A New View

So here's how my thoughts have been running for the last month or so:

Back when I got spanked (and spanked, and spanked, and...) for the car fiasco, there was a moment, just a moment, when Nick got pretty exasperated with the whole thing. Now when I say "the whole thing", I don't mean me being an idiot and driving the clutch out of my car. I mean the whole DD thing. And when I say "pretty exasperated", I don't mean that he said so much as one word along the lines of this being silly, or played out, or any of that. It was just a tone of voice, just a fleeting expression when I asked if we would be continuing our little lesson on listening that night. "Yes, honey - I haven't forgotten."

But I know my husband pretty well, and that one nuance ripped the veil of sincerity off the whole punishment for me. So I decided, all by my lonesome, that once I was through this, I was going to just let the whole of DD die a quiet death. For oh, the entire time he's been spanking me, I've been partly or completely convinced that if I never brought it up again, neither would he. I didn't want anything about our marriage to be a sham, and I just wasn't going to force it on us any more.

And I've been through the whole I'll-make-the-sacrifice-and-give-this-up-because-it's-just-not-him bit. But that's the thing. I always felt it as a sacrifice. And this time was different. This time I had almost brought myself around to where I could live at peace with it. It became a vision of not just an easier life for him, but an easier, less dramatic life for me as well. I decided that I could live quite well without the emotional roller coaster of wondering every time it came up if I was being too much for him. I realized I could save money by not bringing home one more implement or pervertable that might not ever get used. I began to completely avoid the kitchen and school supplies aisles at Wal-Mart.

I kept quiet on the blog to give things time to settle down, to ease the whole possibility out of his mind, because every time I blog about spanking, it's like a big neon sign for him that says "HEY! YOUR WIFE LIKES SPANKING! GET ON THAT, WILL YA?!"

And I was doing pretty well. The pull was easing off. I wasn't automatically diving off into fantasyland every time I saw his belt threaded through the belt loops of his jeans. I quit looking for that certain meaningful Look in his eyes whenever he asked me if I would do some laundry. And I had gotten very good at checking any sneaky remaining impulses by quietly reminding myself that "things are different now - you're done with this."

Oh, I didn't plan to give up being a spanko, as if that's even a possibility. I was going to keep my blog, keep posting little spanko stuff I found, once the new normal had a strong enough grip to keep him from feeling obligated by it. I was going to keep putting myself to sleep with memories of spankings past and fantasies of spankings never realized. And there was always going to be the occasional spanking in bed, which I would definitely appreciate, but certainly never ask for.

I was playing an old familiar game of let's-see-how-long-he-goes-without-bringing-it-up, but this time it was with an eye toward reaching some magic date of DD eradication rather than a childish tally of how many days I could stuff down my needs. And for me this quiet goal was hovering around my birthday. If I could only make it to the 17th and past the implied expectation of a birthday spanking, I would be mostly there. And if I could carry it two more days, I could silently celebrate two full months since my last punishment. I had done my mourning and made peace with my new perfectly normal life.

Then on Sunday night, right before bed, he stretched and yawned and said, "We have something we're going to take care of tomorrow night." Well, crap. Now what was this all about? What it was all about was the laundry that had been sitting in the den clean and folded (by him) for a month or so. Granted, part of it had been put up and I had also added new clean clothes to the pile, but I had told him I would put it all away. But seriously, now, just when I was getting comfortable with my new viewpoint? So I very casually said, "Okay. I'm going to go on up to bed." Just like he hadn't totally undermined a month of reconditioning of my little spanko brain. And I went to bed wondering how in the heck I was going to get past this wrinkle... and fuming because as I climbed under the covers my stomach was flipping and the rest of my body was rebelling by reacting in those familiar and apparently not so decimated ways.

By Monday afternoon I had convinced myself that if I played it low key enough, he might very well just forget. It wouldn't have been the first time, and it would be even easier to let it slip by the next evening. So I very deliberately made no reference to his announcement of the night before. In fact, I didn't even put up the laundry, so afraid was I that it would trigger his memory and his sense of duty.

It was getting late, and I was feeling pretty confident when he turned to me and said, "We have something to take care of." And though my brain was racing furiously, I couldn't come up with a thing to say, so much so that when he brought out the Cane-IAC Jr with holes, I just sat in my chair looking thoughtful.

