Hmmm…so I missed all of February. I’ve never missed a whole month before. Things are going fine here. Jack is happy and healthy and growing like a weed. I took him to the doctor today for his 2 month (2 months already!) checkup, and he’s gained 4 whole pounds since he was born, putting him at a whopping 7 pounds 11 ounces.
Valentine’s Day was…messy. Nick very sweetly ordered me a dozen gourmet dipped strawberries, which was wonderful. Unfortunately he and Daisy were both quite sick, and he spent the evening on the couch while I spent all day and night cleaning up vomit and giving baths.
In 11 days it will be my 7 year blogaversary. Unfortunately in 9 days it will mark 8 months since the last time Nick spanked me or really showed any real interest in continuing with DD at all. This is the longest we’ve ever gone, and it just feels…permanent. I know I’ve been here before, but there were a grand total of 3 spankings in the last 12 months. It just seems to me that with him knowing how very much I need this, that level of effort just means that he doesn’t much care.
I realize that things are busy with the new baby, but there have been multiple occasions when the kids were all in bed asleep and we had time to ourselves and he basically spent it napping on the couch, which frankly is where he is right now. And lest you think I’ve been too subtle, there have been a number of times since we brought Jack home when I’ve laid it out for him that I really needed a spanking. Every time he acknowledged me and then immediately forgot about it.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’d love to be able to not need this. I mean, ideally I’d love to have him on board with it and enthusiastic about it, but if he’s never going to really commit it to it, I have no desire to be a burden on him. Every time I’ve ever asked him if he wanted to just drop the whole thing, he’s assured me he wanted to keep this a part of our marriage, but every year he’s been less and less committed to it until now when we’re at the point that it feels like something I just fantasized about.
I know this is not my usual sunny post, and I really do realize what a blessed life I have, but I needed to vent, and this is obviously the only place I have to do that.
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3 comments:
Hi Tracy,
I'm a friendly "lurker." I've never posted a comment before, but I have enjoyed your blog for years and missed you during your short hiatus. I'm glad everything is okay with you and the new baby. (I was beginning to worry a little!)
Regarding Nick and your current situation I can only say as a wife of 23 years, Aww, honey, hang in there! It's going to be okay! =} Really, it will. Three kids is a hard adjustment (we have four), and although you didn't indicate that that necessarily has anything to do with your current frustration, I can only imagine that it might. My bet is that everything will fall back into place soon.
I wish I could be more sage than that! But mostly I wanted to write to say hello, that I've enjoyed your blog, and that your fun little voice in the blog world is a blessing.
Diana
For me, babies turned everything upside down. The normal swing of things is so different, sometimes it just takes time to readjust. I hope things get better for you soon.
Tracy, I had a baby almost two years ago and we are attempt number 3 of trying to get back on track. She is not a great sleeper and when she does sleep we are so exhausted that there's nothing left. DD gets harder with more kids.
My hubby is a lot like yours. He says he wants it and sees the benefits, but the initiative is lacking. This restart was his idea so I'm hopeful.
I'll be praying that Nick can come come to a place where he fully understands how important this is to you.
Best wishes and congrats on your precious baby boy!!!
April
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