Baby Update

Thank you all so much for the congratulations! We're very excited, and it's nice to finally know what we're having. My blood pressure was much better yesterday at my visit, and all my lab work came back so completely normal that the lab tech called my doctor at home the night before and asked if there was something she was supposed to be looking for. The baby is doing great, developing right on schedule and in possession of all of her parts. She weighs 11 ounces and is about the size of a cantaloupe. Now for the hard part - waiting 4 months for the next sonogram!

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Gratitude Tuesday

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

Quiet
Quickies
Quilts
Quarters
Quips

Okay, I know it's short, but Q is not one of my strong points. Now for a baby update:

My boss's daughter has been pregnant, three weeks further along than me. Wednesday she lost her baby. As you can imagine, this shook me up quite a bit. She was 22 weeks and developed very high blood pressure. Now I've never had blood pressure problems in my life, but my boss finally came back to work yesterday, and I decided to check mine out. So I drove to a nearby Wal-Mart on my lunch and used their blood pressure machine. My blood pressure was 155/103! This really freaked me out, because at my check-up 4 weeks ago it was a perfectly normal 120/78. So I called my doctor, and she was concerned enough to put me on a low dosage of blood pressure medicine right away, and she wanted to see me today. This morning it was even higher (161/102) so I called and they said to come in immediately. It had gone down some by the time I got there, and went down even further by the time they tested it again later on. They did a urine sample, which was negative for protein. This is a very good thing, because it means that at this point at least it's just hypertension and not the early stages of pre-eclampsia. They did some blood work also, which I will get the results of tomorrow, and she upped my dosage on the medicine. But the most important part of the visit for me was that we got to listen to the heartbeat, which was nice and strong. In fact, the doctor had to chase the baby all around my abdomen because it was so active. That in itself was reassuring to me, because, while I feel it moving a little almost every day it's never very strong, and at least now I know that that doesn't mean that it's not hopping around in there. Anyway, tomorrow is the big visit, the one where we find out what we're having - Hooray!

A suggestive day at the car show

Nick, Morgan, and I stopped by Bike Night at a local restaurant on Thursday, and I found this bumper sticker on the back of one of the motorcycles there. It reminded me of a few people I know. ;)

We also stopped by a small car show yesterday, and a couple of things caught my eye there too. This was on the windshield of a VW Bug there.

And this sign

prompted me to go looking online and find these:

Ever have those weeks when spanking just jumps out at you everywhere?

Gratitude Tuesday

Happy Gratitude Tuesday! Today I'm grateful for things beginning with the letter P:

Peanut butter - yum!

Pickles - okay, not just any pickles. Honestly, I'm not a huge fan of most pickles. But I do like little sweet pickles, and I love pickle relish on hot dogs.

Pancakes - hmmm...there seems to be a food theme this week.

Pink - my favorite color of all!

Purple - a pretty nice color itself.

Pie - ah, back to food it seems.

Paper, pens and pencils - I've always been a huge fan of office supplies. Something was always so magical about going back to school and buying all those unspoiled packs of paper, fresh unsharpened pencils, and brand new packs of pens. Such potential! And speaking of, I'm also grateful for...

Potential - it's in all of us, and what a gift it is!

Panties - I love pretty panties, and I've always been fortunate that Nick's always been happy to indulge me in letting me buy whatever ones I want.

Parents - yes, they drive me crazy some of the time, but I really do have great ones, and Nick and I are blessed to be parents ourselves.

Pancho - Pancho is our little chihuahua. I was never, EVER going to be a small dog person, and I certainly never wanted a yappy little chihuahua. But Morgan's dog disappeared a couple of years ago, she was utterly heartbroken, and the only quick offer we had for a free replacement was a four month old chihuahua puppy. Reluctantly I agreed to take Morgan to check it out, and she fell in love immediately. We brought him home, and he's turned out to be the best dog we've ever had. He rarely barks unless he needs to go out or someone is in our yard (which sometimes happens in a subdivision), and he loves to snuggle.

Peaches, pears, and plums - Mmmmm!

Paddles - okay, this one was pretty obvious. I'm a big fan of paddles, although there are some that I love more than others. Fortunately we have a wide selection here at our house.

Punishments - Okay, maybe I'm not a fan of them exactly, but I am grateful for them, and I can appreciate their necessity.

Prenatal vitamins - these are a daily routine for me now, and not only are they providing what I need for the baby, but they're making my hair and nails grow like crazy!

Pregnancy - how could I not mention this one?

Penis - not plural, because I really only have great regard for one in particular. But I sure do appreciate that one!

Pools - my parents put in a swimming pool a few years ago, and there's nothing nicer than sliding into it on a hot summer's day!

Potatoes - so much yummy stuff you can do with them!

Whew! That was a lot of P words! I'm sure there are more, but I'm worn out!

Nick and I talked very briefly about the whole DD thing. He's still on board with it, although he's cautious about what is okay physically with the pregnancy. Either way, it's nice to know that he still wants to do this.