"Trying to figure out some way to talk me out of this?" he asked. "No," I answered slowly, coming up hard on the realization that I was going to have to let him in on my new viewpoint after all. Immediately following that bit of enlightenment was the sudden sure knowlege that however sincere I was, it was all going to sound pretty suspect in the face of a hard paddling. But I tried. I stumbled around and muttered something along the lines of, "Well, it's just - see, I've been thinking - I mean, I kind of thought maybe it was time that we just let this go. I mean, not the laundry, the whole thing. You've given me, well, it's been almost five years, and I kind of thought we were done with this."

"Who told you that?" he asked, one eyebrow raised.

"Well, it's, I mean, this is kind of silly."

"What this is, is you standing up and getting a spanking. Now come on."

"Seriously, Nick, I'm not trying to get out of this, I just don't - "

"Now."

So I got up, and realized all of a sudden that whatever my grand notions, Nick's place as head of the house had taken on a whole new reality for me. He really was mad about the laundry. This wasn't something he was doing in response to any sort of cue from me. He actually meant this.

And then I realized, uh, there was actually going to be a spanking. It turns out that the only thing about me that had truly embraced life without discipline was my bottom. 6o swats turned into 80 turned into somewhere just over 100 because my poor, out-of-practice backside wouldn't stay put. And I was crying in the first 25 swats, tears that lasted and increased through the spanking and the 15 minutes afterwards when I had to stare at the laundry and think about why I'd been punished.

When it was all over, I tried to explain to him that I had meant what I said, that if he wanted to just go back to life without DD, I wouldn't be mad at him. And I tried to explain what started it all for me, that little moment back a month and a half ago and how I didn't want it if it wasn't going to be real. What he told me was that he doesn't want to play games, but that there are times (like with the laundry) when he really does see a spanking as the best option. He doesn't see everything as a punishment issue that I do, but he's happy with having the option to spank me if I need it, and "the dog isn't going back in its cage."

"But I just don't want this to be something you do just for me."

"It's not," he assured me. "It's something I do for me too. Things work better for us this way, and we're not going to stop doing it. It's not your choice, and this is how it's going to be from now on."

The rest of the night was lovely, no more tears, although there were certainly some loud cries of passion. Today I'm still sore and pretty bruised too, but I feel like this has finally become really genuine for me and for us. Oh, and I put that laundry up yesterday!

Still alive...

Hey, guys. Not much going on here lately, so I've not posted much. Life is going okay, kind of tight financially, but otherwise pretty smooth sailing. The new-to-me car is doing great, work is going okay, Morgan's doing well in school. I have one more week to work till my next vacation. We won't be doing much, but I'm looking forward to the time off. Nick is thinking he may put in for his vacation pay but still work most of the week to help us get caught up on things, but maybe we'll get a day or two alone in there.



Can you believe it's only 11 1/2 weeks till Christmas? I don't even want to think about it! Once upon a time I started my shopping in August, but that's tough to do these days. One positive note is that I have the week of Christmas off this year, so I'll have time to put together some homemade food gifts. Last year I had to work all week and I made hard candy for a lot of our non-immediate family gifts - about killed myself! I think this year I'll do jar recipes. We got one of these one year and loved it! And I just so happen to have a whole collection of jar recipe books that Morgan's school sold for a fundraiser a couple of years ago. There's something for every taste, from soups to cookies, so I know I can cover a lot of people with these. And no watching a boiling pot of candy!


Anyway, that's life for us these days. How are things with you guys?

A meme and happy news

First of all, the happy news: I won a trip to Hawaii! My boss at work entered me into a contest without actually telling me, so I was quite surprised to learn a few weeks ago that I had made it to the finals of this contest I didn't know existed! Then, about a week ago, I got a call from the company hosting the contest telling me I was the big winner! I don't want to go into detail about the contest, because it featured my real name and location, but it had to do with stories about experiences in my industry.

Anyway, there was this big drama about whether or not my company would approve me to accept the prize. They have rules about accepting gifts worth over $100 from affiliates, and it seemed kind of touch and go for a few days. I mean, I really wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't afford to lose my job over it. The final word came down today that everything was approved! Yippee!

It's going to be just Nick and me - an honest to goodness romantic couple trip! My mom is going to watch Morgan for us. She's letting her bring the puppy, and we're going to set up a week of fun stuff for her to do, like a Build-A-Bear day, an ice cream day, an adopt a baby doll day, etc. We hope to go in March after we get our income tax return.

