So far, so good...

I had my doctor's visit today. There was really no new news, other than that things are moving right along. She did another ultrasound, but we couldn't tell the sex yet. I go back in four weeks for another one, and she said that we should absolutely be able to tell then. They also drew a lot of blood for a whole slew of prenatal tests, and I should get the results for all of them by Monday. Keep up in your prayers that everything continues to go well!

Gratitude Tuesday

Check it out! I'm on time for once! Today is brought to you by the letter M:

Marriage - this is a biggie for me. Getting married was one of the biggest and best decisions of my life.

Money - can't live without it!

Mothers - mine, as crazy as she drives me sometimes, is very very special, and being one is the best job I've ever had.

Math - not everyone likes it, but for me there's comfort in the unchangeable-ness of it.

Moon - beautiful whatever its size.

Music - I love music of all sorts, and my day is not complete without hearing some.

Tomorrow is my first official doctor's visit, so say a prayer that everything goes well!

Fashionably late as usual...

Okay, okay, so I missed Gratitude Tuesday AGAIN! But I'm trying to make up for it! On a side note, above is a picture of an unborn baby at 14 weeks. I go back to the doctor next Wednesday, so hopefully I'll have a new picture of mine then!

And now, a few favorites from J, K, and L:

Jesus
Jokes
Joy
Jeans
Jokari

Kisses
Kites
Kindness
Kids
Kittens

Love
Life
Liberty
Lemons
Lips
Laps

Happy Gratitude Wednesday!

Email Blogging

Okay, now that I have the mobile blogging down, I wanted to try email blogging. Seems to working from the test post, so here goes. Here's what's been on my mind:

SPANKING

Or more specifically DD, and the lack thereof. And as I'm moving past the super-emotionalism of my first trimester, it's really kicking in with some clarity just how much I miss really feeling that Nick's in charge. And while spanking has always been a big part of it for me, it's not the whole enchilada. As a matter of fact, I'm a little nervous about how safe spanking would be during the pregnancy. I'm sure big wooden paddles would be out of the question. Probably leather paddles and belts too. But I think we would be okay with silicone spatulas or even (shudder) switches. In fact, I found the most awesome silicone spreader/scraper EVER for $5.99 the other day, but I haven't even shown it to Nick. I'm including a picture, but I'm not sure where in the post it will show up. :)

But anyway, even if he doesn't spank me at all, there are other ways to show leadership. I guess I just need to feel my boundaries again.

But I kind of have the feeling that we're done with this altogether. I don't want to think that, but it's been 3 months since there was any spanking at all, and longer still since there was any pretence at discipline. And the other day when I attempted to initiate a conversation about this, I did get the "Are you going to start this again?" response.

Does he see this pregnancy as a way to make a clean break from DD? Is it just that he's too overwhelmed with becoming a father again to have room for the responsibility and effort of being in charge right now? If the latter is the case, then why nothing to speak of in the months beforehand? If it's the former, okay, I can live with that, but I need some sort of certain knowlege of that so that I can adjust my mindset.

And I know, communication, communication, communication. But I just can't find my way to it right now. I feel like I'm facing an unbreachable wall.

Trying one more thing.

---

From: Tracy <nicksbrat454@gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 10:05 AM
To: nicksbrat454@gmail.com
Subject:

Just trying something...

Much to be grateful for...

So I missed Gratitude Tuesday again. But I have a good excuse, honest! I was helping Nick try to get the stuff moved from the den to the living room so we can move Morgan into the den and make her room the nursery. For the baby...who will be here in six months, not seven. If you've ever seen a sonogram, you probably know that the one above is not of an eight week old fetus. I've seen those. They look like Mr. Peanut. This looks like a baby. And that's why I cried when I saw it. Monday I went in for the ultrasound, which was supposed to be of the internal/vaginal variety. We tried that. Then the very nice lady invading my hoo-hah said, "Hmm, your baby's too big to see this way. Let's try it the other way." So she squirted the cold slimy gel stuff on my belly and ta-da! There was a baby! "You're 13 weeks and 1 day," she said as she scanned and measured, "and your due date is October 18." Some of you might know that this is one day after my birthday, and that Morgan was born 3 weeks early - on Nick's birthday. How cool would it be if I could manage that again? I even got to feel the heartbeat! And guess what - today I felt the baby move! I feel like everything is happening incredibly fast. 10 days ago we didn't even know we were having a baby, and now I'm feeling it move.

