Still adjusting...

This morning I got the results of my blood test. The doctor thinks I'm about 8 weeks along, and she wants me to come in for an ultrasound on Monday. I'm very happy about the pregnancy, but Nick is having a hard time adjusting. I'm terribly afraid that, right now at least, he just doesn't want this. I'm also pretty sure that DD has been shelved for the indefinite future. I asked him today if he was done with it and the response I got was "Are you going to start this again?" So I guess that means he doesn't want to "start this again."

I guess I'm just struggling a little bit. I know that this is a huge thing to take in for both of us, but I feel like Nick blames the stress on me a little bit. I know he's just trying to cope with a very unexpected and life changing situation, one that we were not really prepared for. And I get that a big part of those worries are financial ones which, as he's the main breadwinner, fall on his shoulders. Two and a half years ago when we decided to try for another baby, the economy was in a different place, and the plan was for me to be a stay at home mom. This has been a life long dream for me, and my mom is just not in good enough health to watch this baby like she did Morgan anyway. And I know that there are a lot of great day cares out there, but that's just not something we've ever been comfortable with. So he's worried about what we're going to do. He would prefer for me to stay home, but he also feels the tremendous pressure of becoming the only one to bring home a paycheck, and one that's based on commission at that.

Anyway, I think that the fact that I'm excited about this is making it a little harder on him when he's just not there yet. I just know that this baby is a gift from God, and God will provide the means to take care of it and the rest of our family. I know that Nick knows this too. He just needs a little more time to adjust.

Thank you

Thank you so much, all of you for the wonderful congratulations. (Yep, Hermione, it's positive!) This may not be much of a post because I'm trying to work through a pounding headache following not enough sleep, a serious caffeine reduction, and a whirlwind round of telling our families, and frankly I'm going to have to talk myself into taking a shower before I fall into bed.

This pregnancy is an absolute shock to both of us. I've been feeling kind of run down for the last few weeks, and a little nauseated on occasion, but I didn't really think much about it. A week or so ago Morgan ate too much chocolate bunny rabbit and threw up all over her bed. I threw up trying to do the laundry from it. But again, I didn't think too much of it - exposure to chocolate vomit seemed to be just the sort of thing that would send me hurling into the toilet.

Then yesterday after work I stopped at the grocery store to try to find something to fix for dinner. I had to pee when I got there, so I went to the bathroom, used it, then washed my hands. Then threw up all over the bathroom stall. I have to confess, once I managed to assure myself it wouldn't happen again, I got the heck out of there, got in my car and headed home, groceries forgotten. Honestly, I'm very sorry for whoever had to clean the bathroom, but if I had tried to do it myself, it would have just ended up a bigger mess.

All the way home I was thinking how very weird it was that I'd gotten sick like that, and it started to cross my mind that maybe I was pregnant. Pretty much immediately I dismissed the idea, because I'd been down that road many times and been disappointed. My doctor had flat out told me a year and a half ago that I would never have another baby unless I went on fertility drugs. Beyond the cost, Nick and I felt like it would not be the right choice for us, so I had resigned myself to the idea that more kids were not in our future. Still, I was pretty sure I had a pregnancy test at home, and I figured, what the heck, if I did still have one, I'd take it just to rule the possibility out.

It turns out I did have one stuck back in a drawer at home. So I took it. Then, so unconcerned about the results was I that I set it on the bathroom sink, went to the bedroom, and fell asleep for about twenty minutes. When I woke back up, I remembered the test and went to check it. Hmmm...this looks positive. So I read the box again, and the little pamphlet, and the Spanish instructions, and then the box again. Yep, still looks positive. Nick was not yet home, and Morgan was spending the night with my parents, so for about fifteen minutes I lay on the bed clutching the test and quietly freaking out. When Nick got home, I showed him the test.

"Looks like it says you're not pregnant."

"Are you kidding me? That a PLUS sign."

"Maybe you should take another test."

Maybe so. So I drove to Wal-mart and came back with a two pack of Clear Blue Easy digital tests, the ones that say either PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT. I peed in a cup, dipped both tests, and set them down to watch them, this time not at all sleepy. The box said the test should take about three minutes. They both popped up pregnant after about 20 seconds.