Anyhoo, here's a meme I stole from some pretty darn cool bloggers:

1) If your ex REALLY needed you at 3 am, would you go to his/her house?

Um, no.

2) When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?

Almost every day at work

3) What are the last three things you spent money on?

Gas, stuff at Wal-mart, lunch

4) What was the last thing you cried about?

I cried in church on Sunday just feeling how very much God loves me.

5) Could you go a day without eating?

Yes, but I sure wouldn’t be happy about it.

6)Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a J?

Yes

7)Do you smoke weed regularly?

Nope, never have

8)Has anyone ever told you they're in love with you?

Yep!

9) When was the last time you were disappointed?

When I realized I was supposed to switch cars with Nick today so he could take mine to get detailed, but I forgot.

10) Has a girl ever seriously punched you?

Nope

11) What was the last thing you put in your mouth?

A straw

12) Have you kissed two different people in one night?

Many years ago

13) How easy is it for others to make you feel awkward?

Not nearly as easy as it used to be.

14) Are you taller than 5'4"?

Yep, I'm 5'10"

15) In the past week have you felt stupid?

Yes, this morning when Nick emailed me to ask me why I didn't leave him my car! (But that wasn't because he made me feel stupid).

16) What's the age difference between you and the last person you kissed?

23 years - oh, you mean that kind of kiss? 18 months.

17) Have you ever been outside completely naked?

Yep, many times.

18) What would happen if you had a baby with the last person you kissed?

I would jump for joy!

19) Who did you text the most yesterday?

I didn't text anyone yesterday.

20) What were you doing at 10pm Friday night?

I was probably playing on the computer.

21) What are your plans for today?

At this point, take a shower and go to bed!

22) Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

It would be hard, but I sure hope so. Smoking is something I've struggled with on and off for years.

23) What was the last reason you went to the doctor for?

To find out that I have PCOS

24)What is the last thing you yelled aloud?

Probably my daughter's name

25) What do you think of when you think of Australia?

Lost

26) Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?

Yes

27) Have you ever kissed the last person you text?

Maybe. I don't remember who it was!

28) What's one action you do when you're really nervous?

Say stupid stuff

29) Would you rather give up the computer or the TV?

TV

30) Do you find yourself saying mean things to people over the internet that you wouldn't say to their face?

Nope, I don’t say mean things to people on the internet.

31) One word that explains perfectly how you feel at the moment?

Tired

32) What did the last text message you received say?

Seriously don't remember

33) Do you care if people hate you for no reason?

I don't think anyone does, but I don't think it would bother me too much. I can't waste time on people like that.

34) How hard is your life right now?

Financially pretty hard, but we're working hard to change that, and everything else is blessed!

35) Have you ever taken anyone for granted?

I'm afraid so, but I try hard not to.

Yay!

I got a new car today! Well, new to me, but still pretty new. It's a 2007 Toyota Camry, and I am SO happy with it! We traded Nick's truck for it, which we were thrilled to be able to do. He had a big old V8 Dodge, and it was costing him about $20 a day to get to work and back. It held about $85 worth of gas, and that lasted him all of 4 days. We've been looking for a while, but we couldn't find anything that would work with our budget since nobody wanted to give him enough to pay off his truck on a trade.

We've really been praying about it though, and this just fell in our laps. Our payments went down, we got a newer, lower mileage vehicle which will hold its value much better, our insurance cost has gone down, and we will be saving a TON on gas! And I love, love, LOVE this car! Nick will be driving my Xterra, which he likes a lot, and which also gets a lot better mileage than his truck did. I think he was a little sad to see his truck go, but this was his idea and his decision, and I'm so proud of the deal and the interest rate he got!

Thank you so much, baby!

This isn't my car, but it looks just like this:

My dream came true!

Thank you all for your comments yesterday. It helps to know that others have not forgotten.

On another topic, Nick was home sick yesterday. I didn't know this, because my phone is a piece of crap, and I didn't get his text message. So I had no idea that he had taken the day off from work and spent it at home. Anyway, when I got home, I noticed the garage looked very nice. This was in great part because the massive, unconquerable pile of laundry had been, well, conquered. He did ALL the laundry! Washed, folded, and mostly put away! Plus he has straightened up some other areas in the house. How lucky am I, huh?

Thank you, baby, for being so amazing, even when you're not feeling well!

Never Forget

Sigh...

...but then I woke up.