And Nick is definitely coming around to the idea of being a father again. He's bought paint for Morgan's new room, and he's working hard to get the house rearranged, doing all the heavy lifting of course. He's even got the baby's sonogram up on his tool box at work.

Hallelujah!

Still adjusting...

This morning I got the results of my blood test. The doctor thinks I'm about 8 weeks along, and she wants me to come in for an ultrasound on Monday. I'm very happy about the pregnancy, but Nick is having a hard time adjusting. I'm terribly afraid that, right now at least, he just doesn't want this. I'm also pretty sure that DD has been shelved for the indefinite future. I asked him today if he was done with it and the response I got was "Are you going to start this again?" So I guess that means he doesn't want to "start this again."

I guess I'm just struggling a little bit. I know that this is a huge thing to take in for both of us, but I feel like Nick blames the stress on me a little bit. I know he's just trying to cope with a very unexpected and life changing situation, one that we were not really prepared for. And I get that a big part of those worries are financial ones which, as he's the main breadwinner, fall on his shoulders. Two and a half years ago when we decided to try for another baby, the economy was in a different place, and the plan was for me to be a stay at home mom. This has been a life long dream for me, and my mom is just not in good enough health to watch this baby like she did Morgan anyway. And I know that there are a lot of great day cares out there, but that's just not something we've ever been comfortable with. So he's worried about what we're going to do. He would prefer for me to stay home, but he also feels the tremendous pressure of becoming the only one to bring home a paycheck, and one that's based on commission at that.

Anyway, I think that the fact that I'm excited about this is making it a little harder on him when he's just not there yet. I just know that this baby is a gift from God, and God will provide the means to take care of it and the rest of our family. I know that Nick knows this too. He just needs a little more time to adjust.

Thank you

Thank you so much, all of you for the wonderful congratulations. (Yep, Hermione, it's positive!) This may not be much of a post because I'm trying to work through a pounding headache following not enough sleep, a serious caffeine reduction, and a whirlwind round of telling our families, and frankly I'm going to have to talk myself into taking a shower before I fall into bed.

This pregnancy is an absolute shock to both of us. I've been feeling kind of run down for the last few weeks, and a little nauseated on occasion, but I didn't really think much about it. A week or so ago Morgan ate too much chocolate bunny rabbit and threw up all over her bed. I threw up trying to do the laundry from it. But again, I didn't think too much of it - exposure to chocolate vomit seemed to be just the sort of thing that would send me hurling into the toilet.

Then yesterday after work I stopped at the grocery store to try to find something to fix for dinner. I had to pee when I got there, so I went to the bathroom, used it, then washed my hands. Then threw up all over the bathroom stall. I have to confess, once I managed to assure myself it wouldn't happen again, I got the heck out of there, got in my car and headed home, groceries forgotten. Honestly, I'm very sorry for whoever had to clean the bathroom, but if I had tried to do it myself, it would have just ended up a bigger mess.

All the way home I was thinking how very weird it was that I'd gotten sick like that, and it started to cross my mind that maybe I was pregnant. Pretty much immediately I dismissed the idea, because I'd been down that road many times and been disappointed. My doctor had flat out told me a year and a half ago that I would never have another baby unless I went on fertility drugs. Beyond the cost, Nick and I felt like it would not be the right choice for us, so I had resigned myself to the idea that more kids were not in our future. Still, I was pretty sure I had a pregnancy test at home, and I figured, what the heck, if I did still have one, I'd take it just to rule the possibility out.