Today I went and had a blood test done. I should know tomorrow morning about how far along I am. I haven't had a period since around mid-January (I think), but the PCOS makes them so sporadic that I really haven't kept track. We waited until today to tell Morgan. We were both a little worried about how she would react. She's gone through some really clingy, jealous stages lately, especially when the topic of "if we ever have another baby" came up. So we sat her down and just told her, ready to jump in with grand assurances if she seemed worried. Her face turned white, then red, then her eyes sparkled, and she whispered "You're going to have a baby? I'm finally going to have a little brother or sister?" Then her mouth spread into the most beautiful grin I have ever seen. We gave her the honor of telling both sets of grandparents, and all were ecstatic.

Right now we're both just overwhelmed, although I think Nick may be having a harder time taking it in than I am. Still, this is an amazing, unexpected blessing, and I thank you all for your well wishes. Hugs to you all!

Gratitude Tuesday

Shocked, thrilled, hopeful, scared, happy, terrified, but most of all....grateful.

I did it again!

Well, I managed to miss my blogaversary again! Usually I remember when Grace posts about hers. On March 13th, AngelBrat's Blog was four years old. It's weird for me looking back and seeing how much life has passed since then. I posted a lot more in the beginning. Of course I'd never really had such an outlet before, so there was a lot bubbling up from inside of me. And I definitely had more time. Morgan was still three, so homework was a distant future horror. I was also working nights, so I had plenty of time to stay up late into the night playing online while Nick was snoring away. We had a pretty limited arsenal of spanking toys, so every time I bought a new one it was good for a new post.

And, well, there was a lot more spanking. There's not been much of that lately, and I think it's probably just part of the natural ebb and flow of TTWD. I could probably use it, because the house honestly looks awful, But ever since we got back from Hawaii, I've spent every evening herding Morgan through her homework, with the exception of weekends, when we all spend family time together. If Nick's had to work, I have buckled down and gotten some stuff done, but he's not really been much help with it, and I think that may figure into his decision (or lack of) to not make a punishable issue of it.

And I'm honest enough to admit that there's a lot involved (time, effort, emotion) in having an active spanking relationship, and he's just been overrun with work lately. I don't think he's got much of himself left over for it. At the same time, I've not really brought it up, because as much as I know I need it, it's also easier for me to just let it coast sometimes. Whatever good the spanking and the attention does me, it also still leaves me with that lingering feeling of being an awful lot of trouble.

Anyway, I'm kind of proud of the fact that the blog's still here, even if it's not quite the steam engine it used to be. I've never really let it go dormant, although there have been a few times I've gone a couple of weeks without posting. I have 985 posts, an average of about 246 posts a year, about 20 per month, although some months have definitely been busier than others. But we're still here, still chugging along, and for that I'm grateful.

Gratitude Tuesday

It's Gratitude Tuesday again, brought to you today by the letter I:

Ice Cream - 'nuff said.

Innocence - I'm inexpressibly grateful that our daughter still has this in abundance, although it kills me every time I see life chip a little bit of it away.

Imagination - okay, I admit that sometimes mine can run a little wild, but for the most part imagination is a wonderful thing!

Ireland - although I'm a bit of a mutt, my heritage is primarily Irish, and it's my dream to someday be able to see the land of my ancestors.

Illustrations - from the time I was little I've always loved illustrations in books, just so long as they didn't shorten the story to put them there!

Ideas - that's what your imagination is for!

Identity - it took me a while, but most of the time these days I have a pretty good grip on mine.

Income - we wouldn't get very far without some form of it!

In-laws - I've been very blessed with the ones I have, and I think Nick would say the same (most days).

Intercourse - of course!

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

New toys

Last night I went and had dinner with a girlfriend, and we stopped at a toy store afterwards. I was very happy to finally find one of these:




I've been on the lookout for a Taffy Tickler ever since Eva posted about her find on their trip to LA. I had also heard very good things about this:
Several friends had interesting things to report about these little disposable Screaming O cock ring vibrators, and at $7 I figured it would be worth trying. It was.

The taffy tickler was very cool too, although the egg was huge compared to a regular silver bullet. But the silicone knobs made for some very nice sensations, and I'm happy with both purchases - as is Nick!