MySpace

So I finally took the plunge and created an AngelBrat MySpace profile. Come be my friend!

myspace.com/angelbrat454

Not much going on...

Hey, guys. Kind of boring here lately. Let's see, what's going on in my life?

Ummmm....

Not much, it seems.

Work has been unpleasantly busy. Nick and I always know that a busy day for him is good (since he works on commission), and a busy day for me is bad (since I don't get paid by the number of calls I take).

We finally had enough money to get tires for Nick's bike, but we're still trying to come up with the money to actually get them mounted and balanced, so for now he's still driving the gas guzzler truck at $17 a day to get to work and back. I know, I know, mounting the tires on the bike would pay for itself in gas money, but not, unfortunately, in one paycheck, which is what we would need right now.

Only 35 days till my next vacation!

It turns out that the roughly $900 we were expecting from the court settlement was a "total sent so far" figure, not an amount that had gone astray somewhere. So we got $175 the other day (thus the new bike tires), and have no promise of anything more.

Morgan is doing really well in school this year.

The chaos in my house is taking on a life of its own. I have to clean!

My parents bought a used pontoon boat last week, so we got to spend a pretty fun day on it last Monday.

We've been doing a food program for a few months now where we purchase discounted groceries. If you've never heard of Angel Food Ministries, I highly recommend you check it out. It's a fantastic deal, anyone can do it, and I'm pretty excited about this month's menu!

And now Nick and I are off to help my brother and his girlfriend close the deal on a good used car for her. Have a great weekend!

Finally a long weekend!

Hey guys. How's everything going? This have been hectic here. We went to Texas for the wedding last weekend, and it was great fun, although for what they spent on the wedding we could probably pay off our house, not to mention both cars and the bike. Oh well, not my life. Nick and Morgan did just fine on the plane, and even want to fly again. It sucked majorly to have to come back Sunday evening and then be back at work 13 hours later, but at least we have a long weekend now.

I got a freaking speeding ticket the other day. For going 45 in a 40! Seriously, that's not speeding. Unfortunately the cop didn't see it that way. Nick wasn't happy about it, but he didn't show any inclination to spank for it either, which to be honest, very much surprised me. Last time I got a speeding ticket he made me feel every dollar of the fine, but these things are up to him, so I guess that's how it is.

Last night my mom kept Morgan overnight. Nick and I went and had dinner and visited a couple of toy shops in search of a the Kama Sutra Love Oils and the Taffy Tickler so highly recommended by Grace and Eva. Sadly the Taffy Tickler was nowhere to be found, and although we finally found the Love Oils, it was a package deal of all the flavors, and the $45 price tag was a bit out of our budget this week. We did, however replace my much loved Hustler Cyberflick Egg Vibrator. We had a lovely evening breaking it in!

Now we're headed off to the cabin for Nick's family's annual Labor Day weekend fish fry. Have a great weekend!

Happy Hump Day!

All done

Well, I'm finally done being spanked for the whole car issue. Nick actually let me have a pass last night because my bottom was so tender. It was bruised from Saturday's paddling, and Sunday's left it pretty flaming red. But tonight he got the paddle back out and gave me my final 25 swats. Spankers, if you're looking for a good, inexpensive, relatively lightweight, yet very effective implement, the Cane-IAC Jr paddle is it. I can say with authority, it will get your point across. You can pick it up with or without holes, in maple or oak, or even in a very pretty pink for under $17.00. Plus, with Cane-IAC's new Dollars For Toys Program, the more you buy, the more you save. In fact, here in a few weeks when things settle down for us financially, Nick has given me permission to put my credit towards a pink one. They also have a very neat Misfit Toys section where you can purchase discontinued or slight imperfect (but still very high quality!) items at a discounted price. I've got my eye on a few goodies there too.

Speaking of finances, I would really appreciate it if those of you who pray could say a prayer for us. Back in November there was an incident where a neighbor girl stole a car and wrecked it in our front yard, totalling Nick's Suburban. When we went to court over it we won a judgement against her of $4100.00. She was supposed to get a job and send us (through the court) $400 a month. That was in January, and we've gotten all of $875. A few months ago her mom regained custody of her, and she moved to a nearby town and got a new job and a new parole officer. A couple of weeks ago Nick went to talk to our neighbor to see if he knew anything about why we're not getting the payments. This is the girl's uncle who, along with his wife (the girl's mom's sister) had custody of her at the time of the wreck. He called his mother-in-law (the girl's grandmother), and she said that they've sent about $900 in money orders payable to Nick to the courthouse in the town she now lives in, and they assumed they were being passed on.

