Yeah, about that...

Yesterday I spent all day mentally working myself up to shutting down the blog. I spent time researching what I needed to do to take down the posts, then time actually taking them all down. By the time Nick was home I was done with that, but I still needed to put up my last post. So I fixed dinner and got everybody fed and got the baby settled in his swing, then finally curled up on the couch to write.

At some point Nick asked me what I was doing. I just wanted to get it done without talking about it anymore, so I told him I was just playing around online.

"You're writing your Dear John Blog letter aren't you?"

Big internal sigh, but I said, "Yes, I'm putting up a final post."

"What's it say?"

"You can read it after I post it if you're curious," I said. I finished up and set the laptop on the ottoman and told him I was going to go take a shower. By this time he was deeply involved with his new Tiger Woods PS3 game. His (and Morgan's) birthday is the 24th, and we had bought the game system and game for his birthday gift.

I headed upstairs and climbed into a hot bath and let myself have the opportunity to shed some private tears and just let it go. I thought I was good to go by the time I got out, but once I got dressed afterwards I lay down on the bed to rest my eyes just for a minute, and the tears started back again. Finally I got my game face on and went downstairs to tuck the girls in.

Once I'd spent a few minutes telling a bedtime story I rejoined Nick in the living room. He was still playing his game, and the laptop was right where I'd left it, so I assumed he hadn't read my post. I picked up my phone and read the comments by PK and kiwigirl. He asked what I was doing, so I told him I was reading a couple of comments.

"I just saw the one," he said. Ah, so he had read it.

"There's another one now." He just kind of shook his head at me, like he thought I was being silly.

"Do you think I did the right thing?"

"I told you last night I didn't think you should take it down."

He did NOT!

"You did NOT!"

"Yes I did."

"You certainly did not. What you told me was that you just weren't going to ever be able to do what I needed without me asking and-"

"I told you that it was a part of you and you should keep it up. It's an outlet for you."

It was at this point that my sanity took itself off to a distant corner of my mind to throw up its hands and scream a bit.

"Honey, it's not been much of an outlet for me for a long time." And you never told me to leave it up! I added silently.

Anyway, at that point it was getting late, so he turned off his game. I handed him the baby to take up while I locked up the house. When I got upstairs I expected him to already be under the covers half asleep, but he was lying sideways across the bed playing with Jack. I lay down beside them and we spent a few minutes playing with our sweet boy and talking about how very blessed we were that God had allowed him to be so healthy and perfect. There are two craft bloggers I follow that were pregnant at the same time as me, although I was due several months before them. Both of their babies came early and only lived for a short time, and my heart just aches for them.

Finally he looked at me and said, "I'm sorry I've not been meeting your needs."

"Honey, I'm the one who's been asking you to be someone you're not, and I'm sorry."

"This is a part of who you are."

"I know that, but I've got no interest in being a burden on you."

"You're not a burden on me."

"What do you think I should do here?"

"I think you should put the blog back up."

Oh.

Okay.

"I promise to try to do better meeting your needs," he said. There was other stuff, but that was the gist of it. Then we put Jack down in the little bedside carrier he sleeps in and we made love. And yes, there was some spanking.

And yes, I feel a little ridiculous. And relieved. And grateful. And in retrospect I do remember him telling me the night before that it was a part of who I am, but I was trying so hard to stay strong and focused on letting go that I never heard him say he thought it would be a mistake to delete it.

So, I guess you guys are stuck with me.