We also stopped at Target and I found this little cutie:
I've never seen a Little Miss Naughty with hair, but I think she's just as cute this way.

It was nice to have an evening out. Morgan has been having problems getting all her daily schoolwork done in class again, which means it comes home with her for homework, which in turn means that I've had to spend 2 hours every night dragging her through all of it. It's been no fun at all, leaving me both frustrated with her and at the same time feeling like a mean mom for staying on her back about it. I know in my head that I can't just let her get by without doing it, but it's hard to see her have to spend every evening tied up with monotonous spelling and writing exercises instead of playing.


This is not a situation where she has real reasons for not getting it done in class - she just doesn't want to focus on it. She's SO smart, an excellent speller and reading at a 9th grade level, so it's not an issue of not being able to do the work. In fact she brings home all A's on her report card, with the exception of a recent B in math. And she doesn't have an attention deficit problem. We've looked at all of those potential issues, because we didn't want to assume anything. I think it's just a matter of being tired of the school year at this point. But I know that if we don't make her finish the work, then those A's and B's are going to slide into C's and D's, plus she'll get the clear message that school is not important. I'm hoping and praying that sometime very soon something will click with her and it will get better.



Anyway, today is a family Saturday, so I'm off to have fun. Have a great day!

The Trouble With Being Truthful...

...is that sometimes it doesn't leave you with any good stories to tell. Unfortunately that's the case here. I'm afraid there's not been much excitement since we got back from Hawaii. Mostly just the mundanity of work, laundry, and helping with the ever increasing load of homework Morgan brings home.



Let's see, we did go bowling with some friends last week - that was pretty fun. And Saturday was my cousin's wedding. Originally they had asked me to do the photography, which I was pretty excited about - my secret dream is to be able to someday do portraits and wedding photography professionally. But when I got there, they had hired someone, which was kind of disappointing. I still took a number of shots, which I'll put together into an album for them as a wedding gift, but I kind of got the feeling they weren't sure I'd do a good job.



Spanking has been nonexistent, not so much as mentioned. Nick, I'm fairly certain, has no desire to get back into it, and frankly I'm not feeling much interest myself. I guess it all goes in cycles. Maybe spring will bring a rekindling with it. Hope you guys are all well!

Gratitude Tuesday

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

House
Home
Honey
Hairbrushes
Hope
Happiness
Hammers
Heroes
Help
Heat
Hands
Humanity
Hello

Gratitude Tuesday

The grinning grandparents gracefully gave the grateful growing girls gifts of God's green grapes. LOL - that's how I remembered my Gratitude Tuesday list today.

Grins - a grin is more than just a smile. A grin is a little mischievous, a little knowing, a little triumphant. Yeah, I like grins.

Grandparents - grandparents are by and far pretty wonderful people, aren't they? My dad's parents were both nearly 70 be the time I was born, the last girl in a long line of granddaughters, so they were always pretty "old" to me growing up. But my mom's parents were in their early forties when I came along, only the second grandchild on that side and the only one who lived close by. They pretty well doted on me, and they were ever present when I was growing up. Unfortunately I lost my last one when my mom's dad died a year ago. Now that my own parents are grandparents, they fill the role with enthusiasm, and my daughter is blessed to have them.

Grace - I just love my friend Grace, and we have her to thank for bringing back Gratitude Tuesday!

Giving - I am always grateful when I have the opportunity to give something to someone else, even if it's just something small. My dad is one of the most generous men I know, and he taught me well the joy of giving.

Gratitude Tuesday - What a wonderful idea this is! I'm ever grateful to CeeCi for coming up with it and sharing it with all of us!

Growing - Growing is hard sometimes, but I'm always grateful when I feel like I've done a bit.

Girls - Girls are awesome. Especially baby girls (all that pink) and girlfriends (um, maybe still all that pink)!

Gifts - As much as I enjoy giving, I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy getting gifts too!

God - This if course is a biggie. I'm afraid I can't adequately describe how much I love and appreciate God, but without Him, my life would be meaningless.

Green - I love the color green. It can mean go, it can refer to money, it can indicate spring is here!

Grapes - I really enjoy grapes, especially red grapes. My Mamaw and Papaw grew grapes when I was little, and I'll never forget how sweet they were right off the vine.