So Nick has been trying to get in touch with the lady at the DA's office in our town for the last two weeks to find out where the money is, but he can't seem to get her to return his calls, and because the girl is a minor, they won't let us call her parole officer directly. $900 is a huge amount of money to us right now. Not only do we have to pay for my clutch, but the tires on his motorcycle (which he's had to ride every day since I've had his truck) are dangerously worn, plus we need to pay for Morgan's school books, and this trip to Texas is going to cost us some too. Despite Nick's sister's much appreciated generosity in paying for the plane tickets and hotel, we are still going to have to come up with money for a car rental as well as a wedding gift. We also have some family birthdays that have been put on the back burner. This last has been met with great understanding, but we still feel bad about not being able to come up with at least a small gift for each. On top of all of that, Nick is going to have to miss a day of work for the wedding, and our bills are all at the point where they need to be paid right now.

Anyway, I know that God has a plan and a provision for all this, and we would really appreciate your prayers.

Ouuuuch!

Oh my goodness was it awful last night! And I only got 26 swats, and they weren't even that hard. But my bottom was already very sore. When I went to the bathroom after it was over it literally hurt to pull my panties down. I'm not really looking forward to another one tonight. Hopefully the parts will be in tomorrow!

A Roaring Start

I've been getting spanked. Rather hard, actually. It seems that every time we make a fresh start with DD, so to speak, I manage to screw up right off the bat. I honestly don't mean to, but there you have it. This time it was about my car.

For about a month now the clutch in my car has been going bad. A week ago yesterday Nick told me it probably didn't need to be driven again. The next day he was going on a motorcycle ride with some friends after church, so we drove in separately. He left before Morgan and I did, and not really thinking about it, I hopped in my car. I got almost there before the clutch failed completely. Right in the middle of an intersection.

I managed to pray my way across the intersection and into the parking lot of a restaurant, where I called him in the middle of church. (Church was well started by this time as my car wouldn't get above 40 mph on the way to breaking down). So he had to come back on his bike, go all the way home and get his truck, then come get the two of us. He took us all back home and left for his bike ride, and Morgan and I took his truck back to church for the second service.

When he got home that night he took me to the garage and pulled out one of his awful ceiling fan blade paddles. Now to look at a ceiling fan blade, you wouldn't think it would be very sturdy. Actually you might think it would snap on the first swat. But you'd be sadly mistaken. (I was). These things HURT! I guess they're made from, I don't know, kryptonite or something, probably because they have to put up with the stress of being spun around rapidly for hours at a time, moving air around a room. They're also loud. It sounded like he was detonating m80s on my bottom. It kind of felt like that too.

Then he decided that he was going to spank me every night until the car gets fixed. Unfortunately this has been a crazy week, so honestly the first opportunity for the next spanking was last night. That meant that I got to get six days worth in one spanking. Fortunately when he spanks for several days for the same thing, he usually does somewhere between 20 and 50, so I wasn't looking at an hour's worth of paddling.

BUT, I also managed to upset him a bit at Target. I bought a few things. Really and truly not very much, only about $15 worth. But I didn't actually ask him (but to be fair, he was right there, and he didn't say no!). But anyway, this figured into the spanking also, and I ended up getting somewhere around 250 swats. Part of that was also because I moved. Oh, and he used the new Cane-IAC paddle, the one they so graciously sent us to replace the one we broke. Let me tell you, this paddle is EFFECTIVE! Um, I think it's become a favored replacement for him for his beloved fish paddle (which, by the way, is out of commission since the last spanking I posted about). He seems to have an affinity for maple. If you're looking for a good sturdy toy for a very reasonable price, I highly recommend this one!

Anyway, I'm sitting pretty tender right now, and since the parts to fix my car won't be in for another few days, I've got more to look forward to.

In other news, we will be getting on a plane to Texas this Friday to go to Nick's sister's wedding. I didn't think we would be able to attend, but she ended up paying for plane ticket's and hotel rooms for her whole immediate family so that we could all be there. Nick and Morgan have never flown, and it's been pre-9/11 since I have, so we're all a little nervous, but excited too.

Hope you guys have a great week!

