuff I wanted. This one is an 8 GB, so I have plenty of room, plus I got to give my old one to Morgan to keep (which she was thrilled with)! AND it's pink!

Yesterday we went to San Antonio and got to see the Alamo. That was really neat, just being there where so much history took place. Then we stopped at an outlet mall on the way back and I got Nick a wallet that he really loved and a pair of shoes he really wanted as my anniversary gifts to him. Today is Kate's birthday, so we got up and fixed breakfast for her, and we'll all be going out to eat later on. Tomorrow the plan is to leave Morgan with his sisters so that we can enjoy an anniversary dinner out by ourselves.

I really appreciate all the comments and advice on just talking to him. Unfortunately there's just not been an opening. Honestly there's just no way to bring it up, and I don't want to bother him with it in our vacation.

 

It's weird, because I can talk to him about anything else in the world, and it's not like this is an entirely new topic for us, but I just can't broach the subject with him. I guess I feel like I've posted about it here so many times (many of them recently) and had so many conversations about it with him in the past, not to mention written him so many letters and emails about it that he knows what I need - if he doesn't respond to that, then he just doesn't want to, and I'd rather live with the need unmet than bring it up and cause stress between us with no good in the end. It just seems like bringing it up again is beating a dead horse. I love my husband madly, and we have a great marriage - if the DD thing doesn't happen, I guess it just doesn't happen. Anyway, I'm off to swim!

Gratitude Tuesday

I'm feeling a little better. I appreciate all the comments. I think that a spanking is just not going to happen no matter what I do, so I'm going to just reign in my insecurities and quit being so damn needy. There's absolutely no point in ruining a perfectly good vacation. But anyway, it's Gratitude Tuesday!

Today I'm grateful for:

Underwear
Up
Upside-down
Uninhibited
Until
Useful
Unique
USA
Umbrellas

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

Unrest

I'm feeling a little out of sorts tonight. We're here in Texas, and the vacation is going pretty well. We're enjoying time with Nick's sisters (his other sister is visiting too), as well as our niece and new nephew. The house is amazing, truly gorgeous, and the setting is picture perfect.

So what has me so out of sorts? Just pregnancy hormones I'm sure. I admit that I'm dealing with a little bit of ugly jealously here. For what they spent on their TV for the game room here we could pay off a huge chunk of our bills and I could stay home with the baby. Or for what they spent on their front door. Or their patio furniture. Or their nursery furniture, or the artwork on the walls. And I know that all of these feelings are childish and ugly and beneath me, and that my life is so much more blessed than hers in so many ways (for instance, I don't have to fight a piece of crap ex-husband over custody issues). So I'll get over it. I just needed to vent here.

The other thing that has me kind of down is the whole DD situation, or rather the lack thereof. I realized that today marks 6 months since the last time he cared enough to punish me for something. Saturday will be 5 months since he spanked me for anything at all. So what is so upsetting all of a sudden? Well, the trip here was a long, hard one. We left at 10 PM EST on Friday and finally arrived at 5:30 AM CST Sunday. Except for about 8 hours at a hotel Saturday morning, all of that was in the car with very little sleep for anyone but Morgan.

When we got here we all crashed into bed. Unfortunately, Morgan popped right back up 3 hours later begging me to swim. I was absolutely wrung out, no patience left, and after 45 minutes of telling her "Not yet!" every five minutes, I got out of bed and stalked to the bathroom to take a shower. The last straw for me though was when I tried to get clean underwear out of my suitcase and the zipper got stuck. I was literally in tears when Nick woke up and told me to get in the shower and he'd get it. I told him no. Several times.

Eventually I gave up and did go get in the shower. But I can count on one hand the number of times in our whole marriage when I've told him no when he's told me to do something, even before we began DD. It's just not something I do. So when I got out of the shower I apologized to Morgan for being so impatient, then privately to Nick for losing my temper with the suitcase and telling him no. And he told me to go to bed while he watched Morgan and we would deal with it later.

