The Marriage Bed

In my last post I mentioned a website called The Marriage Bed. The name references Hebrews 13:4:

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

To me the meaning of this verse is pretty clear-cut: God gave us sex, to be enjoyed within the bounds of marriage, and there is no sex act we can do within the bounds of marriage that He considers sin. A lot of Christians will tell you that they feel that anything other than plain vanilla vaginal intercourse is wrong, even if it's with your spouse. I just can't buy that. God does not make it hard for us to tell whether or not something is a sin. I feel that if it's wrong for a husband and wife to engage in oral sex, anal sex, kinky sex, whatever, then He would have said so. Now a lot of people take the verses in the Bible that speak of homosexuality and say that it defines anal sex as an unnatural act. I can see where they get that, but I don't agree. I think that the "unnatural act" part of it applies specifically to homosexual relations. I don't think that God dictates what sexual positions are okay between a husband and wife. I think that "the marriage bed is undefiled" pretty much says it all.

Let me say here that I am not interested in having a debate with anyone on homosexuality. There are plenty of places you can go to discuss that, and you're welcome to visit those sites, but we're not going to do it here. My whole reason for this post is to discuss The Marriage Bed's stance on DD.

If you will read the page there, you will see that the authors have spent some time "studying" DD, and they feel that they have a good understanding of it. Unfortunately they are handicapped by a few assumptions that they can't seem to get past. I'd like to list and address them individually.

1. They believe that all DDers see DD as the right path for everyone and condemn those who disagree.
I have yet to meet the DD couple that states that DD is right for everyone. I'm sure they're out there, because there's always someone who thinks their way for doing everything is best, but the attitude is far from pervasive.

2. They believe that most or all Christians who practice DD believe that it's mandated by God's Word.
Okay, I obviously can't speak for all Christians, but I can certainly speak for myself. I believe very strongly in Ephesians 5:22-24 which states:
"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing."

BUT, in no way do I believe that this is God telling husbands and wives that a domestic discipline relationship is required. I do not see anywhere in the Bible where a DD relationship is prohibited, but I also do not believe that it is required.

3. They believe that it treats women as dumber or less capable than men.
Okay, have you met most of the female DD bloggers out here? These are some of the smartest, most capable, most well-rounded, most cherished women I know! And it's because they are smart and capable that they have a full grasp of what it means to trust their husbands with their needs, and what it means to give their submission as a gift.

4. They believe that DDers categorically deny that the lifestyle has anything to do with their sexuality and that if it did have anything to do with sex it would just be plain old BDSM.
In my experience, most DD couples consist of at least one person who has a sexual desire for spanking. That does not mean that there's no other facet of DD. There are lots of things that can speak to your sexuality without being primarily about sex. For instance, a lot of women are very turned on when they see their husbands being good fathers. It turns me on to see Nick working outdoors. Most women find a sense of humor very sexy. Basically, I guess I'm saying that it's not necessarily all or nothing, and I don't know of too many DD couples who follow that line of thought.

5. They believe that DD cannot be legitimate if the wife was the one who requested it. In other words, if she wanted it, it must just be a game to her.
Okay, sure, there are plenty of women out there topping from the bottom. I'm not going to deny that happens, because it does. I've been guilty of it myself, although it's not an effective way to make DD happen for you. But I notice they don't claim that a husband can't be a real leader as God intends if his wife encourages him in that. In fact, there are plenty of Christian websites out there telling you how to foster your husband's leadership skills. It's not a sin to desire a husband who will lead, and initiating that change in your marriage does not mean that he can't be a valid leader, even if that leadership manifests itself in DD.

6. They also express concern with the fact that spanking seems to be the discipline of choice in most circumstances, and they seem to feel that this makes the whole thing too sexual.
My response to this is...WHO CARES? Who cares if the dynamic in the relationship you have with your spouse involves sex? If it works for you and your spouse and it doesn't go against God's word, then why is it anybody's business just how sexual it is? If you're both okay with spanking being involved, why the heck should it make a difference to anyone else in the world?
Anyway, a reader emailed me the other day for my thoughts on that particular page of The Marriage Bed, and I wanted to address it in a bit more depth than I had time to do in my email response. I do want to say that I find most of the other aspects on the site to be well thought out and Biblically founded. It's only their take on DD that I take exception to.