Hi, guys. Not too much to post about, just felt like rambling. The other day I had myself almost convinced that it was a good time to have a talk with Nick about spanking and DD and what his leadership means to me. I figured that with him dealing with an injured back right now, it would automatically take the onus off of him to actually act on such a conversation with any kind of immediacy, and it would keep the whole thing pretty low pressure. Then I realized that all it would do would be to add stress to his whole recovery, and that's the last thing I want.
I've really been praying about it, because this is a serious thing for me. These are real needs, and if Nick won't or can't meet them, then they'll just go unmet, because I'm certainly not taking them to someone else. But that of course is not ideal. It's not a good marriage for either of us if one of us is constantly hungering. And that leads me as always to wonder if I just shouldn't "be this way." Not that it's wrong in itself to be someone who wants to have a DD marriage - just that maybe it's wrong for me. But if that's the case, I don't know how to fix me. And please understand that I'm only talking about me and my situation. The last thing I want anyone to take from this blog is the idea that spankos need to be "fixed." I just think that for me - well, shouldn't I fit with the person God chose for me to marry?
The thing is, I'm no good at knowing just exactly what I'm supposed to do. I'm always afraid that I'm going to mistake my own desires for God's leading. So I'm leaving things just as they are. The ball is in God's court now, and if this is truly supposed to be a part of our marriage, then the next conversation we have about it will be initiated by Nick. And if that never comes, then I have to trust God to mold my needs and desires to what they need to be. Now if I can just keep my mouth shut...
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Just life.
Gosh, I feel like I don't have much to post about here these days. Life has been pretty good. God has really been amazing providing for us financially the last couple of weeks.
This past Monday Nick randomly twisted his back when he leaned over to tie his shoe, and it just sent him to his knees in pain. There was no way he could even drive, let alone go to work that day, and I was freaking out worried about how we were going to pay for treatment. I called my mom and asked if she would care to come take Morgan to school while I stayed with him, and she agreed. When she got back home, she called and suggested a chiropractor she knew of who had been known to work out payment plans for patients who needed it. We don't have insurance and are still trying to pay off the bills from where I had Daisy, so I told her she could go ahead call the guy and see what he could do.
Much to my surprise she called back 10 minutes later with great news. Not only did the doctor agree to a payment plan, he also agreed to a ridiculously low fee for the treatment ($50 for x-rays, $40 for the visit, and $20 for adjustments), and she had scheduled Nick an appointment for that afternoon. We took him in and the doctor was just awesome. Unfortunately it turns out that Nick has a disc injury, and he's had to have several adjustments this week. The good news is that it seems to have helped him tremendously, and the price is right.
One thing we were really worried about was making up for the missed day of work on his paycheck. Thursday night my brother (our pastor) unexpectedly called and asked if he could stop by. He came over and dropped off an envelope with enough cash in it to more than make up for the shortage. The church benevolence committee had, without us asking or even mentioning the need, decided to gift us with the money. My brother let them know that he did not want to influence the vote since he's family, so this was done completely without his input, something I was very glad of so that there's no question of impropriety. Anyway, we were just overwhelmed with the gesture, and the money definitely came in handy!
Daisy will be a year old on October 5, and we'll be having a small birthday party for her in the church's fellowship hall. My mom and mother-in-law have taken care of almost all the arrangements for it, and I'm so excited that we get to do it!
That's all the happy news I have. In other news, I'm feeling pretty discouraged about the possibility of DD being resumed. It just doesn't seem to be on the table. And I can feel myself drawing inward. I can recognize the struggle for what it is, but I don't know what to do about it. Communication is just not an option here. It's been communicated into the ground, and there's just no benefit to it. The irony here is that every time over the years the I've told him I was willing to let it go, he's assured me he was still on board with continuing. This time I had managed to tell him that I wanted to start the weekly spankings and things were going well with it (I thought). Then he just...stopped. No fight, no warning, no indication that he was done with it, but it does seem to be the case. And I feel abandoned, and hurt, and at the same time unsurprised and like this is only what I had coming. Perhaps this is finally it.