Lego Spanker

Via the good old Generator Blog I came across a generator to make your own Lego character. Like mine?

Lego Character Generator

A Response

Sorry for being unable to respond to comments, but I'm mobile posting and for whatever reason can't post to comments from my phone.

First of all, I want to say a huge thank you for all the sweet supportive comments you guys left on the last two posts. PK, you especially I know have been through this.

Second of all, I always welcome friendly discussion, and I'm glad to talk about my thoughts on the subject. Goddess with a Whip, I appreciate your comments, even if I don't agree with them, and I can say that they've definitely been thought provoking.

As to your questions:
Does this (DD I assume) make me happy?
The answer to that is a resounding yes. This is not some experiment to me. Nick and I have been incorporating this into our marriage for five and a half years, most of that time quite actively. I cannot tell you how much better our overall marriage is after DD compared to before. This is a need within me that goes far beyond sexuality. And certainly it manifests itself in my sexuality, but I don't believe that it necessarily stems from it.

I love being a submissive wife, but for me it's not about being overcome, or even about power exchange. It's about being safe, knowing that there are boundaries there that keep me and our marriage on the right path. And while that is in part what the text Goddess referenced talks about, the rest of it talks about the pleasure responses in being overcome, and that's just not applicable here. That's not at all what I'm craving. There are plenty of couples out there who practice Master/slave, TPE relationships, and that's perfectly fine. It's just not something that appeals to me, although there are a number of fellow bloggers in such a relationship that I consider friends. But trying to define DD in terms of sexuality is like trying to define the Amish lifestyle in terms of living without electricity. Sure that's a part of it, but it doesn't begin to encompass it, or to give it credit for it's merits. Anyway, yes, it does make happy, very much so.

Does it make your partner happy?
That one I can only answer to the best of my ability. I believe that the answer is yes. Nick and I have had many conversations about it, and he has always assured me that he feels that it makes our marriage better and that he doesn't want to stop. I have given him the option many times. I think the real problem is that often I just feel like I'm not worth the effort, but that, if I look at it honestly, is probably just my own issue and no reflection on his feelings. Lately I've been trying to be especially non-needy with DD because of all the other stresses that he's dealing with right now. The irony is that I need it now more than ever because of those very stresses, and that's why I'm venting on the blog. Am I willing to give up DD? Yes, if that's what needs to be done, but doing so will not change me on the inside, and I truly hope that we can pick it back up someday. In the meantime, I will keep coming here to talk about it to my heart's content.

My Kink is Okay, but Your Kink is Not Okay

That's the impression I got from a comment to my last post. While I certainly don't hold it against Goddess with a Whip that she's not comfortable with DD, I don't feel like I should let her comment pass without pointing out that what constitutes a "healthy way of life" will vary greatly from couple to couple. For many, many of us, spanking is far more than just play. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that for me personally, play is a very, very small part of it.

For a lot of us, DD is a much healthier choice than sublimating a very deep part of ourselves, hiding our true faces from the person who loves us most. I guess the comment seemed to me to be saying that by believing in DD as a true lifestyle, I'm being silly and delusional and taking something that's nothing more than a game way too seriously. I don't agree, but that's not so important here. What I want to make a point of saying is that if you're new at this and struggling to accept the part of you that needs more than just play, please understand that there is nothing at all wrong with your needs and desires. Yes, I have my own struggles with it, but those struggles are not with the fact that I need DD, but rather with the fact that I sometimes feel like it's too much work for Nick.

Anyway, really - blogging is a sign of obsession? I guess there are a lot of us out there who are obsessed then. Some people blog about their kids, some people blog about their hobbies, some people blog about their jobs. I blog about spanking and DD. Although as it happens I blog about all of those other things as well. The fact that my blog focuses on spanking and DD for the most part is nothing for me to be worried about or ashamed of. This is my outlet, and I think it's a perfectly healthy one. I know from experience that what's truly unhealthy for me is to not have any outlet at all.

I understand that DD will have its ups and downs, sometimes (like now) going away completely for a while. That's actually the point of my last couple of posts. And so that I'm not driving Nick crazy with all of this, I come here and post. I think that moderation is definitely a relative concept. I'm not out looking to have my needs met outside my marriage. I'm not spending bill money on implements. I'm not even having daily conversations about this with my husband. I think I'm a long way from being unhealthily obsessed. I think my kink is fine just the way it is.

Thinking..

So I've been reading back over the history of my blog, and I started thinking. I know, dangerous stuff, right? But anyway, I was reading this post. And I started thinking about Nick saying how much DD was for both of us, not just me, and how I had no business deciding on my own that we weren't doing it anymore. And I started wondering, is that what I'm doing now? But I'm not trying to tell him we can't do DD. In my mind and heart I still consider him head of the household, and if he decided right now to punish me for something, I'd willingly submit to it. But I'm trying to give him room to adjust to the things in our life that are coming whether we're ready for them or not. And the only way I know how to do that is to try to relieve him of whatever pressure from me that I can. I guess my brain just can't settle down and accept that things are okay. I just worry that if I verbalize my need for discipline, I'm being weird and too much work, and if I don't verbalize it and just push it to the back, I'm making a decision for both us without asking for his input. But if I ask for his input, he's going to feel obligated, and that's the very last thing I want. Ugghh! I wish I could just turn it off completely.

