My Brain Needs a Popup Blocker

Um, I need a spanking. Probably a pretty hard one.


Nick works days, and I work nights, so we don't get to see each other very much other than the weekends. I came home last night wondering if he'd had a chance to check out this blog, and I didn't want to wake him, so I went to his side of the computer to check the history. Now, to be fair, I wasn't just over there snooping. I had a legitimate reason for looking (it seemed so reasonable at the time). I didn't find my blog, but I did find a personals site he'd been on. Now anyone who's spent anytime without an amazing popup blocker knows that you can get bombarded by these things through no fault of your own, so I wasn't too concerned - until I saw that it was filled with women seeking men - in our city! For better or worse, I've never been able to just sit and let things grow in my mind if I can just put it to rest, so at three o'clock in the morning, I woke my soundly sleeping husband and demanded to know why there were women seeking men all over his history.

This was not met well. After a bleary "I don't know," followed by my insistence that he must, he said, "We are not going to talk about this at three o'clock in the damn morning!" I immediately went downstairs to have a good cry about being yelled at for something that was (intense sarcasm here) so clearly his fault, until I began to feel stupid and realize just how ridiculous the notion was that my faithful, honest husband was seeking forbidden love online. Nick has always been the type of person who can't sit through movies like "Unfaithful " and "The Bridges of Madison County", and he really felt like Michael Douglas could have gotten worse in "Fatal Attraction." Never in 7 years together has he ever given me reason to doubt his fidelity, but the truth is, there's an insecurity monster lurking inside me who occasionally still insists that I do not deserve this man and should not be surprised if he leaves. If ever Nick was going to leave me, it would've been when I was a spoiled brat of a newlywed, or just before we began DD, when I was pretty hard to enjoy spending time with, or even when I introduced the idea of DD and asked him to embark on a whole new lifestyle of my choosing. But he didn't. He's stayed with me through it all, skinny and fat, sweet and bitchy, self assured and insecure.


I decided to go up to bed, as I had to get up early to take him to work. (My car has a terminal case of being a pile of crap, so we're both using his right now). Before I turned out the lights, I decided to check out the other blogs I usually visit - on my side of the computer. One of them had a link to a page I had also seen on Nick's history, so I clicked on it, and alongside of the intended page...........and up popped the personals site - already showing women seeking men in our city! I already felt bad about waking him up, but now I felt positively ashamed. The site was targeting the city of our IP address.


Now you wouldn't believe some of the entire conversations we have on the weekends when he's trying to stay up late with me, and I'm trying to be interesting enough to keep him awake. We can make jokes, plans, even major decisions, all with him having no recollection whatsoever the next morning. The man can converse intelligently while asleep. Keeping that in mind, I began to hope that he wouldn't even remember the whole ridiculous incident when he woke up. That, unfortunately, was not to be.

He forgot that I needed the truck today, and I overslept and only woke when I heard him resetting the alarm as he was about to walk out the door. I yelled down that I needed to drive him, and he told me to hurry. When I got downstairs, I could tell that he was mad. I apologized, then asked if I could explain exactly what had caused me such alarm. He said,"I've figured exactly what you saw. I followed a link on (the guilty blog) and that came up!" I told him that I knew and that I'd had no excuse and that it wasn't about trusting him, but rather about believing in myself. He softened considerably, but when I asked him during the drive if he was going to ground or otherwise punish me, he said that he didn't know yet.

The thing is, I know I really hurt him (although I didn't mean to), and when he's hurt, he doesn't want to spank, he wants to withdraw. I wish he could get to the point where he could work his hurt out on my bottom rather than internalizing it. So will I get a spanking? I guess maybe that depends on whether or not he reads this.