This past Monday Nick randomly twisted his back when he leaned over to tie his shoe, and it just sent him to his knees in pain. There was no way he could even drive, let alone go to work that day, and I was freaking out worried about how we were going to pay for treatment. I called my mom and asked if she would care to come take Morgan to school while I stayed with him, and she agreed. When she got back home, she called and suggested a chiropractor she knew of who had been known to work out payment plans for patients who needed it. We don't have insurance and are still trying to pay off the bills from where I had Daisy, so I told her she could go ahead call the guy and see what he could do.
Much to my surprise she called back 10 minutes later with great news. Not only did the doctor agree to a payment plan, he also agreed to a ridiculously low fee for the treatment ($50 for x-rays, $40 for the visit, and $20 for adjustments), and she had scheduled Nick an appointment for that afternoon. We took him in and the doctor was just awesome. Unfortunately it turns out that Nick has a disc injury, and he's had to have several adjustments this week. The good news is that it seems to have helped him tremendously, and the price is right.
One thing we were really worried about was making up for the missed day of work on his paycheck. Thursday night my brother (our pastor) unexpectedly called and asked if he could stop by. He came over and dropped off an envelope with enough cash in it to more than make up for the shortage. The church benevolence committee had, without us asking or even mentioning the need, decided to gift us with the money. My brother let them know that he did not want to influence the vote since he's family, so this was done completely without his input, something I was very glad of so that there's no question of impropriety. Anyway, we were just overwhelmed with the gesture, and the money definitely came in handy!
Daisy will be a year old on October 5, and we'll be having a small birthday party for her in the church's fellowship hall. My mom and mother-in-law have taken care of almost all the arrangements for it, and I'm so excited that we get to do it!
That's all the happy news I have. In other news, I'm feeling pretty discouraged about the possibility of DD being resumed. It just doesn't seem to be on the table. And I can feel myself drawing inward. I can recognize the struggle for what it is, but I don't know what to do about it. Communication is just not an option here. It's been communicated into the ground, and there's just no benefit to it. The irony here is that every time over the years the I've told him I was willing to let it go, he's assured me he was still on board with continuing. This time I had managed to tell him that I wanted to start the weekly spankings and things were going well with it (I thought). Then he just...stopped. No fight, no warning, no indication that he was done with it, but it does seem to be the case. And I feel abandoned, and hurt, and at the same time unsurprised and like this is only what I had coming. Perhaps this is finally it.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
The Marriage Bed
In my last post I mentioned a website called The Marriage Bed. The name references Hebrews 13:4:
Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
To me the meaning of this verse is pretty clear-cut: God gave us sex, to be enjoyed within the bounds of marriage, and there is no sex act we can do within the bounds of marriage that He considers sin. A lot of Christians will tell you that they feel that anything other than plain vanilla vaginal intercourse is wrong, even if it's with your spouse. I just can't buy that. God does not make it hard for us to tell whether or not something is a sin. I feel that if it's wrong for a husband and wife to engage in oral sex, anal sex, kinky sex, whatever, then He would have said so. Now a lot of people take the verses in the Bible that speak of homosexuality and say that it defines anal sex as an unnatural act. I can see where they get that, but I don't agree. I think that the "unnatural act" part of it applies specifically to homosexual relations. I don't think that God dictates what sexual positions are okay between a husband and wife. I think that "the marriage bed is undefiled" pretty much says it all.
Let me say here that I am not interested in having a debate with anyone on homosexuality. There are plenty of places you can go to discuss that, and you're welcome to visit those sites, but we're not going to do it here. My whole reason for this post is to discuss The Marriage Bed's stance on DD.
If you will read the page there, you will see that the authors have spent some time "studying" DD, and they feel that they have a good understanding of it. Unfortunately they are handicapped by a few assumptions that they can't seem to get past. I'd like to list and address them individually.
1. They believe that all DDers see DD as the right path for everyone and condemn those who disagree.
I have yet to meet the DD couple that states that DD is right for everyone. I'm sure they're out there, because there's always someone who thinks their way for doing everything is best, but the attitude is far from pervasive.
2. They believe that most or all Christians who practice DD believe that it's mandated by God's Word.
Okay, I obviously can't speak for all Christians, but I can certainly speak for myself. I believe very strongly in Ephesians 5:22-24 which states:
"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing."
BUT, in no way do I believe that this is God telling husbands and wives that a domestic discipline relationship is required. I do not see anywhere in the Bible where a DD relationship is prohibited, but I also do not believe that it is required.
