Hi, guys. Not too much to post about, just felt like rambling. The other day I had myself almost convinced that it was a good time to have a talk with Nick about spanking and DD and what his leadership means to me. I figured that with him dealing with an injured back right now, it would automatically take the onus off of him to actually act on such a conversation with any kind of immediacy, and it would keep the whole thing pretty low pressure. Then I realized that all it would do would be to add stress to his whole recovery, and that's the last thing I want.
I've really been praying about it, because this is a serious thing for me. These are real needs, and if Nick won't or can't meet them, then they'll just go unmet, because I'm certainly not taking them to someone else. But that of course is not ideal. It's not a good marriage for either of us if one of us is constantly hungering. And that leads me as always to wonder if I just shouldn't "be this way." Not that it's wrong in itself to be someone who wants to have a DD marriage - just that maybe it's wrong for me. But if that's the case, I don't know how to fix me. And please understand that I'm only talking about me and my situation. The last thing I want anyone to take from this blog is the idea that spankos need to be "fixed." I just think that for me - well, shouldn't I fit with the person God chose for me to marry?
The thing is, I'm no good at knowing just exactly what I'm supposed to do. I'm always afraid that I'm going to mistake my own desires for God's leading. So I'm leaving things just as they are. The ball is in God's court now, and if this is truly supposed to be a part of our marriage, then the next conversation we have about it will be initiated by Nick. And if that never comes, then I have to trust God to mold my needs and desires to what they need to be. Now if I can just keep my mouth shut...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
<
6 comments:
Tracy,
I know EXACTLY what you are talking about and I'm not even IN a DD relationship yet. I know that you understand where I'm at as I have emailed you. I know I have your prayers and now you have mine. I know what it's like, also, to leave it in God's court. HE will provide - whatever is right for you because you are His child and He loves you and Nick.
In my thoughts and prayers,
Heather
Tracy,
Those of us here were mostly born spankos. We're the way God made us. Now if you had never mentioned this to Nick he would never have known of your need. So it's it was fine to tell him and it's fine to continue to talk about it and help him understand how much it means to you.
I asked a preacher I respected greatly what to do about a situation where I wanted to fight/push for what I though was best but I needed to know when to hand it over to God. He told me it was fine to work toward a goal, to fight for what I wanted but that when I got 'white knuckled' about it, too angry or frustrated then it was time to back off and let God handle it for a while. If I could take it up calmly and with love at some point I could continue to work toward my dream. Don't know if this helps any but I hope everything works out for the best.
Hugs,
PK
Tracy,
I have been reading your blog for two years now...and I admire your honesty. I think that you and Nick have something very special...try to keep the faith! I will be praying for you both.
Heather - thank you, that means a lot to me!
PK, thank you - I always know I have a friend who listens wih you. And I'm so glad things are coming around for you!
Tammy and Jake, thank you - I really do appreciate it. It's nice to meet you, and I've added your blog to my Google Reader!
This is our first visit to this blog, spent an hour reading. Love your openness and honesty.
It is so interesting to read how you put your DD relationship in the context with God. My background has me putting God and sex together in such a tenuous way. I still feel so rebellious. Like God would have something different to say about the way I use the sexual feelings He placed in my body. Thanks for giving me something to think about. I'll be following your blog.
FT
Post a Comment