I know, I know, three posts in one day - you guys are going to have a heart attack! Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

Fun mobile blogging...

Just thought I'd show you the cute hand lotion I found in the Target dollar bin. It's grape, which is a little Kool-Aidey for my taste, but how could I pass it up?

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Would you believe that Wal-mart had ANOTHER spanko card this year? One of these days I'm going to get up the courage to wear one of these buttons in public!

Gratitude Tuesday Double Shot

So I missed Gratitude Tuesday last week. Well, I didn't actually miss it - in fact, I looked at my computer with great intentions, but we had been to the PCC that day, I was just too jetlagged to put up a post! But I did have plenty to be grateful for, so today is going to be a double header!

E:

Earth - what a beautiful planet we live on - the evidence was all around me last week! And we live in a beautiful part of the country as well, so coming back home was just as lovely in a different way!

Elevators - how wonderfully handy, and you can bet they were a godsend with a load of luggage!

Early morning - we got to see some fabulous early morning skies, especially on the plane ride back!

Easter - I love Easter and all that it means - what an amazing gift God gave us!

Elvis - Sunday night Nick and I caught Elvis' Blue Hawaii on TV. What was really neat was that part of it was filmed at the hotel we stayed at. It was so cool to watch it and say "Hey! We were right there in that park!" And of course Blue Hawaii has a great spanking scene!

F:

Friends - I have some truly wonderful ones, and I wouldn't trade them for anything!

Family - they might not always be what we would choose, but I sure am glad I've got mine!

Flowers - Who doesn't love flowers? We sure saw some amazing ones in Hawaii!

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

A wonderful vacation

Well, we're finally back from Hawaii! It was truly lovely, although I have to admit that I'm glad to be back home - I missed Morgan terribly! We stayed at the Hilton Hawaiian Village, which was truly amazing. The room was beautiful, and it looked right out over the harbor! There was even a rainbow on our second day there!

We got to go to the Polynesian Cultural Center, which was really quite fascinating. As the website states : "Many South Pacific nations are represented at the Polynesian Cultural Center, where recreated villages, exhibits and hands-on activities highlight eight of them: Samoa, Aotearoa (Maori New Zealand), Fiji, Hawaii, Marquesas, Tahiti, Tonga and Rapa Nui (Easter Island)."

In fact we learned that in the New Zealand, or Aotearoa culture, there is a carved wooden weapon known as a patu, used in hand to hand combat. The patu is basically a wooden paddle, as seen here:

The performers did a warrior dance with them, and I have to tell you, shirtless men waving paddles wasn't a bad show! Even the carvings of Aotearoa gods feature the patu!

When I found a patu for sale in the gift area, I fell in love with it! At $59.99, it was a little steep for a souvenir, but it was beautiful, and Nick insisted I get it. Anyway, when will I ever have another chance to buy an authentic Aotearoan paddle? We haven't had a chance to try it out yet as we didn't want to raise any eyebrows at the hotel and we've been pretty well crashed since we got home - 10 hours on a plane will do that to you!

Anyway, it's great to be home - now I just have to get rid of this jet lag!

Friends Award

“These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers.”

The Rules to accepting this award: “Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

Bethie honored me with this lovely award, and I'm happy to pass it on! As Bethie said, it's very hard to pick only eight, but here are my choices, with hopes that you all know there are many more of you that I love!

Grace of A Day in the Life

Bonnie of My Bottom Smarts

Hermione of Hermione's Heart

Dave and Cindy of His to Spank, His to Love

Iris of Through Iris' Eyes

Joannie of Joannie Writes About...

Natty of Natty's Spanking Blog

PK of New Beginnings

Late again

Okay, I'm an awful, awful blogger. I'm late for Gratitude Tuesday again, and I've not responded to anybody's comments on the last couple of posts. The truth is, I haven't even looked at the computer for a couple of days, and when I was last on it I just glanced at my myspace and facebook profiles for a minute. I have no good excuse other than just being worn out with life and work, but I'm going to try to do better. So here's my better late than never Gratitude Tuesday - D Edition:

Daughters - sorry guys, mine is the best one out there.

Dandelions - I've always loved these sunny little flowers.