3. They believe that it treats women as dumber or less capable than men.
Okay, have you met most of the female DD bloggers out here? These are some of the smartest, most capable, most well-rounded, most cherished women I know! And it's because they are smart and capable that they have a full grasp of what it means to trust their husbands with their needs, and what it means to give their submission as a gift.
4. They believe that DDers categorically deny that the lifestyle has anything to do with their sexuality and that if it did have anything to do with sex it would just be plain old BDSM.
In my experience, most DD couples consist of at least one person who has a sexual desire for spanking. That does not mean that there's no other facet of DD. There are lots of things that can speak to your sexuality without being primarily about sex. For instance, a lot of women are very turned on when they see their husbands being good fathers. It turns me on to see Nick working outdoors. Most women find a sense of humor very sexy. Basically, I guess I'm saying that it's not necessarily all or nothing, and I don't know of too many DD couples who follow that line of thought.
5. They believe that DD cannot be legitimate if the wife was the one who requested it. In other words, if she wanted it, it must just be a game to her.
Okay, sure, there are plenty of women out there topping from the bottom. I'm not going to deny that happens, because it does. I've been guilty of it myself, although it's not an effective way to make DD happen for you. But I notice they don't claim that a husband can't be a real leader as God intends if his wife encourages him in that. In fact, there are plenty of Christian websites out there telling you how to foster your husband's leadership skills. It's not a sin to desire a husband who will lead, and initiating that change in your marriage does not mean that he can't be a valid leader, even if that leadership manifests itself in DD.
6. They also express concern with the fact that spanking seems to be the discipline of choice in most circumstances, and they seem to feel that this makes the whole thing too sexual.
My response to this is...WHO CARES? Who cares if the dynamic in the relationship you have with your spouse involves sex? If it works for you and your spouse and it doesn't go against God's word, then why is it anybody's business just how sexual it is? If you're both okay with spanking being involved, why the heck should it make a difference to anyone else in the world?
Anyway, a reader emailed me the other day for my thoughts on that particular page of The Marriage Bed, and I wanted to address it in a bit more depth than I had time to do in my email response. I do want to say that I find most of the other aspects on the site to be well thought out and Biblically founded. It's only their take on DD that I take exception to.
Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
To me the meaning of this verse is pretty clear-cut: God gave us sex, to be enjoyed within the bounds of marriage, and there is no sex act we can do within the bounds of marriage that He considers sin. A lot of Christians will tell you that they feel that anything other than plain vanilla vaginal intercourse is wrong, even if it's with your spouse. I just can't buy that. God does not make it hard for us to tell whether or not something is a sin. I feel that if it's wrong for a husband and wife to engage in oral sex, anal sex, kinky sex, whatever, then He would have said so. Now a lot of people take the verses in the Bible that speak of homosexuality and say that it defines anal sex as an unnatural act. I can see where they get that, but I don't agree. I think that the "unnatural act" part of it applies specifically to homosexual relations. I don't think that God dictates what sexual positions are okay between a husband and wife. I think that "the marriage bed is undefiled" pretty much says it all.
Let me say here that I am not interested in having a debate with anyone on homosexuality. There are plenty of places you can go to discuss that, and you're welcome to visit those sites, but we're not going to do it here. My whole reason for this post is to discuss The Marriage Bed's stance on DD.
If you will read the page there, you will see that the authors have spent some time "studying" DD, and they feel that they have a good understanding of it. Unfortunately they are handicapped by a few assumptions that they can't seem to get past. I'd like to list and address them individually.
1. They believe that all DDers see DD as the right path for everyone and condemn those who disagree.
I have yet to meet the DD couple that states that DD is right for everyone. I'm sure they're out there, because there's always someone who thinks their way for doing everything is best, but the attitude is far from pervasive.
2. They believe that most or all Christians who practice DD believe that it's mandated by God's Word.
Okay, I obviously can't speak for all Christians, but I can certainly speak for myself. I believe very strongly in Ephesians 5:22-24 which states:
"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing."
BUT, in no way do I believe that this is God telling husbands and wives that a domestic discipline relationship is required. I do not see anywhere in the Bible where a DD relationship is prohibited, but I also do not believe that it is required.
3. They believe that it treats women as dumber or less capable than men.
Okay, have you met most of the female DD bloggers out here? These are some of the smartest, most capable, most well-rounded, most cherished women I know! And it's because they are smart and capable that they have a full grasp of what it means to trust their husbands with their needs, and what it means to give their submission as a gift.