A Clean Slate

Tonight we did some talking. Okay, last night I was feeling a little frustrated. He read the letter, he said he was going to make some changes, and then, well, nothing as far as I could tell. He hadn't even offered to take care of the long-promised spanking for who the heck knows what after three weeks or so.

I have a (very much vanilla) myspace account, and as most if you probably know, myspace has a place to list your mood. So, feeling a little blue, I listed mine as "not really too surprised." This did not go unnoticed. I had fallen asleep by the time he saw it, so he woke me up, or rather tried to. But I was too tired to make much sense of what he was saying, so he just dropped it for then.

But tonight we talked. He told me that he really wasn't sure what I wanted, because I wasn't doing anything he needed to spank me for. He told me he wanted some laundry done, so I did some laundry. I had dinner made, a pitcher of tea waiting, and the kitchen clean when he came home. Was he supposed to punish me for that? Okay, so I could see his point there, but what about the spanking he had already promised me? The conversation got to be kind of emotional on my part and frustrated on his, and finally he just dragged me in the house and grabbed the evil fish paddle.

It wasn't a long spanking, but it did rather settle me down. And after I'd had time to stop crying and rejoin him on the porch, he apologized for letting things go with the other spanking. And he told me that he's willing to try to make this work for me/us, and that we were starting with a clean slate. And I promised I'll try to tell him when I'm reaching a crisis point with my stress if he will also try to keep an eye out for it himself.

So that's where we are right now. It's a good place to start.

I SO want this!

Of course I'm still waiting on Nick to help me test our other Cane-IAC stuff. But how can I resist a PINK paddle!? And it's only $15.95!

Perhaps...

So Nick read my last post. And he said that he understands it and plans to make some changes, strengthen some boundaries, and set down a few more rules. So far he's not said anything or done anything more, but maybe things really will be somewhat different. Here's hoping!

A letter to my husband

My Darling Nick,


Hello, sugar. I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for starting a conversation last night and then jumping ship on it. You're right - it does happen every couple of months, and I've been thinking about why. The why is because I still have such a hard time asking you for this, and every couple of months Grace, or Eva, or PK, or somebody else so very much like me has a break-through conversation with her husband and inspires and emboldens me.

So I screw up my courage and try to put a name to the strange and urgent needs within me, and invariably words fail me as soon as I open my mouth.. You probably don't realize it, but every such conversation starts about 10 minutes before I open my mouth. It happens entirely inside my head, and it goes something like this:

"Will you SAY something already?! This has been on your mind for a week!"

"No! I never put things the right way, and I always end up feeling stupid."

"Well, you can't expect him to be a mind reader. If you need his help, you're going to have to tell him."

"But I don't want to be such a hassle for him. I know he loves me and will try whatever I ask, but I also know he'll hate it and feel put upon."

"You don't know that. And it's not fair of you to assume."

"This is going to require me to open me up. And even though it's not his fault, I always end up hurt when we talk about this. He sits there and lets me ramble on and barely responds at all."

"That's because this is not his thing. He can't help it that he's not quivering with joy at the prospect of another awkward conversation about DD. But that doesn't mean he doesn't want to meet your needs."

"I know, but it would just be easier all around to let it go."

"Ah, yes, easier. Then you can just internalize it again. That's really going to help."

Well..."

"Seriously! Just open your mouth and jump right in!"

And so I finally start to say something, and two sentences in I realize that the moment has passed. You're heading off to watch TV, or running to the store, or turning over to go to sleep, and I feel like the equivalent of a phone ringing just as you lock the door behind you.

This, I understand, is not your intention. Nor, to be clear, is it your fault. My timing is unfailingly poor, although this is mainly because I spend all the good moments trying to talk myself into stirring the pot.

It is my fear of being burdensome that leads me to make such statements as in my post a couple of weeks ago; my fear, groundless though you've proven it to be, of finally becoming too much trouble and responsibility for this priceless, cherished, and irreplaceable man I've been blessed with.

And so here, with written word, in the medium in which I am most comfortable and coherent, I'm trying yet again to voice these needs, to speak them more or less aloud, to just get the words out.

I need this from you. I need DD in all its incarnations. I need the spanking, yes, but so much more than that simple act. I need the boundaries, the discipline, the unbreakable walls propping up my frailties. I need lecturing, I need grounding, I need lines, I need the distinct possibility and sometimes reality of a punishment that will last beyond the first round. I need paddlings daily until I finish the task I've been given, time in the corner to think about the spanking I've just had and the fact that there will be more to come in ten minutes' time. I need discipline that gets dished out at the first opportunity, even if that takes arranging, not just discipline when it's convenient and often days past the offense.