Disney - yes, I get pretty tired of hearing about Hannah Montana, but overall they have some pretty solid kids programming, and my little one has absorbed some pretty admirable after school lessons.

Discipline - as totally lacking as it's been in my life lately, it's still very important to me.

Dads - Nick is a great one, and I am beyond blessed to have the one I do.

Dogs - I love dogs, especially the one we have now.

Dictionaries - I've always found it a little bit magical to look up a new word in the dictionary, and who of us hasn't secretly looked up spanko words?

Digital cameras - we were really terrible about taking pictures before we got our first digital camera. Or, I should say, we were awful about getting them developed. We were happy to actually take the pictures. That is, assuming we had film. And batteries. But with a digital camera we never have to worry about wasting a shot or developing images we don't want, and I love taking pictures.

Date Night - how awesome is date night?!?! We don't get enough of them, but we sure do cherish them when they come along!

Okay, I'm sure there are plenty of other wonderful D words, but that's all I've got right now. In other news - only 5 days till Hawaii!

Mobile blogging again...

Hey guys. How have you all been? I know I've been scarce on here, just not much to blog about I guess. Valentine's Day was nice. Nick bought me some beautiful flowers, along with a cute card, some Ferrero Rocher, and some butterfly ear rings. Morgan picked out a pink heart wrist watch for me at Wal-mart.

Only 9 days left till we leave for Hawaii - I need to start packing! Anyway, that's about it these days. Hope you guys are having a great winter!

Gratitude Tuesday

A quick list guys - I'm pretty worn out tonight.

Cashmere
Chocolate
Cookies
Candy
Candles
Camry
Computer
Crafts
Couches
Coffee
Christmas
Cash
Cable
Crops
Cabins

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

Gratitude Tuesday - B

Hey guys, Tuesday's almost over - bet you thought I forgot, didn't you? Nope! I've got lots to be grateful for!



Babies - I love babies, always have. Mine of course was the most beautiful ever, although I'm sure Eva begs to differ. I would love to have another one someday, but if it never happens, I've been incredibly blessed to have the one God gave me!



Blogs - how else would I have met all you great people?!



Bruises - but not just any bruises of course, only those lovingly worn on my bottom!



Belts - yummy, just yummy!



Bed - I love our bed. It's king size with a feather bed on top of it, and with two mattresses, it's just the right height for all kinds of good stuff!



Blow jobs - I love to take care of Nick in this very special way, and I've been told I'm quite talented!



Bend over - are there any words in the world quite so shiver-inducing?



Books - I loooooooove books.



Bible - I firmly believe it is the Word of God, and I am grateful for it's comfort and guidance every day.



Bond - James, Bond. Just how hot was Sean Connery, right?



Brothers - I have two, and they both men the world to me.



Blankets - Nick tells me I have way too many, but I love to be snuggly and warm!



Brownies - Mmmmmm!

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

Not much happening...

Hmm, not much going on here, just felt like posting. We're getting awfully close to Hawaii, just 3 more weeks of work! Plus I have President's Day off, so only 14 more actual work days! Yay! We're doing our income taxes this week, and we should get enough back to have money to go on as well as pay off a few bills and set Morgan up for the week. She's staying with my parents, but other family members are going to take her out for some fun stuff in the evenings to give my mom a break. We're going to do a Build A Bear gift card, an adopt a baby doll day, a Dollar Tree shopping spree ($20 goes a long way at the dollar store when you're seven), and maybe a few other things. This will be the longest she's ever been away from us, and I want to keep her distracted. Plus, since we'll be having such a great time, it seems only fair to give her a big week too.

Everything has been booked, just about all that's left is getting our tax return and packing. I do need to go to the book store. It will be a long plane ride, and I'll definitely need something to read. I'm actually pretty nervous - we've never taken a trip this far, and I'm afraid I'm going to miss Morgan terribly!

Anyway, that's about all that's going on here, just getting through the rest of winter and on to warmer days. Hope everything is going well for you guys!