4. They believe that DDers categorically deny that the lifestyle has anything to do with their sexuality and that if it did have anything to do with sex it would just be plain old BDSM.
In my experience, most DD couples consist of at least one person who has a sexual desire for spanking. That does not mean that there's no other facet of DD. There are lots of things that can speak to your sexuality without being primarily about sex. For instance, a lot of women are very turned on when they see their husbands being good fathers. It turns me on to see Nick working outdoors. Most women find a sense of humor very sexy. Basically, I guess I'm saying that it's not necessarily all or nothing, and I don't know of too many DD couples who follow that line of thought.
5. They believe that DD cannot be legitimate if the wife was the one who requested it. In other words, if she wanted it, it must just be a game to her.
Okay, sure, there are plenty of women out there topping from the bottom. I'm not going to deny that happens, because it does. I've been guilty of it myself, although it's not an effective way to make DD happen for you. But I notice they don't claim that a husband can't be a real leader as God intends if his wife encourages him in that. In fact, there are plenty of Christian websites out there telling you how to foster your husband's leadership skills. It's not a sin to desire a husband who will lead, and initiating that change in your marriage does not mean that he can't be a valid leader, even if that leadership manifests itself in DD.
6. They also express concern with the fact that spanking seems to be the discipline of choice in most circumstances, and they seem to feel that this makes the whole thing too sexual.
My response to this is...WHO CARES? Who cares if the dynamic in the relationship you have with your spouse involves sex? If it works for you and your spouse and it doesn't go against God's word, then why is it anybody's business just how sexual it is? If you're both okay with spanking being involved, why the heck should it make a difference to anyone else in the world?
Anyway, a reader emailed me the other day for my thoughts on that particular page of The Marriage Bed, and I wanted to address it in a bit more depth than I had time to do in my email response. I do want to say that I find most of the other aspects on the site to be well thought out and Biblically founded. It's only their take on DD that I take exception to.
Secret Sunburns
I subscribe to an email list called The Generous Wife, and I get a daily email on how to be, well, a generous wife. Now I want to put a disclaimer out there - the author of this list is also one of the authors of The Marriage Bed. I think The Marriage Bed has a lot of great advice, but one thing I strongly disagree with is their stance on DD. This post is not about my views on that, so I will go into it on another post. Anyway, the husband of the lady who writes the Generous Wife posts has a companion list entitled The Generous Husband. Occasionally she will share one of his posts, as she did today, and I found it particularly relevant to my relationship with Nick:
Calamine Anyone?
Filed under: dealing with self — The Generous Wife @ 1:30 am
My husband did a lovely post yesterday that I want to pass on to y'all. It's a very helpful concept when you find yourself clueless over your husband's (or your own) behavior.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Imagine I had a bad sunburn, but wore a shirt so you could not see it. If you came up and hugged me (I’m from Texas, everyone hugs) it would hurt – probably a lot. Now imagine if rather than hugging me, you slapped me on the back – very hard. That would hurt even more.
In the first instance, you have no intention to hurt me – in fact, you intended to bless me. In the second instance what you did was not nice, and would have hurt had I not been sunburned, but my pain would be far greater than what you intended.
What if I reacted in each situation without telling you I was sunburned? In the first case you would think I was crazy, in the second you would think I was a big baby making way too much out of something minor.
The same kind of things happens in marriages all the time, except that the sunburn is wounds of the heart and mind, wounds that can never be seen. What’s more, we tend to either not know or not care that our wounds are not the norm – we expect the world to see the wounds and treat us accordingly, or we think the entire world is similarly wounded and thus similarly sensitive.
So, your wife has one of these hidden sunburns, and you do something you think is nice, like a hug. She reacts with hurt or anger, and you have no idea why. She can’t or won’t explain. Or, you slap her on the back and she goes off on you, telling you how mean and horrible you are. You can see that it might have been a bit much, but her reaction is so over-the-top that you feel wronged by her. It’s clear to you she is unreasonable and can’t be talked to, and you pull back.