So I went to bed thinking "Is he serious? He's really going to call me on this and not let it go?" And it was SO what I needed. Now we were here alone with Morgan the whole day, because Nick's sister Kate and her husband Will had to leave as soon as we arrived. Nick's other sister Kelly was flying in to a city three hours away, as was Nick's niece Kit, who was spending Father's Day with her dad, and they both had to be picked up and brought here to the lake house. So I thought surely we would have time to address the issue. Morgan even cooperated by falling asleep pretty early. But...nothing. Not even a mention. Tonight I asked him if he was still mad at me for getting so upset over the suitcase and he didn't even remember what I was talking about. So I guess it just goes away after all. And I'm not too terribly surprised. I just have to work through it each time it happens. Anyway, it's 2:30 in the morning here, so I'm going to try to go back to bed.

On the road

Nick, Morgan and I had dinner in New Orleans tonight. We were only in the city for about an hour and a half, but it was really neat to have the experience. Now we're headed west toward Austin to visit Nick's sister and her husband and kids. Have a great week!

Gratitude Tuesday

Happy Gratitude Tuesday! Today we celebrate the letter T:

Tracy - me, of course! Actually I'm very grateful for my name. I've never been a person who wished she was named something else, although when I was about 11 I tried to launch a phase of having people call me T.C., my first and middle initials. :)

T - I also have two brothers who start with T, and Morgan's real name is a T name.

Trouble - of some sorts anyway.

Tea - my very favorite drink, syrupy sweet with lots of ice. Unfortunately it's on my restricted list right now.

Television - I don't watch a whole lot of TV myself, but I have to admit, sometimes some mindless entertainment is just the ticket.

Taste - how boring would life be without a sense of taste?

Texas - Nick's sister and brother-in-law live in Texas, and we'll be visiting them there next week. I'm not looking terribly forward to the 17 hour drive, but I am looking forward to meeting our brand new nephew and hanging out at their lake house for the week.

Telephone - some days, I wish the telephone didn't exist, but that's only because I work on the phone. Most of the time though I appreciate not only the convenience of it in my personal life, but the job security at work.

Tenderness - I do love it when Nick shows me how tender he can be with me...and just how tender he can leave my butt!

Toyota - I drive a Toyota Camry, and it's one of the best cars I've ever had!

Towels - big fluffy ones only please!

Trust - I trust my husband, and I don't take for granted how valuable that is.

Tents - we all love to go camping. In fact, we're pretty sure that Morgan was conceived in a tent!

Turtles - I like turtles. I'm not sure why, but I really, really do.

Tuesday - a day for gratitude!

Treasure - boy, who wouldn't love a big old chest full of gold doubloons?

Today, tonight, tomorrow - all brimming with possibilities.

Taffy - yummy saltwater taffy!

Taffy Tickler - yummy vibrator!

Twizzlers - I looooove Twizzlers!

Trucks - Nick has always been a truck guy. Someday he'll have another one.

Toilets - better than the alternative (a bush)

Toilet paper - much better than the alternative (a pinecone)!

Thunderstorms - I've always enjoyed a good thunderstorm.

Thumbs - how useful are those babies?

Torque - if you've ever driven a sports car, you know how important this is.

Trees - what a beautiful world we live in, and trees are a big part of it!

Taken In Hand - what a terrific concept!

Twins - my dad is a twin, and I'm sure grateful for him!

Toothpaste - boy am I glad we have this!

And now I'm pretty...TIRED! Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

Oh yeah, and my baby email for the week:

Week 23 of Pregnancy
Baby is getting (a little) plumper, but Mommy may notice something completely different when she glances at her own belly: the linea nigra.If you're suddenly sporting a dark line down the middle of your tummy, say hello to the linea nigra. That line has actually always been there, but you probably never noticed it until pregnancy hormones caused hyperpigmentation (the same phenomenon that may have darkened your areolas and the area around your forehead and cheeks). Other (less than delightful) skin changes on your body may include red palms and soles, bluish blotchy legs, heat rash, and skin tags. In happier news, you're now in your sixth month and your baby is about to chub up a bit. His saggy skin will start to fit his frame as fat deposits fill things out. Beginning this week, he'll start to pack on the pounds (which means you will, too!) and by month's end he'll be double the weight he is now (though you won't be — whew!). Right now, your baby's organs and bones are visible through his skin, which has a red hue due to developing veins and arteries beneath. But once those fat deposits settle in, he'll become less transparent, too.

Gratitude Tuesday

Happy Gratitude Tuesday! Lots of good ones today...

Spanking - this one wasn't too obvious, was it?