But most of that seldom comes up. I try not to give you reason to punish. What I really need most of all is for you to keep your eyes open to spot the signs of my rising stress levels. I need to be made to take care of myself, to be set back on an even keel, to have some sense spanked into me when I start to obsess about my job, the bills, my maddening friends.

And if I can have the latter, I rarely need the former. If I can feel you in charge, know at all times that I can count on you being firm if I need it, then I don't find myself pushing against those boundaries, pulling out that same tired tendency to passive aggressiveness. I need to know that you really believe in your own authority.

So. That's it, I suppose, everything I've been trying to say when I can't seem to say anything at all. Except, well, I love you, and thank you.

Madly, desperately yours,

Tracy

Disappointing news

So I didn't get the job. Actually I applied for two positions, and I didn't get either of them. And while I'm disappointed, I'm kind of frustrated too. The main position was a supervisor spot. And I know that I really would do well in that job and I felt like I had a good shot at it, but I didn't really feel like it was a sure thing. However, the second position I really expected to get. In fact, I almost didn't apply for it, because I was kind of afraid that they might give someone else the supervisor job because I would be so perfect for the other position. The second position is kind of a quasi-supervisor job with a heavy emphasis on new employee training, something I really enjoy and am actually quite good at. There will also be some work doing customer account resolutions, something else I also help out with now.

Actually, I've assisted with training for years, and they've always been happy with my results. A lot of the other duties are also things I currently assist with too. Add to that, my quality and efficiency scores exceed the department guidelines, and I've been with the company (and the department) for almost nine years.

There were two of these secondary positions available, so I was pretty surprised when they went to two people who have been with the company for only three years, one of whom is outspokenly vocal in his criticism of the company (although apparently this never filtered up to management's ears).

Now please understand that I'm not trying to be conceited when I say that I'm more qualified than either of these gentlemen. They are, in fact, decent employees (other than the company-bashing), but neither of them have been trained on the things that the job requires and that I've been doing well for longer than they've worked there. Had the jobs gone to someone with more time and training in, I would have still been disappointed, but I wouldn't have felt like they made a bad decision. They didn't have to pick me - just somebody qualified!

To add insult to injury, my entire next month will be devoted to helping out with the customer resolutions at my current wage, a responsibility they're happy to give me, just not one they're willing to pay me for. Oh yes, and because of this incident, I'm not eligible to apply for jobs outside the department for another 27 days.

Anyway, I went to one of the people who interviewed me, and asked him if he could give me some advice, any suggestions he had for what I can do to improve my chances for future advancement. He had a list of very specific suggestions. Unfortunately, they were all things I'm already doing. He also said that the aforementioned incident wasn't a factor, especially since I've never been written up before in the almost nine years I've been there. So I'm pretty frustrated right now, more than a bit burned out.

Anyway, I know this wasn't a very fun post. I've managed to piss Nick off enough over the house in the last week that there will be a spanking to tell about probably in the next few days, although he's been kind enough to give me some time to me get past my work issues.

Okay, okay, I've gotta post something light, so here are a couple of pictures I took of handlebar tassels when I went to a bike shop with Nick a few days ago. Anybody else see the potential?

Yada, yada, yada

Okay, so I've not been on here much lately. And that's mostly because I've not had anything to post. I mean, this is a spanking blog, right? You guys want to hear all about spankings and lectures and toys and such. Surely you're waiting to hear all about the new Cane-IAC stuff. But here's the honest, unexciting, and perhaps disappointing truth: there is just none of that happening around here. And even worse, I'm pretty okay with that.

What? No spanking and I don't care? What's wrong with me? Surely this is not the same AngelBrat of the last three years?

I guess we're just going through a dry period. And I know I'm not the only one who's been through this. Eva and Grace have been there, I know, and lots of others too. I just don't want it right now. Part of me (that part that wrote the last post) thinks that I really just need a good one to hit my reset button, but when I sit down and think about the actual reality of getting spanked, I just think about how much it hurts, and what a problem it is to find time and privacy, and how big of a hassle I always feel like it is for Nick.

Now the sex lately has been great. We've been having more sex than usual even. And perhaps that's because of this post. Maybe Nick feels more inclined to climb in bed with me knowing that I'm not expecting him to spank me every time he does. Anyway, so that's what's going on (or rather not going on) on the spanking front.