You can avoid a lot of trouble by learning see the wounds in yourself that your bride is hitting. Help her to understand, or at least be aware of, your injuries so that she can try to avoid them while you work to get them healed. Additionally, when your bride over reacts, don’t chalk it up to her hormones or just being irrational – try to figure out if you are hitting an internal sunburn.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Be generous! Lori
Nick and I have been arguing a lot lately. And when we've not been arguing, we've been closed off from each other, wary of getting too close. And this email made me realize that we've both had some "hidden sunburns" that have been affecting the way we've been reacting to each other.
Nick has recently started rebuilding a 1958 Ford Fairlane. Now we don't have the extra money in our budget right now for such a project, so he took out a small, low interest loan through his job to pay for the car and part of the remodel. The guy who's selling it to him is not in a hurry for the money, but still, he needs to be paid. The problem was that the Friday the loan check came in, his paycheck was very, very short due to his manager forgetting to credit him with a week's vacation pay from when we were in Texas. So the extra money had to go for bills. Then last week when the correction from the last pay period came in, the whole check was less than we had expected due to some short days and a missing day for the Labor Day holiday. (At his job, they get a flat $40 for holidays as opposed to the $200+ they would usually earn that day). So basically, the loan for his car got eaten up by life's circumstances. And this is where the fighting came in.
I saw him as being completely unreasonable because he was blaming me for the shortage, even though I didn't run out and blow the money - I just paid the bills that had to be paid (you know, utilities, mortgage, phone bill, etc).What I wasn't really looking at was how very disappointed he was over the fact that after working as hard as he could and making every effort to make arrangements to cover the price of the car, it just wasn't happening right now.
Added to that, he and several of his friends (including the guy selling him the car) had plans to take the Fairlane and another guy's old Buick to a car show a few hours away this weekend. Unfortunately the Fairlane needs more work than there's time or money for to get it drivable by then, and that was a bitter pill for him to swallow. Plus we had made sitting arrangements for Morgan, and Daisy and I were going to make the trip with him. Now it will be just him going and sharing a ride and a hotel room with the other guys because we don't have the gas money to drive my car down or the money to pay for a separate room.
All of this has been filtered through some struggles he's having because money has been understandably tight since we went to one income. My personal belief is that I'm doing what God wants me to do in staying home with the kids. What he's thinking is "We don't have money to pay the bills because she's not working." Meanwhile I'm thinking "Hey, if you're so stressed about money, maybe you should not do things like take on a project car."
That said, I am willing to go back to work if that's what Nick wants, but it's not as simple as just going back to my old job. If I go back to the bank right now, it puts Morgan without a ride home from school, and Daisy in full time day care. In the summer it will get even more expensive because we'll have to pay for care for Morgan full time as well. Unfortunately my mom's health has declined to the point that it's just not an option for her to babysit like she did while I was working.
If I get a part time job somewhere at nights so that we don't have to have child care, it will not only have Nick and I never seeing each other, but all of his free time is going to go away completely as he'll be watching the kids while I work, so he wouldn't be rebuilding a car anyway. And that's not an ideal situation for him either. He knows in his heart that at this point in our lives we're just going to have to live a scaled back lifestyle for the good of our family, but I do understand that it's difficult to have to work so very hard and never see a dime of it, and that's been coloring his reactions and level of disappointment and blame.
As for my sunburn - well, I confess to fostering some hurt over the complete disappearance of DD over the last few months. I've tried to be reasonable and understand that he's probably not consciously neglecting it. But when we argued the other day about my decision to pay the bills without running it by him first and he started with "You say you want me to be in charge, but..." I wanted to scream. I've been so angry lately, finding myself wanting to purposely not do the things I know need to be done around the house (indeed, the things I intentionally signed up for when I became a stay at home mom) just because it seems obvious that he's not interested in showing any form of appreciation or leadership no matter what I do.
Adding to my frustration was the fact that he decided to buy this car without ever discussing it with me. His viewpoint? "You're not working, so it's none of your business what I do with MY money." Okay, I can even see where that's coming from, but I still expect us to be a team. And if he's not going to get my input, then at the least I expect to not be blamed when the plans he made without me don't come to fruition. And if he insists on taking all the freedom of decision that comes with being head of the household, then he also needs to take on the responsibility of meeting the needs of the household (and wife!) he is the head of.