My O List

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

Let's see, I'm grateful for...

Orgasms
Olives
Oranges
Oreos
Optimism
Ocean
Ogres (Okay, just Shrek and company)
Opals
Online access
Opinions
Options
Oars
Oak

Happy Gratitude Tuesday!

Happy Birthday, Grace!

Happy birthday to a wonderful friend and sister blogger. Love ya, Grace!

Gratitude Tuesday and other stuff

Happy Gratitude Tuesday first of all. Today we celebrate N!

Nick - how could I skip this one? I truly, truly love my husband, and I am wildly blessed to have him.

Naked - oh, and I like to get naked with him a lot.

Nice - if more people were just nice, my days would be so much...well, NICER!

Nanny - this is what I called my grandmother and what Morgan calls my mom. They both were/are pretty awesome at the job!

New - I like new stuff - who doesn't? New clothes, new books, new haircuts, new cars, just new stuff in general. And speaking of new cars...

New Car Smell - Ahhhhh...

Nine months - you can grow some beautiful stuff in nine months, like a new baby!

Nipples - nipples are always nice, but I'm especially grateful to be getting another chance to use them for the purpose God intended. I breastfed Morgan for 18 months, and it was some of the sweetest time I ever spent with her.

Naps - I confess, I nap a lot these days, and I love it! But I have a good excuse, right?

Okay, on another subject...

There's still been no discipline in this house, although Nick has occasionally put on a sterner tone of voice when discussing the lack of clean laundry, which I appreciate (the sterner tone, not the lack of clean laundry). And he did give me an extremely short, very playful spanking with a decorative wooden sign that happened to be at hand. But...I'm still feeling the need. I think it goes back to this:

About a month ago, we had a fight. A big fight. The biggest fight we'd ever had. And I think we were both a little bit at fault, although it was probably more me than him. But in my defense, I was 3 months pregnant and consequently a bit more insecure and unreasonable than normal with no clue why. The details of the fight don't matter and won't be rehashed here, but suffice it to say that I inadvertently hurt his feelings very, very badly, to the point that he didn't even want to come home to me that night. Now he did come home, and we got things worked out the next day. But I have never, NEVER felt the need to be punished for something so strongly. The problem though, is that he was not in a frame of mind to do that, and I certainly was not in a position to ask him to meet a need of mine when I had disregarded his needs so badly. And he just wanted to move past the whole thing. So I let it go. But since then I've felt especially...off kilter.

Of course I'm sure part of that is the shock and adjustment (joyous though they may be) of finding out about the baby. But that's another issue here. First (2 1/2 years ago), Nick wanted a baby. He was prepared for it. He was actively trying with me to make it happen. Then my doctor told us it wouldn't happen. So, our focus shifted. We accepted that it probably wasn't in the cards, although that was a sad point to come to for me. For Nick, well, I think that by that point, it was kind of a relief.

Morgan was big enough that she didn't have to have our attention every minute, our lives were pretty comfortable, and if you looked at the plus side of no more kids, there were lots of things to consider. Like we were making a little better money these days, so we could get, oh, I don't know, a motorcycle. And we could eat out a little more. And we could go to the movies every once in a while, which was very doable, because Morgan was no longer a hassle for babysitters. And we could enjoy things like winning a trip to Hawaii without worrying about leaving an infant with someone for a week. We didn't have to buy things like diapers or formula, and it didn't take us three hours to leave the house. There was no baby carrier to lug into Wal-Mart, and Morgan was finally out of even her booster seat. No giant doctor's bills, no house full of baby clutter, no 3 AM feedings, no losing our family room because we had to make way for a new baby.

And then suddenly...all of that changed for Nick. Like that. All of a sudden he's having to remodel and repaint. He's being asked to go to doctor's visits. I'm bringing home loads of pregnancy books, some of them for him. My waistline is expanding, and I've kind of been a bitch lately. I'm tired all the time, and even though I'm trying to hold back, I know it seems like this pregnancy is all I talk about. I'm alternately sensitive and weepy, then buoyant and annoyingly cheerful.

You see what he's been dealing with? So...I kind of feel like since I got something really nice and unexpected - maybe that means that I have to make a trade-off. Maybe it's only fair that if I'm being so blessed here, then I have to give up something on the other end. After all, it's not fair to ask him to do all that stuff AND run a DD marriage, is it? How much can I ask a guy to give up here? Why should I get to have both dreams when both dreams mean so much work for him?

So I guess my point is, this may not be much of a DD/spanking blog from this point forward. It's still there in me, but I kind of feel like it's time for me to accept that my life is beyond blessed just the way it is, and it would be ungrateful for me to insist on more, especially from the man who has given me so much.