First of all, I was looking at some of my posts about family and friends, and I realized I really need to come up with a better way of referring to them all than just by initial. It's confusing to even me that way, so I've come up with (fake) names for all of them, and I put a sort of key up on the right. I'm going to go back through and try to fix them in all the old posts.
Anyway, my friend PK is currently faced with the scenario of her daughter asking to read some of her erotic (spanking) stories. I wish her all the best of luck, and I'm glad I'm not in her shoes right now!
It got me to thinking about the few times I've shared TTWD with anyone. The thing is, finding something that just makes you so, well, happy, you just want to share it with the people you love. It's such a deep part of you that it can start to feel almost...dishonest if you aren't telling your sister/best friend/dieting buddy this amazing part of your life that makes you feel special and giddy and sexy and taken care of and finally true to yourself. And while it's wonderful and right that you can find so much support out here in blogland, it can make it seem easier than it is to find that kind of support in the people who love you in real life.
The first person I ever told (the only one I've ever directed to my blog) was my friend Alicia. Now let me first say that I stood by Alicia through her husband's multiple stints of depression, drug use, infidelity, and abandonment. I spent hours sitting and praying with her and days emailing back and forth about it, and I opened my home to her to spend the night when she didn't feel safe in her own home. None of that is to brag on me at all, just to say that I kind of expected her to be at least a little open-minded and non-judgemental. And she was - just so long as she thought it went only so far as I Love Lucy did.
But when she read my blog, the blog I was so very proud of and directed her to with great vulnerability and trust, she told me she felt so sorry for me that I thought so little of myself that I believed I deserved such treatment. I've never in my life wished so much that I could unshare something. It not only hurt me deeply, but it infuriated me that she was basically saying Nick was abusive. My husband! That experience truly burned me on full disclosure, and I basically told her that I was really sorry she misunderstood the situation, that I didn't think I would be able to ever talk about it with her again, and that I would appreciate it if she just forgot everything I'd told her.
The second person in real life to find out about the blog was my brother Robert. Yes, the one who's our pastor. He was not our pastor at the time, although he was only a couple of months away from it when it happened. At the time I had a Facebook profile for AngelBrat. I didn't have any mutual friends between it and my RL profile, but apparently helpful Facebook will suggest any profile accessed using the same IP address to all the friends of any other profile using that IP. So when his wife got a friend suggestion for AngelBrat, they clicked on over, probably wondering who on earth they might know with a profile picture consisting of spanking artwork. As it turned out, it was me!
He sent me a text asking if I knew that setting up a Facebook profile for my blog would have those results. I assumed he was talking about my photography blog, but nope, it was this one! His take on it was that what we did was nobody's business but ours and God's, and he promised to keep it private. To this day he's not brought it up, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate his discretion as well as his non-judgemental attitude.
The only other person who sort-of knows is my friend Elizabeth. And she doesn't know about the blog. She just knows that I enjoy being spanked (as apparently she does a bit herself), and that we have a crapload of spanking toys. I did hint though that sometimes it's more because I need it than because I want it, and she was pretty quick to say that she wasn't on board with that. Whether she meant that she wasn't on board with it for herself or for anybody at all I don't know, because I pretty much abandoned ship on the conversation at that point.
Truthfully, I would love to have a friend in RL that I could just sit down with over coffee and be real with about this stuff. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be in the cards.
As for the situation PK is dealing with, I'm well aware that I could be facing that sometime in the (hopefully distant) future. Having come across some very unambiguous internet history a few months ago, I'm pretty convinced that Morgan has the same interests. At the time I checked with Nick to make sure it wasn't him looking stuff up. Sadly it was not, because I totally could have worked with that lol. But I had to go and have an excruciatingly awkward conversation with my 10 year old daughter about what sorts of things are not okay to look at online and what sort of skewed impression that sort of search is likely to give her. I guess in a way I'm glad I had the opportunity (even if forced into it) to talk with her about it. When I was around her age my mom found some spanking stories I had written, and her reaction made me want to crawl inside myself with shame.
Neither Morgan or I wanted to be having the conversation, but I told her that I did understand her interests, and that those were not things to be ashamed of, but rather to be fully explored someday with her husband if they so choose to do. I also told her that a lot of the things out there online didn't depict anything close to a loving relationship, and that they were not the sorts of things God had in mind for her heart and her marriage. I also told her that if she were to do anymore such searches, I WOULD know!
She did ask me once why I had all those things in the chest at the end of our bed, and I just told her that it was a private space that she did not need to be getting into, but that there are things that are meant to be just between husband and wife. Anyway, if she ever gets up the nerve, I expect her to one day come and ask me if Nick spanks me. I guess I'll just be honest with her if and when the time comes. My biggest fear would be that it would cause her to think badly of her dad.
So have you told anyone in real life? How did it go? Do you regret it, or do you wish you had told them sooner?
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3 comments:
Tracy,
I guess the first RL friends I told were people from the blogs who became RL friends, Eva, Grace and Ceeci – but I know that’s different. Next came my friend (older, in her 60) who demanded to know what had changed in my life and what had made me so happy. She was very amused, happy for me and gave me a set of wooden spoons for Christmas that year! The change in me was not something she could have missed.
I have had the advantage of being able to share with them my fiction first – they want to know what I write. So I’ve been able to judge their reaction from that. When they ask if we partake I usually led them to believe it’s a little playful slap and tickle for fun. Depending on who I’m talking to and how they react I’ve gone further into my desires.
Bas reminded me the other day (he remembered old post that I’d forgotten) that Mollie had read some emails Nick and I had shared when we first began spanking. Mollie had left me a note letting me know she’d read them. I wrote her back saying
1. Don’t snoop in my emails again.
2. You have parents who love one another and will be together forever.
3. If you have more questions I’ll be happy to discuss them with you after you’ve been happily married for 20 years.
She wrote back saying ‘I understand’. She was 10 at the time. She hasn’t ask what I write about until now.
If you share with a friend again, I’d go for someone older and with a very happy, stable marriage. These people seem to believe in live and let live.
I always like to try and understand what makes people judgemental in that respect. A couple of possibilities come to mind: 1) The person concerned is very dependent on social mores for their comfort and stability. When someone is seen to be flouting those mores, it understandably makes them uncertain and wanting to oppose the one flouting.
2) They could be wanting to do what you do themselves, and they are upset that someone else is doing what they want to do but have not the courage to do. Condemnation of others' actions is often a sign of moral weakness or lack of self-confidence.
I'm very behind on reading your blog. Hadn't realized how much til I started to go back thru to see which one I had read 1st! I had to comment on this one.
I so understand where you are coming from here. I suspect my 25 yr old son has some idea as he's had to have heard it at times but, thank God, has never brought it up. I guess he'd be as uncomfortable talking about it as me! I did mention it to my best friend that we were into spanking but I believe she thinks just in a sexual context which is all it about is anymore. Too hard to do anything with the way our house is set up with all the bedrooms at one end & no where else to go with my son's friend still living here. Grrrrr.... She was very open-minded about it but not someone I feel I could really have an in-depth conversation with.
So, long & short, I definitely know where you're coming from! Now back to getting caught up on your blog!
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