And I might be right in all of that. But none of this is productive. I have to do what I need to do regardless of whether or not I feel like he's doing his part. My obligation is to be the wife God leads me to be, and I can't base that on what Nick's doing. His job as my husband is between him and God, and I have to stop worrying about it. I can't say "Well I'm not going be the wife he needs until he's the husband I need." That doesn't help anyone. And we did get some hurts resolved a few days ago after we took the time to step back from our anger. I don't want to portray Nick as a jerk here, because he's not, and we've both been at fault. I do realize that he's taken on a lot in becoming the sole breadwinner (other than my still very small photography business), and that comes with a lot of stress.
Anyway, the email really gave me a different perspective on things, and I wanted to share. Sorry this has not been much of a fun blog lately, and I hope you are all doing well.
Calamine Anyone?
Filed under: dealing with self — The Generous Wife @ 1:30 am
My husband did a lovely post yesterday that I want to pass on to y'all. It's a very helpful concept when you find yourself clueless over your husband's (or your own) behavior.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Imagine I had a bad sunburn, but wore a shirt so you could not see it. If you came up and hugged me (I’m from Texas, everyone hugs) it would hurt – probably a lot. Now imagine if rather than hugging me, you slapped me on the back – very hard. That would hurt even more.
In the first instance, you have no intention to hurt me – in fact, you intended to bless me. In the second instance what you did was not nice, and would have hurt had I not been sunburned, but my pain would be far greater than what you intended.
What if I reacted in each situation without telling you I was sunburned? In the first case you would think I was crazy, in the second you would think I was a big baby making way too much out of something minor.
The same kind of things happens in marriages all the time, except that the sunburn is wounds of the heart and mind, wounds that can never be seen. What’s more, we tend to either not know or not care that our wounds are not the norm – we expect the world to see the wounds and treat us accordingly, or we think the entire world is similarly wounded and thus similarly sensitive.
So, your wife has one of these hidden sunburns, and you do something you think is nice, like a hug. She reacts with hurt or anger, and you have no idea why. She can’t or won’t explain. Or, you slap her on the back and she goes off on you, telling you how mean and horrible you are. You can see that it might have been a bit much, but her reaction is so over-the-top that you feel wronged by her. It’s clear to you she is unreasonable and can’t be talked to, and you pull back.
You can avoid a lot of trouble by learning see the wounds in yourself that your bride is hitting. Help her to understand, or at least be aware of, your injuries so that she can try to avoid them while you work to get them healed. Additionally, when your bride over reacts, don’t chalk it up to her hormones or just being irrational – try to figure out if you are hitting an internal sunburn.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Be generous! Lori
Nick and I have been arguing a lot lately. And when we've not been arguing, we've been closed off from each other, wary of getting too close. And this email made me realize that we've both had some "hidden sunburns" that have been affecting the way we've been reacting to each other.
Nick has recently started rebuilding a 1958 Ford Fairlane. Now we don't have the extra money in our budget right now for such a project, so he took out a small, low interest loan through his job to pay for the car and part of the remodel. The guy who's selling it to him is not in a hurry for the money, but still, he needs to be paid. The problem was that the Friday the loan check came in, his paycheck was very, very short due to his manager forgetting to credit him with a week's vacation pay from when we were in Texas. So the extra money had to go for bills. Then last week when the correction from the last pay period came in, the whole check was less than we had expected due to some short days and a missing day for the Labor Day holiday. (At his job, they get a flat $40 for holidays as opposed to the $200+ they would usually earn that day). So basically, the loan for his car got eaten up by life's circumstances. And this is where the fighting came in.
I saw him as being completely unreasonable because he was blaming me for the shortage, even though I didn't run out and blow the money - I just paid the bills that had to be paid (you know, utilities, mortgage, phone bill, etc).What I wasn't really looking at was how very disappointed he was over the fact that after working as hard as he could and making every effort to make arrangements to cover the price of the car, it just wasn't happening right now.
Added to that, he and several of his friends (including the guy selling him the car) had plans to take the Fairlane and another guy's old Buick to a car show a few hours away this weekend. Unfortunately the Fairlane needs more work than there's time or money for to get it drivable by then, and that was a bitter pill for him to swallow. Plus we had made sitting arrangements for Morgan, and Daisy and I were going to make the trip with him. Now it will be just him going and sharing a ride and a hotel room with the other guys because we don't have the gas money to drive my car down or the money to pay for a separate room.