Sex - we had some rather yummy sex last night, as a matter of fact.

Seven - my favorite number

Sense - of the common variety

Silence - ah, so golden!

Silver - one of my favorite precious metals.

Spoons - oh so handy!

Spooning - oh so yummy!

Sand - because it often means a beach!

Sea - also often found near sand.

Silicone - the material of some of my favorite implements!

Second chances - what would we do without these?

Silliness - a little can make the day go much better!

Sun - ahhhhhhh...

Sweets - I definitely have a sweet tooth!

Salvation - I'm grateful for mine every single day, and it's free for everyone!

Sales - pretty hard to resist for me!

Sundays - we can all use a day of rest!

Sunglasses - I wear mine every day.

Simplicity - sometimes it's the very best option.

Soap - it would be a pretty dirty world without it!

Swings - on a porch or on a playground, fun and relaxing either way!

Shoes - I LOVE shoes!

Siestas - ah, what's better than an afternoon nap?

Snuggling - I'm definitely a snuggler.

Showers - hot showers, rain showers, wedding showers, baby showers - they're all nice!

Snow - always magical to me.

Spring - such a time of renewal!

Summer - school's out! School's out!

Soreness when sitting - mmmmmm!

In baby news, this is the weekly email that came in today:

Week 22 of Pregnancy:

Baby's Hair Growth. Your baby has finally broken the one-pound mark. The eyelashes and eyebrows are well formed now — and even more hair is sprouting atop that cute little head. But hair at this stage of fetal development has no pigment, so it's bright white.

Guess what? At 22 weeks pregnant, your baby has finally broken the one-pound mark. How heavy is that? Hold a one-pound box of sugar in your hand the next time you're in the grocery story (and expect people to ask you why you're grinning from ear to ear). Is the box eight inches long? That's about the length your baby is too! This week, your sweetie is making more sense of the world as he or she develops the sense of touch. In fact, your little one's grip is quite developed by now — and since there's nothing else to grab in utero, he or she may sometimes hold on tight to that umbilical cord (don't worry — it's tough enough to handle it). The sense of sight is also getting more developed. Your fetus can now perceive light and dark much better than before (even with those fused eyelids). But remember — unless you're shining a flashlight over your belly (which you can do, by the way), it'll be mostly dark for your baby inside that cozy womb of yours. Moving up from the eyes, the eyelashes and eyebrows are well formed now — and even more hair is sprouting atop that cute little head. You'd be quite surprised, though, if you could see your little one up close and in color. Hair at this stage of fetal development has no pigment, so it's bright white.

My little peanut is a whole pound! Her nursery set came yesterday, and I got to pick it up at my parents' house today. She's kicking like crazy lately, and I'm loving it! It's hard to believe she'll be here in four months!

Gratitude Tuesday

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

R - there are a few R things that I can't spell out here. One of my best friends has an R name. So does Nick's dear sweet sister. And our last name begins with R. Unless something vastly unexpected happens and we someday have a son, Nick will be the last of his line - that makes me a little sad, but I'm very, very grateful to have been able to marry into this wonderful family.

Red - one of my favorite colors for many reasons.

Rain - I love the rain, watching it, listening to it, even dancing in it. Although I could do without driving in it!

Rainbows - what beautiful promises!

Riches - nope, not financial riches, although I'd be lying if I said I would turn them down. I mean the kind of riches I'm blessed with in my husband, daughters, family, and friends!

Rules - okay, sometimes I chafe against them, but for the most part they make me feel safe, and I'm always glad when Nick enforces them.

Religious freedom - I am a Christian, and I make no secret of it. I am grateful every day that I live in a country where I have the freedom to worship without fear of reprisal.

Resurrection - without it, Jesus' gift on the cross would have been meaningless.

Relaxation - who doesn't need more of this?!

Reading - I've always loved to read, and I hope that someday Morgan and her sister enjoy it as much as I do.

In baby news, my blood pressure has continued to be an issue. My doctor raised my medication dosage again today and that seems to have helped. The baby is really starting to kick noticeably, and I feel her every day now. We're working on getting her room ready, and trying to make a list of everything we'll need. We've decide to do her room in pink and brown, and my parents sweetly offered to order this set for it a few days ago. It should be here next week, and I can't wait to get it!

Anyway, Happy Gratitude Tuesday!