It turns out I did have one stuck back in a drawer at home. So I took it. Then, so unconcerned about the results was I that I set it on the bathroom sink, went to the bedroom, and fell asleep for about twenty minutes. When I woke back up, I remembered the test and went to check it. Hmmm...this looks positive. So I read the box again, and the little pamphlet, and the Spanish instructions, and then the box again. Yep, still looks positive. Nick was not yet home, and Morgan was spending the night with my parents, so for about fifteen minutes I lay on the bed clutching the test and quietly freaking out. When Nick got home, I showed him the test.

"Looks like it says you're not pregnant."

"Are you kidding me? That a PLUS sign."

"Maybe you should take another test."

Maybe so. So I drove to Wal-mart and came back with a two pack of Clear Blue Easy digital tests, the ones that say either PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT. I peed in a cup, dipped both tests, and set them down to watch them, this time not at all sleepy. The box said the test should take about three minutes. They both popped up pregnant after about 20 seconds.

Today I went and had a blood test done. I should know tomorrow morning about how far along I am. I haven't had a period since around mid-January (I think), but the PCOS makes them so sporadic that I really haven't kept track. We waited until today to tell Morgan. We were both a little worried about how she would react. She's gone through some really clingy, jealous stages lately, especially when the topic of "if we ever have another baby" came up. So we sat her down and just told her, ready to jump in with grand assurances if she seemed worried. Her face turned white, then red, then her eyes sparkled, and she whispered "You're going to have a baby? I'm finally going to have a little brother or sister?" Then her mouth spread into the most beautiful grin I have ever seen. We gave her the honor of telling both sets of grandparents, and all were ecstatic.

Right now we're both just overwhelmed, although I think Nick may be having a harder time taking it in than I am. Still, this is an amazing, unexpected blessing, and I thank you all for your well wishes. Hugs to you all!

Gratitude Tuesday

Shocked, thrilled, hopeful, scared, happy, terrified, but most of all....grateful.

I did it again!

Well, I managed to miss my blogaversary again! Usually I remember when Grace posts about hers. On March 13th, AngelBrat's Blog was four years old. It's weird for me looking back and seeing how much life has passed since then. I posted a lot more in the beginning. Of course I'd never really had such an outlet before, so there was a lot bubbling up from inside of me. And I definitely had more time. Morgan was still three, so homework was a distant future horror. I was also working nights, so I had plenty of time to stay up late into the night playing online while Nick was snoring away. We had a pretty limited arsenal of spanking toys, so every time I bought a new one it was good for a new post.

And, well, there was a lot more spanking. There's not been much of that lately, and I think it's probably just part of the natural ebb and flow of TTWD. I could probably use it, because the house honestly looks awful, But ever since we got back from Hawaii, I've spent every evening herding Morgan through her homework, with the exception of weekends, when we all spend family time together. If Nick's had to work, I have buckled down and gotten some stuff done, but he's not really been much help with it, and I think that may figure into his decision (or lack of) to not make a punishable issue of it.

And I'm honest enough to admit that there's a lot involved (time, effort, emotion) in having an active spanking relationship, and he's just been overrun with work lately. I don't think he's got much of himself left over for it. At the same time, I've not really brought it up, because as much as I know I need it, it's also easier for me to just let it coast sometimes. Whatever good the spanking and the attention does me, it also still leaves me with that lingering feeling of being an awful lot of trouble.

Anyway, I'm kind of proud of the fact that the blog's still here, even if it's not quite the steam engine it used to be. I've never really let it go dormant, although there have been a few times I've gone a couple of weeks without posting. I have 985 posts, an average of about 246 posts a year, about 20 per month, although some months have definitely been busier than others. But we're still here, still chugging along, and for that I'm grateful.