All of this has been filtered through some struggles he's having because money has been understandably tight since we went to one income. My personal belief is that I'm doing what God wants me to do in staying home with the kids. What he's thinking is "We don't have money to pay the bills because she's not working." Meanwhile I'm thinking "Hey, if you're so stressed about money, maybe you should not do things like take on a project car."
That said, I am willing to go back to work if that's what Nick wants, but it's not as simple as just going back to my old job. If I go back to the bank right now, it puts Morgan without a ride home from school, and Daisy in full time day care. In the summer it will get even more expensive because we'll have to pay for care for Morgan full time as well. Unfortunately my mom's health has declined to the point that it's just not an option for her to babysit like she did while I was working.
If I get a part time job somewhere at nights so that we don't have to have child care, it will not only have Nick and I never seeing each other, but all of his free time is going to go away completely as he'll be watching the kids while I work, so he wouldn't be rebuilding a car anyway. And that's not an ideal situation for him either. He knows in his heart that at this point in our lives we're just going to have to live a scaled back lifestyle for the good of our family, but I do understand that it's difficult to have to work so very hard and never see a dime of it, and that's been coloring his reactions and level of disappointment and blame.
As for my sunburn - well, I confess to fostering some hurt over the complete disappearance of DD over the last few months. I've tried to be reasonable and understand that he's probably not consciously neglecting it. But when we argued the other day about my decision to pay the bills without running it by him first and he started with "You say you want me to be in charge, but..." I wanted to scream. I've been so angry lately, finding myself wanting to purposely not do the things I know need to be done around the house (indeed, the things I intentionally signed up for when I became a stay at home mom) just because it seems obvious that he's not interested in showing any form of appreciation or leadership no matter what I do.
Adding to my frustration was the fact that he decided to buy this car without ever discussing it with me. His viewpoint? "You're not working, so it's none of your business what I do with MY money." Okay, I can even see where that's coming from, but I still expect us to be a team. And if he's not going to get my input, then at the least I expect to not be blamed when the plans he made without me don't come to fruition. And if he insists on taking all the freedom of decision that comes with being head of the household, then he also needs to take on the responsibility of meeting the needs of the household (and wife!) he is the head of.
And I might be right in all of that. But none of this is productive. I have to do what I need to do regardless of whether or not I feel like he's doing his part. My obligation is to be the wife God leads me to be, and I can't base that on what Nick's doing. His job as my husband is between him and God, and I have to stop worrying about it. I can't say "Well I'm not going be the wife he needs until he's the husband I need." That doesn't help anyone. And we did get some hurts resolved a few days ago after we took the time to step back from our anger. I don't want to portray Nick as a jerk here, because he's not, and we've both been at fault. I do realize that he's taken on a lot in becoming the sole breadwinner (other than my still very small photography business), and that comes with a lot of stress.
Anyway, the email really gave me a different perspective on things, and I wanted to share. Sorry this has not been much of a fun blog lately, and I hope you are all doing well.
Friday, September 03, 2010
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Thursday, September 02, 2010
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Spanky-Dinks
A couple of days ago I introduced Morgan to the wonder of Shrinky-Dinks. If you're not familiar with the product (Nick wasn't), it's a special kind of plastic that comes in sheets which can be decorated, then placed in the oven to shrink into a permanent design that is 1/3 of it's original size and 9 times thicker. We made a few keychains and other random things, one of which was a name tag for Morgan's backpack. Today she came home from school with a page of orders from her classmates. :)
Now you know that anything I can put my own spin on, I will, so of course I had to make a few personal ones for me. These are not my own designs, just images I found online and traced onto the plastic. The celtic heart is actually a tracing of my tattoo, and I also made Nick a keychain with the same verse on it. The Ephesians verse one is now adorning my own keys. :) As for the others, they're just for fun. I plan on eventually doing a set with a different implement on each so that they can be used as some sort of game tokens. Anyway, that's been my preoccupation for the last couple of days. :)
Now you know that anything I can put my own spin on, I will, so of course I had to make a few personal ones for me. These are not my own designs, just images I found online and traced onto the plastic. The celtic heart is actually a tracing of my tattoo, and I also made Nick a keychain with the same verse on it. The Ephesians verse one is now adorning my own keys. :) As for the others, they're just for fun. I plan on eventually doing a set with a different implement on each so that they can be used as some sort of game tokens. Anyway, that's been my preoccupation for the last couple of days. :)
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