Gratitude Tuesday Wednesday

As many of you I'm sure have seen, my friend Grace has started back up the lovely tradition of Gratitude Tuesday. As always, I'm a day late and a dollar short, but I had a wonderful time with this when I did it before, so I'm glad to join in again. Before I get started, a quick funny story:

A couple of days ago at work a very indignant elderly gentleman called in about an overdraft fee on his account. The situation was entirely his fault, but he was very upset, and I could see that he was on a fixed income, so I decided to waive the fee for him. But I couldn't resist giving him a bit of a gentle lecture on what had caused the fee and how this was a one time courtesy. At the end of the call, I asked him if there was anything else I could do for him. "Maybe a good spanking," he answered. I could tell that it wasn't at all meant sexually, more along the lines of "I guess I need a good swift kick in the pants for screwing this up." But it tickled me, and it made me think, we offer a lot of services, but that isn't one of them! Although...perhaps it would get people to balance their checkbooks!

Anyway, I'm grateful for:

Andes Thin Mints - I just love these little chocolate treats!

AngelBrat's Blog - having the chance to write this blog has given me such an outlet, and it's led me to meet some really wonderful people!

Answers - for me, knowing is almost always better.

Always - knowing that Nick is mine always!

Apple pie a la mode - yum!

The AngelBrat Paddle - this wonderful implement is perfect for almost any spanking.

Age - Every year of my life since I turned 19 has just gotten better!

Aleve - almost always does the trick.

Autumn - hands down, my favorite time of year.

Aloe plants - my mom had one when I was little, and it was always a big deal to break off a piece to soothe a cut or a burn. Nick's stepmom recently gave us one, and Morgan finds it just as fascinating.

Arnica - nothing better for healing bruises in a hurry, although usually I prefer to hang on to them!

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

Hooray!

It worked!

Try, try again

Okay, I'm trying to get the mobile blogging thing to work for me again. Here goes...

Night of 1000 Swats

I got that spanking last night. And yes, it was somewhere around 1000 swats. Nick got out the AngelBrat Paddle, and after much coaxing, he finally gentled me into position. Of course I wouldn't have gotten such consideration had I actually been in trouble, but this was a spanking given at my request, to diffuse some stress and help me get my head on straight.

The whole spanking was hard, and it was definitely the longest one I've ever had. But he spaced it out, giving me mostly sets of 50 with a half minute's breathing room between them. It took till almost the end for the tears to come, and they were a welcome release when they did.

As predicted, I tried hard to talk him out of it, although unlike with a punishment spanking, it wasn't from fear. I just suddenly felt stupid because it wasn't FOR anything. I had been rather good, and suddenly it seemed very silly to be asking him to do this. Fortunately reason (his) prevailed, and I'm feeling much better, and very, very sore today. Thank you, Sugar!

Urg! Trying to mobile blog here and it's driving me batty!

I. Need. A. Spanking.

I've been pretty good lately, done lots of cooking and even some cleaning. You might say I've been more ANGELbrat than angelBRAT. But I really need a spanking.

I got one a few days ago, and I really needed it, but now I'm feeling kind of drifty and directionless and sad and even kind of weepy. I'm having tendencies to read way too much into random situations (friend A didn't say she liked her baby's birthday gift - she must have hated it; friend B hasn't called me in a while, I think she's tired of me; friend C didn't return that last email - I think that's her way of saying she doesn't want to be friends after all; my husband fell asleep watching TV tonight - he no longer wants my body!) As you can see, my sensible self is out hiding from my self esteem, which has gone totally crazy and is threatening to hold everybody hostage. And the house is in pretty good shape, but there are still tons of things I could be improving, and I'm finding zero motivation.

So I need a spanking. A really long one, hopefully with the big leather paddle, because when he uses it, it hurts a lot and leaves me incredibly sore, but it generally stays at a level that I can process throughout a very long session without doing any damage. And in case my dear, patient husband happens to be reading here, I'll just say right now, should you be so kind as to take me up on this, I won't make it easy. I can go ahead and tell you that not only will I not cooperate, but I'll even try to talk you out of it. Not, of course, because this is my plan, but because after five years of DD, I can see into the future, and future Tracy is going to be all scared and "what was I thinking?". Right now, while you're snoring peacefully away beside me, this seems like a good plan, or if not a good plan, at least a necessary one. But next time we're alone, I know I will be regretting the heck out of it.

Still, I need it bad.