Tonight I found the journal I started keeping when we began DD. At the beginning of it were two entries surrounding my second punishment spanking, the first the day of (before it happened), and the second the day after. They're both important to me because they take me back to the wonder of discovering that what I needed really was more than just spanking - it was the attending discipline and security. I never actually intended for anyone else to ever see them (even Nick at the time they were written), but they remind me of learning new truths, and as such they're valuable to me, and maybe they'll even help someone else who's there now.
01/23/2004
I sit here, obsessively counting the minutes. Time has come unraveled, leaping off its spool and spiraling off into the darkness of my fear. These minutes do not contain sixty seconds. I thought I was prepared for this. Twenty-four hours ago this course was not set in stone. One short day ago I could've chosen to sail smoothly.
But here I sit, nervously playing out a script I wrote and no longer want to be a part of. I want to flee. I want to never face the music of my own composition. Yet even as I frantically search the impending situation for any means of escape, I recognize this beautiful terror as necessary. This lovely dance has been waiting for me for centuries.
1/24/2004
The fluttering in my belly has calmed but not ceased. Even now, the ordeal over, the Event passed, I lose my breath in fearful anticipation of the consequence I relive with every sudden move.
It was, in the beginning, nothing I wanted and everything I needed, and as I felt the fire encompass my body, my very essence, the resistance melted away. My own submission thrilled and soothed me, and I know that this is the woman I was meant to be.
You have broken me and made me whole again, and the pieces are a perfect fit. Through it all, the certainty, the sheer inevitability of the outcome caught me and held me, a precious safety net, a promise to be consistent even when I fail.
In six years you have never lost the power to make me tremble. I have given myself to you a million times in a thousand different ways, and each time discovered a different truth about myself. You have chiseled away at my layers, carved away my rebellion with sweetness and force and made me better. For this I am indebted.
Copyright AngelBrat 2004
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
9 comments:
This was really beautiful, Tracy. Thanks so much for sharing it here. Lovely, indeed.
Beautiful, tracy. Thanks for sharing with us. Glad it's worked for you both.
Beautiful is one way of describing it, but I'd call it breathtaking!
Wow, I'm still having trouble breathing. Thanks for posting a very personal account of your beginning journey into dd.
Chula, thank you. It's wonderful to see you here. :)
Lady Calliah, thank you as well. I think it has begun to work out rather well. :)
Grace, thank you for your lovely comments. I wasn't sure I wanted to post it, but now I'm glad that I did. :)
beautiful...thank you for sharing that with us...
*hug*
Thank you, annissa. :)
Hugs,
Tracy
Thank you, Jayda.
*hugs*
I agree with everyone else. This was beautiful.
Thanks for sharing.
Hugs,
Janet
Thank you, Janet. :)
Hugs,
Tracy
Post a Comment