Hey, everyone. I went to the doctor yesterday and the baby's 3 pounds and 10 ounces. Everything looks good, although she wants me to come back weekly until she's satisfied with my blood sugar readings. They've been decent for the most part so far, so I would appreciate your prayers that that continues.
I've been really struggling lately, although it's hard for me to pinpoint exactly what the issue is. I just feel really faded, completely wrung out physically and emotionally. I tried to talk to Nick yesterday about our relationship and the things I need from it, but he shut the conversation down pretty quickly. This is frustrating for me, because I know that he's not a person who enjoys talking about "his feelings", but it makes me feel like I also can't talk about mine. And that just leaves me really tired, like it's not worth the effort to try to express my needs because they just don't matter.
All of that probably sounds really awful about him, and I don't mean to be unfair, because he's going through a lot of adjustments too. It just seems like once upon a time I could talk to him about this stuff, and now he just doesn't have the time or the energy to devote to it. The impression I get is that he's only got so much patience and commitment to give, and right now it's all being used up by the baby situation and all the changes that is bringing. It feels like that wall of security I used to feel from him is giving way, and I'm terrified that if I keep pushing I'll push right through it.
Once upon a time I could count on him to do what I needed him to do when I felt stressed like this. Is it unfair of me to still want that? The fact that we're having this baby is not any more my doing than it is his, but I feel like the fact that I'm glad she's coming means that he blames me for everything that's changing and I have to give up everything he was doing before. And I know what everybody says: "COMMUNICATE! TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL!" Simple, right? Except that's clearly not a viable option here. I've tried to talk to him. It always ends up with me talking to myself, sounding more and more desperate and clingy, which of course makes him less and less able to hear what I'm saying, and the whole thing becomes just a waste of energy and emotions.
Every time I open my mouth to have a discussion about anything more serious than dinner it's a toss up as to whether I'm actually going to jump in and try to have the talk about money or our relationship or our plans for my job or whatever. Half the time I see the whole coming conversation unfolding in my head and I just opt out of it. The whole DD thing, for instance - on almost every occasion in the last 6 months when I've tried to tell him I'm feeling the need he's shot back "Look, you want me to do this, then you need to accept that it's going to happen when I think it needs to happen, not when you think it does. You say you want me to be in charge, but you really want to run this your way!" Okay, sure, valid point, right? Except that the whole reason for doing it at all is because it's something I need. He doesn't (didn't) do it because it was something that helped him. If he doesn't to want to do it in any way that is nurturing to me, then why bother at all?
It's not like I'm just unhappy with an occasional decision of his; it's that it never, ever comes up at all unless I try to bring it up. And I'm not talking about just him coming down on me - there's very little need for that. I'm talking about him just being there when I'm not handling my time very well, or more frequently, when I'm becoming overstressed. Anyway, that was exactly what I was saying to him yesterday when he said "How did we get started talking about this again," making it abundantly clear of course that he was not going to have the conversation. Anyway, I'm just venting here. He rarely reads the blog anymore, so I'd be a little shocked if he even started the post, let alone made it this far. I know that we will eventually get past this. Once the baby comes and I can get past the pregnancy complications and we get into a routine and get settled financially then this will all resolve itself one way or another. I just need a place to yell right now.
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3 comments:
I know. I really do understand and like you said you know and are doing all the things that we would suggest. But you know I also think you are right about things settelling down after the baby comes.
You when you must communicate do in in short bursts. If it's an email - no more than 5 sentences. We girls can go on for pages but the guys just don't want to read (or hear) all that. If we can't get it across in 5 sentences we've lost them.
And you might turn things around on him. Ask him in person or in email "Is there some little thing you need me to do for you sometimes? Foot massage, something I haven't cooked in a while that you miss, giving you 15 minutes alone when you first get home from work?"
He might not say anything but it never hurts to ask. Don't ask him for anything. I don't know, it might help him relax.
I'm like you sometimes it just really helps to vent. That's what we're all here for.
Email anytime,
PK
that was totally unfair. i do read your blog, and i do listen to your feelings. i understand your needs, and in the past few weeks, i have made several attempts at dealing with things. you have been the one to shut me down.
You're right - it was for the most part unfair. I just needed to vent, and I felt like this was the place to do it. I would never, ever want to hurt you, and right now my perspective sometimes ends up skewed.
I love you,
Tracy
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