As for the rest of my life, let's see. We're all flying to Texas for Nick's sister Kate's wedding next month. Nick and Morgan have never been on a plane, and it will be my first time since long before 9/11, so we're all a little nervous. But I think it will be fun.

I interviewed for a supervisor position at work a few days ago. This particular position very, very rarely comes open, and I know that I would be great at it, but I'm so trying not to get my hopes up. In fact I almost didn't tell anyone I was applying. Anyway, it will be a few weeks before they make a decision.

Other than that, life has been pretty average lately. I hope you guys have a great week!

A meme and a sigh...

The meme is from Eva, because I thought it looked fun. The sigh is because there's just not been much to post about here lately. Let me be the first to say, Nick has offered. It just hasn't been when I could handle it. I want and need a spanking, but I don't need to play right now, and that was the atmosphere. That said, I don't need an awful, can't-sit-for-two-days butt burner either. I guess I don't know what I need. Something along the lines of a stressbuster/straighten-up-and-fly-straight/attention getter. But I can't express that, because, well, I just can't. So if it's going to happen, he's just going to have to jerk me up and do it. Urrrgggg! I suck.

1. Where is your cell phone? ………….. kitchen
2. Your significant other?………...…….. amazing
3. Your hair? …………………………….. highlighted
4. Your mother? …………… ……….. loving
5. Your father?……………… …………….. protective
6. Your favorite thing?…………………….. family
7. Your dream last night?…………….. forgotten
8. Your favorite drink? …… ……….. tea
9. Your dream/goal?…………….. SAHM
10. The room you’re in?………………….. bedroom
11. Your ex?……………… ………….. forgotten
12. Your fear?…………… ………….. loss
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years?….. SAHM
14. Where were you last night?………….. parents'
15. What you’re not?……………………….. perfect
16. Muffins?…………………………………….. yummy
17. One of your wish list items?……….. Liberator
18. Where you grew up?………………….. here
19. The last thing you did?………………….. blog
20. What are you wearing?……………….. shirt
21. Your TV?………………………………….. on
22. Your pets?………………………………….. chihuahua
23. Your computer? ……………………….. laptop
24. Your life?………………………………….. blessed
25. Your mood?……………………………….. tired
26. Missing someone?……………………….. yes
27. Your car?………………………………….. Xterra
28. Something you’re not wearing?…….. pants
29. Favorite Store?………………………….. Target
30. Your summer?……………………….. hot
31. Like(love) someone?……………….. madly
32. Your favorite color?……………………. pink
33. Last time you laughed?………….. earlier
34. Last time you cried?………………….. Wednesday
35. Who will re-post this?……………….. someone

Happy Birthday Eva!!!

I hope it's been wonderful!

Busy Life...

Hey, guys. Sorry for the long silence here. Life has just been crazy busy lately. Our vacation was great, beautiful weather. I have a few new toys to show you, although we've had zero time to try any of them out. I got this one while we were on vacation. It's more novelty than anything, because it's not very sturdy, but I thought it was cute:

Nick found this down by the lake at the cabin and immediately saw the possibilities:

Then I got this sticker when I went to a bike shop with Nick the other day:

But my very favorite new toys were waiting on me when we got back from the cabin - my new stuff from Cane-IAC! They sent me a new rattan cane (top), and well as a nylon cane (bottom) so that we can um, explore the finer differences between the two:

And they replaced our broken 1/4 inch paddle with a brand new 1/2 inch version. This one won't be cracking!

Their new paddles have cool new rubber grip handles that Nick really loves, as well as very cool new tags that you can put on your key chain if you'd like. I can't wait to try these out, and I just want to say again how highly I recommend this company!

Vacation Time!

Nick and I are on vacation starting today. We'll be heading (along with Morgan of course) up to his grandparents' cabin on the lake for the week. We spent our honeymoon there, and we always go back in June. Our 10th anniversary is this coming Thursday. Hopefully I'll have our new Cane-IAC stuff by the time we get back and can update you all on the finer points of the difference between nylon and rattan WEG. You guys have a great week!

Happy Father's Day!

To all the wonderful father's out there, and most especially to the father who got up in the middle of the night to clean the bedroom carpet, the bathroom floor, and the toilet, and do a load of laundry while I took care of our sick seven year old last night - you humble me with your dedication.