Back in the swing of things

First of all, I want to say a huge thank you for all the wonderful comments, emails, and prayers I've gotten from you guys over the past couple of weeks. Trust me when I say that they were a comfort during a very difficult time.

Monday night was a time of reckoning for me. Nick decided that the time had come to deal with all the stuff I had let pile up going far back before I got sick and my papaw died. And he also knew that I needed to release some of the stress of the past few weeks. Morgan fortuitously (?) fell asleep early that evening, leaving hours free for me to try to come up with some effective way to talk him out of it. I don't know if it was just because it had been so long since I'd been spanked (we seem to have gotten into a two month cycle here), but I was very, very scared about this one, to the point that my stomach hurt thinking about getting it.

But, as always, Nick could see that I really needed it, and that I would feel better all around when it was done. He took me upstairs, and I curled up on the bed, feeling very much like I wanted to escape through a hole in the floor. He offered me the option to choose my own implement, but when I balked at doing anything at all to help the event progress, he pulled out the Buster Paddle from Leather Thorn. He nudged me onto my stomach, gave me one good whack over my jeans, then pulled them down, along with my panties. He got a good grip on me and began to spank me in earnest.

I was a big baby about the whole thing. I was crying hard almost from the beginning, and at one point I managed to fight my way out of his grip. That's never a good idea, and he started counting. This always makes me feel like a little kid, but I was back in position before three, knowing from experience that I didn't want to cross that line. I got about 500 swats, bawling the whole time, and when those were done, he informed me that my little break for freedom had earned me an extra 20. Okay, disobeying during a spanking is not a smart thing, and those 20 were some of the hardest I've ever had.

I spent at least as much time sobbing into my pillow afterwards as I spent getting paddled, and Nick held me and let me cry it out. Eventually he got up, told me he was going downstairs, and that when I got myself together I could pull my pants up and join him. Very soon I followed that advice, although it was a while before I was collected enough to stop sniffling and start being a reasonable adult again. When he got me to smile again, Nick said, "There's my little butterfly." That got a raised eyebrow, and he smiled and explained that when I'm in need of a spanking I curl up in a cocoon so to speak, and it takes me a bit after I'm spanked to really open back up again.

He's right of course, but afterwards I'm always so embarrassed for several reasons - that I did something to earn a punishment, that I'm thirty years old and getting spanked on my bare bottom, that I didn't handle it with dignity and dry eyes, that despite kicking and screaming, fighting and crying, begging and promising, I'm still overcome and spanked hard and thoroughly. When it's been a while since I've been in that position, I start to think, Hey, this whole thing seems pretty silly - what am I thinking asking him to spank me for stuff? Who does that?

The answer of course is that lots of very cool people do it, awesome people who happen to be my very good friends. And the thing is, it never seems silly to me when I think of Eva, or Grace, or PK, or Cassie, or all the awesome folks I've met online. It seems perfectly natural that they do it. It just seems silly for me, because these are my needs, and well, I'm a little weird, right? When I tried to explain this to him, he had a very simple answer that was exactly what I needed to hear, and pretty much closed the door on it: "Don't apologize for who you are."

Nick has been so amazing with being a DD husband, and I can feel how very far we've come since he agreed to give this a try a little over four years ago. I've managed to mostly get a handle on my insecurities, and that's absolutely due to his support and acceptance and willingness to meet my needs in our marriage, even if they weren't always a comfortable fit for him. I'm very, very blessed to have such an incredible husband.

I'm still feeling a bit sore, and I've got a pretty good bruise on the outside of my left cheek where the edge of the paddle was landing, but I feel so much better in general, and so much more able to get things with the house back under control. Thank you, sweetheart, for loving me the way that you do.